The other day I was at MOPS talking to one girlfriend whom I have really come to admire. She is so caring, so open, so honest..... I really like her. This post may upset a few femenists that I have in my reading circle, but it really affected me so I wanted to post about it.
My friend was talking about her brother-in-law and how he did an amazing thing for his wife. I guess one of his wife's professors belittled her for insufficient answer in front of her entire lecture peers. According to my friend, the prof was really unneccessarily harsh. Her brother-in-law went into the school and defended his bride. Not in a mean way, but pretty much just explained that there is a better way to give critisism. I guess he even quoted scripture. I thought this was not only brave, but pretty darn amazing. I have always loved that song...'I'll be the man who will fight for your honor...' If you know it, I really like it. I thought about Dana, and I totally think he is amazing and he has stood up for me a few times, but in all honesty not very much. What my friend said next totally blew me out of the water. She said that most women today don't allow their husbands to their 'heros' or their 'warriors'. That we are too caught up in being 'equal' or 'strong', that we don't want to appear weak, and we want to set a good 'female example' for our kids. The problem with this is that men are hardwired to be heros and warriors and if we keep pushing them back they will never rise up when they need to. I am a firm believer in serving your spouse, your husband. Not to be walked all over, but to uplift them, give them strength by allowing them to be strong. So of course, I went home and asked Dana if he felt like I respected him and allowed him to be my hero. Without hesitation, he said no. That is really hard for me to share, but it's the truth. He said that he knows I love immensley and that I would do anything for me, but he hasn't 'earned' my respect. (which is nonsense- this man does more for me then anyone else has done for anyone).
I have always considered myself to be a strong woman. I work hard, I have strong opinions and believes, I love wholeheartedly, and (honestly) expect the best out of everyone- especially Dana. That can sometimes come across 'disrespectful', 'egotistical', 'arrogant', but I have never apologized for being strong. I was raised like that and believe that women can be tender and strong all at the same time.
After hearing Dana's answer it dawned on me that something has to change. He has to know that he is my warrior. My hero. So I asked him what I could do on a daily basis that would make him feel more respected. And his answer will surprise you ladies:
1. Greet him at the door with a hug and kiss when he returns from being out.
2. Get up and have breakfast with him.
3. Include him on parenting decisions, and allow him to make decisions too. Then support those decisions.
4. Listen to him, without freaking out.
Wow, that's all. Haven't I been doing that. Then I thought about it, and I really haven't been. I'm usually wrapped up with the kids when he gets home. Sleeping when he gets up (and too tired to move). I disagree with him alot over what to do with this kids, and when he shares how he feels about something I have been known to jump all over him about how he has no right to feel that way. I'm awful aren't I? No, because I had the courage to ask him what I could change and I am willing to change it. I want Dana to feel completely loved and respected. I want him to be my hero.
8 comments:
Hey Susie
Your not terrible. I can see you love your husband very much. But a lot of us women, put so much pressure on our selves to be so strong. I think in society it is almost excepted. We need to do everything and be so strong about it. But we need our husbands to be our hero's how can they be our hero's if we put out the vibe that we don't need one. But this is a bunch of balonie we do not need to be so perfect or strong it is ok to be vulnerable that is probably one of the reasons our husband feel in love with us. Susie I think you are great for realizing this I know I am guilty of trying to be so strong and not respecting Brian but your post is wanting me to try and make sure Brian knows I love him and respect him very much. Just like you want to make sure you do with Dana.
Thanks
Great post, Susie. I recently read a post of a woman who lost her husband very young and it has made me think a lot about Justin and how much I appreciate even being able to get irritated with him... just to have him with me.
Interesting post Susie. I think a woman can be strong and still need her man. It's a fine line. I don't think any man wants a woman who is mush and gets walked all over but at the same time, it's true, men do want to be the knight in shining armor.
It's funny Dana listed those things because I know they are things that are also important to Jordan. Since Abby's been born I've made an effort for him to come home to a clean, quiet house, with dinner in the oven and us ready to greet him at the door. Abby usually waits in the window. ;) It's important to find out what makes each other feel happy, respected and loved and try to accomodate. Good luck on your quest to do that!
Interesting post Susan. Everyone defines "respect" and "love" differently. And until a person is asked what their definition of respect or love is we may not be addressing their needs. Its definately something to think about and discuss with your sig-other so each others needs and feeling can be met.
Hey Susie,
Me again. I was thinking about this in the middle of the night while I was up nursing Jo. ;)
Just curious if Dana asked you the same question in return, because that is equally as important. Maybe not the hero part but the loved and respected part, for sure.
Is three comments on one post excessive? Oops.
I just wanted to add that the reason I asked that question was because I think we as women are always being asked if we are pleasing, honoring, respecting our husbands but the question seems so rarely reversed. Thought I'd clarify.
Have a good weekend!
Jen you are too funny. I agree with you and I read your comments to Dana. My self reflection was purely based on Dana's reply. But, I don't know, I think right now it is my turn to give a little.
Very interesting and thought provoking post Susan :) I think that this is a good exercise for all couples... for both men and women, to keep one another aware of what they can do to improve and be emathetic towards their partner. It really highlights the maturity it takes to be part of a "couple" and the on-going effort it takes (good effort of course) to maintain or improve a relationship. Sometimes we all need reminders to put in more effort but how wonderful it feels to have a loving, mature, and secure relationship.
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