WARNING **Gush**

Tonight I would like to talk about a very special man in my life. He truly completes me in every meaning of the word. He is my soul mate, my best friend, my husband Dana. He just celebrated his 27th Birthday. It's so hard to believe that he is nearing the BIG 3-0! It still feels like we are sitting on his mom's couch, sharing a tub of ice cream or 5 cent candies, watching whatever new movie I talked him into seeing. I still feel like I have to be home by 11pm and that my mom will get mad if she walks in and doesn't see two feet on the floor (wink wink). Time really hasn't changed my love for him or how I look at him. Sure there are a few greys speckling through his gorgeous hair, he runs a little slower, and his pants are a little tighter, but he still is the heart throb I whispered to my girlfriend I would marry one day.

Dana and I's marriage is far from perfect. We fight passionately, I yell, he looks sternly. He always says "We are not fighting, we are disagreeing", but I call it as I see it. We also love passionately, laughing and making love (gush-sorry). I wouldn't change it for anything. It's real. It's raw. It's us. Just like we are ever changing, so is our marriage and our love for one another.

This man that married, for infinity (our corny saying), is forever putting people above himself. Even if someone has wronged him or mistreated him, he is quick to forgive AND forget. He is generous with the little we have to give, often telling me "What would Jesus do, Susie". How can you argue with that? He is generous with "things", his time, and himself. He truly does pour himself into people. While saying all this, he is not a door mat. He is a strong, confident man. One who I am proud our son watches every day. He makes decisions carefully, and stands by them. He does what has to be done. He is a provider of stability and love to our little nest. He is a Godly, wonderful man.

My rock, my everything. When everything in the world is going wrong, he's always going right. My hero in the sun and warrior in the rain. How did I ever get this lucky to end up with him.

Happy Birthday, Dana.

4'n'1

1. I sometimes find blogging truly exhausting. Sometimes I don't have the energy to post something, I am afraid of posting what I really think in fear of the back lash from it, and more often than not I am afraid of being mis-interpeted of what I am trying to say. This happens alot. But I have come to realise that those who know me and know my heart, know what I am trying to say and know my intentions and for those who don't, this blog is an opportunity for me to open up and them to get to know me more. I also find this blog very much an emotional reliever. Sometimes it causes stress, but most of the time I can be who I am on this blog. Say what I want to say, and share what I want to share. So for now, I think I will continue on this blogger voyage.

2. We are house sitting for the next two weeks, which has been an incredible blessing. It feels so nice to have our own space. The kids and I are in a routine again and we are enjoying the family time we get. The house doesn't have cable, so we are finding other ways to amuse ourselves, which is so much fun. But as I am not near my computer and don't have a card reader, my posts will be pictureless. Sorry.

3. My work is going really well and for the first time in a long time, I feel on my game again. For those of you who are thinking, what work? I am working part-time at night for my former employer, SADI. Mainly supervising events. For instance, tonight I am taking some youth to Kelowna to shop. I know, my job is hard. My main work; however, is a contract with a provincial non-profit organization that works with communities across BC with positive youth development and youth engagement. I love it. I never thought I really offered much expertise in this area, but I am being proved wrong every week by the work I am doing. It feels really good to be contributing this way and I can see the work that I am doing is actually making a difference in the world. I have struggled lots with purpose in my life, and even though I still do, it feels good to find a niche.

4. For those of you who know us, know that we have struggled since moving back to Summerland. We miss those prairies so bad. Prairie scenery, prairie cities, prairie people. So much so that we even considered moving back. For the last month I would say, we have been looking on MLS and job search websites seeing if it is even possible. But with all this happening, I was unsure if it was what I really wanted. Last night we had a wonderful conversation with my inlaws (the ones who will be building for us) and we let it all out. No stone was left unturned. All emotions were brought forward and for the first time, possibly ever, I felt like they saw who I truly am. It made us feel alot more relaxed and some of those feelings of being unsettles, unwanted, not belonging faded a little. Do we still miss Regina, of course. But now I look at it as it was a beautiful blessing for Dana and I to experience. We walked away stronger in our faith and with priceless friends. Nothing will ever change that. But now, we are home. And we look forward to the blessings that the Lord will bestow us and what we can bestow on others.

Well, there you have it. Your deluxe 4'n'1 post. Now I gotta go push my son on the tire swing as he has been patiently waiting for me. Such a good boy.

"EE ew, Susie"

This week has been such a blessing, challenging, but very much a blessing. My brother's daughter came to stay with my mom and dad (and so virtually us too) for the week. I don't really get to see her very often or get to spend really quality time getting to know her, so I had a whole week planned of going to the beach and the water park, emu walks, and playdates. But then this poor little girl got sick and non of it happened. Instead we played around the house, watched Curious George (over and over), got chased by a giant catapillar (or cata pee if she was telling this story), and even baked cookies. I loved it. I am totally burnt out, and I can't imagine how my mom must be feeling, but I loved it all the same. I really love how sensitive Lorelei is. She really where's her heart on her sleeve. She gets upset when other's are upset, she cries at the slightest little thing (which can sometimes be a pain), but she really is a thoughtful little girl. She looked at a scrap on my hand, and said "Owie Auntie Susie? I kiss it better.". She picks up toys for Ava after she drops them, and she loves to clean (who is this child). She really is amazing, and melts my heart when she says "EE ew, Auntie Susie" (I love you).

Then this morning I got to play with Jaia at the beach. Again, we really don't see enough of each other and I wish we could see more. He was decked out head to toe in his beach gear (water shoes, shorts, shirt, hat, and sunglasses). He was so cute! I felt bad because Kynan was being a little social butterfly with everyone, but Jaia and all Jaia wanted was to play with Kynan. I love watching him play, but love even more watching him interact with Kaili. He is so sweet to her, and calls her all these adoring names. He has his moments (like when he is bullying Ava), but most of the time (99%) he is so sweet and gentle. He is such a sweet little man, with such a big heart, eager to please, and very loving.

We are so blessed to be back here and to be able to witness these little miracles. I know I miss Regina and everyday think about the friends we left there, but today I was really able to behold the blessing we have here in these kids, my niece and my nephew. Life does have little miracles and they happen right in front of us while they play in the sand.

Have a blessed weekend.

Wordy

The weekend quickly passed and was filled with hard work and blissful sunshine. Dana and I have been diligently working on our little basement suite to make it a home: painting, new lighting, new ceiling tile, and pictures up on the wall. We are not quite done, but when we are I will post some before and after shots A Modern Life. We did manage to get some beach and water park time in. Dana LOVED it and I think it is his first time out this year!

The weekend has been filled emotions, excitement, sadness, uncertainty, ect... as we contemplate something that has been laid on our hearts. I'm not ready to share what it is yet, but just wanted to share that it has been weighing me down emotionally. And Dana. Please pray if you are in to that.

The kids are doing wonderful. Ava is actually walking. I can't believe it, but she is. It really started when we went to the coast to visit Grandpa Mike, Yaya and Uncle Jared. It seemed like that weekend she was talking more and walking more. She still crawls, but she is definately making the effort to walk. As for Kynan, he is doing good. I think he still misses his buddies from Regina and asks for them alot. Lately, he has been asking to go there. Whenever we get around kids, he goes wild- like a monkey let loose with his friends. And some of the things he says are pretty funny. I love his somewhat new saying "I just love you, Mom!". Dana is also ok, other than the thoughts that perplex his mind. He is learning many new and exciting automation techniques at his new job. He LOVES the company he is working for, but I don't think that fills him as much as it use to. I think his heart has been touched when we were in Regina, to possibly look into ministry or something like that. His job is great, and pays our bills, and his boss is amazing with Dana. Ministry just may be his passion?!?!? One never knows. As for me, I am ok. I was working on this conference that was to be hosted at the beginning of the month, but due to a lack of registrations we had to cancel. I know I did everything I could for the organisation I was working for, but I still can't help, but feel bad about it. However, I couldn't have done a too bad of a job because they asked me to stay on until the fall and possibly longer. I am also working some evenings at the local teen center supervising. It is not the most challenging of jobs, but it enables me to stay at home with the kids and gives us a little more money to sock away for the house. I am looking into applying for some 'event/ wedding planning companies'. With all the weddings that have been happening lately, I can't help but feel excited and Dana says I should try it. It has been something I have always talked about, but never knew how to get into it so we will see. Other than that, my heart still urnes for Regina. I am sure most of you are sick of hearing about it, but it has been something on my heart. We love Summerland, but it is odd how quickly Regina became home for us. I just pray that God will continue to show us his will and path for us and that Dana and I have the strength to follow it.

Well, that's pretty much my update. I guess I should post some pictures so this doesn't become one of those awful "wordy" blogs. Hope you all had a great weekend, and hope you have a great week.

A Modern Life

I like Jen's idea of having an alternate site to document their "healthy, earth friendly life change" so I decided to have something similar to document our journey in building our dream home. A modern twist to old time charm. Living with parents in the meantime. And doing it all ourselves, and of course our father-in-law contractor who will be taking yet another year or more off of work to help us. You can just imagine the size of this man's heart. If you are interested, take a read here.

***FIXED LINK SO IT SHOULD WORK NOW*** thanks Kaili.

Be A Better Mom

Carleen gave me two really awesome magazines lately, that I love. One is called 'Home Campanion' and it has crafts and home decor in it. Very modern, and very fun. I spent two hours last night going through it and added some links that I found in it to my blog. Even got some good ideas.

Then she gave me a Woman's Day magazine. You know the ones, usually has something yummy looking on the front and lose weight tips. I was drawn to this one article in it though. Lately, because of everything we have been going through, I have been a pretty neglectful parent. I have been sinking into my sewing room, often leaving Kynan to play independently. I make lazy meals and our basement apartment is a mess (so we spend alot of time upstairs). Plus, we have been slacking on our diet lately, reintroducing sugar... I know I know. But it's summer. Sometimes I just can't resist (I need to go into a food rehibilitation clinic). I share this because I have notice many behavior changes in Kynan. He is not awful by any means, and usually he is the sweetest boy ever. But then there are moments when he yells, cries, often when he doesn't get his way. He talks to me and my parents with such disrespect. In Jen's blog today she talked about how kids mimic us. And it dawned on me that Kynan is probably reflecting what I feel on the inside. So when I read this article, Be An Even Better Mom, it made my heart sing. Check out the article here. I love it because it is simple and practical.

Empathize.

I have been reading alot of blogs lately saying good bye to a good friend who is moving the prairies. You know you are amazing person when the people around you seem to crumble at the thought of you leaving. I don't know this girl, amazingly well, but I do know her. And it is true that she will be missed even by me. She has such a glow about her. Her kindness, her love for the Lord, and her love for others glows off of her. She and her family truly are amazing people.

I empathize with her though because years ago she moved her, somewhere she had no family and maybe one friend, and made a life. A life she loved. Now, after making those bonds tighter than ever, she feels God calling her a new direction and she is moving 'home'. Closer to family and old friends. Which will be a great blessing too, but nothing can replace those she met here. As most of you know, I have had to do the very same thing recently too. I write alot about it because that is what seems to be on my mind most days. Moving 'home' is proving to be one of the hardest things that I ave ever had to do. I especially miss my good friend Teena. We saw each other almost everyday and those weeks when we didn't it felt like we hadn't seen each other in ages. We laughed, we cried, we vented, and we talked about the Lord. I always felt like I could be real with her. Be who I am. I completely let down my guard and just be. My heart broke and is still breaking ever since we left Regina. I think about, not only Teena, but all the other wonderful people in our lives who truly adopted us into their families. It seems like our whole church became our family out there. I physically feel pain in the chest whenever I think about what we left. I guess it hurts so much, because when we left Summerland we knew we would always have a bond here. We would always see our family and we would always remain connected. Leaving Regina was different in the sense that I am afraid of losing them. I have lost a piece of them. That everyday connection that I loved so much, but they are still here. Emailing, facebooking, calling. I just hunger for that everyday connection too.

I found myself in Regina. I found the Lord too. I was more at peace with the world and who I am more than ever before. I don't feel that here and I know it will take time. The other day I found myself sobbing in front of some family and I felt exposed. I am always trying to stay strong, reasonable, likeable in front of them. I often focus so much and being all those things that I lose who I am. I was sobbing in front of them, crying out for comfort, encouragement, and love. I feel like I need an extra dose of those things lately.

My mother-in-law said to me that she would never blog because she feels like for her it is waste of good energy. I agree with that most of the time. I get stressed out by posts sometimes more because of my own insecurities, but I also am able to fully let it all out on this page. I don't get alot of comments so at times it feels like I can let it all out because no one ever reads it anyways. I know that's not true because alot of my readers and reading from afar and don't comment. But it is nice to sometimes let it all out. Right now it is the only place I feel like I can fully express myself and be me.

I don't know where I was going with this post, but that's pretty much all I have for today. My mother-in-law has a date with my sleeping angel and it's already 9:30 and she is still not out of bed. I guess I will have to wake her up. So for now I bid adew.

Downloaded!

I finally downloaded these pictures off my camera. I hope you enjoy.
The first set is when my good friend Teena and her kids came out to visit. It was so nice to see them and we had a great little visit, even got to ride the train. Ava LOVED it, the boys were not excited at all. It was pretty funny.

Teena loving on Maren, such a good mama.

Kynan riding his bike in the park. It's his new favorite pass time.

Fun with Chels in Kelowna at the non-water water park. We went up there one hot morning expecting to cool off in the awesome water park, but the didn't turn on the water until we literally jumped in the car to go home. The kids had fun anyways.

Just Be...

Yesterday, I had a fantastic "adult" visit with our good friends from Kelowna. I say "adult" because whenever we see them, we usually have the kids, but last night we were fortunate enough to leave the kids at home. Thanks mom and dad! I love visiting Steve and Chels because I let down my guard and just be. I am who I want to be and who I feel I am. I am not worried about feeling judged, misunderstood, under appreciated, ect... All those insecurities fade and, again, I just be. I miss this feeling on an everyday basis. I think that is why I miss Regina so much, in addition to everything else. I felt that way in Regina too. But back here, I sometimes feel like I have to prove myself. Prove that I am good wife and a good mother. Prove that I am a good friend. Prove I am a good daughter or daughter/sister-in-law. These are all my own insecurities, and not because of any one person. I take accountability for my feelings. But I am finding it so hard to shake this uncertainty.

Take yesterdays post for example. It was in retaliation to the feelings I felt when I read a really close friend's blog and reacted. Maybe not in the best way, but I felt all my believes were being belittled, attacked, striked down. I know that is not the intention of my friend. I know her heart and of course she would never make me feel that way on purpose. So why then did I react that way. After talking to my Kelowna buddy, she offered a different perspective and allowed me to see my reaction in a new light. So Kaili, I am so sorry. I did over react. You and many of your readers know how I feel on marriage and I agree with one of your commentors in saying that I did feel a change after we got married. More cherished. More of a commitment. But I shouldn't have retaliated in the way I did. So again, I am sorry. And sorry to all our readers to have witnessed it, it may have been uncomfortable, entertaining, weird, ect.

So in the advice of many good friends, aunts, a step-mom, I am going to stop trying so hard and focus on just being. Being who I am and who I want to be. I know deep down inside I am a wonderful mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, person. If people give me a chance they would see that and that is good enough for me. So this week, join with me. Let your insecurities go, and just be.

Love Is...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always persevers. Love never fails." -1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Recently I had a very good discussion about marriage with a friend. And this bible verse kept popping into my head. We had it read at our wedding, like most married couples do. Some don't know why they include it in their big day; however, Dana and I choose it with great consideration. We live in a society where marriage is temporary, or seen as "right now, but possibly not forever". Divorce rate is high. Relationships crumble. And many many people stay in unloving relationships. I am not a marriage expert. I only know what is true for Dana and I. What has been true since day one. We are committed to each other for infinity. We commit to each other to work on our marriage, on ourselves, and encourage each other. We commit to be loving and respectful unconditionally. Think about how hard that last statement is. We often learn what "unconditional love" means, but not "unconditional respect". Dana and I choose to be together day after day, because we want to, but also because I vowed to. There is not a day that goes by that I don't regret it.
Anyways, I guess the reason for this post is stand tall in our believe in marriage, the sanctity of it, and the vows we took. I am not ashamed, nor do I believe we are unreasonable. I am tired of people using the expression that marriage is "just a piece of paper" and having everyone applaud them for it. I am not saying that they can't feel that way, you certainly have freedom of choice. All I am saying is that I feel like a minority in feeling the way I do about marriage. And sometimes I feel like we are even looked down on because we believe in our marriage so much. Call me crazy, but I do.

"It always protects. Always trusts. Always hopes. Always persevers."