I Miss This Man

I miss this man already! We just spent two weeks apart when I visited Summerland, and now he is working out of town for a week :( Last night I froze in my bed because I usually rely on his body to keep me warm through these prairie winter nights;( I made a yummy dinner last night too with his favorite hollandaise sauce and he wasn't here to enjoy it ;( And then I went to kick him to get up with Ava when she woke up the fourth time last night and there was noting on his side of the bed :( I hate being away from him and the hardest thing about it all is that I can't even talk to him, there is no cell reception where he is. So here is to dreaming about the next time we get to see each other.

I also wanted to share what I am reading because it seems appropriate for this post. I am currently reading a book called, 'Power of a Praying Wife' and it is excellent so far. I think so often when we pray, we ray selfishly. Example, 'Please God, let him understand where I am coming from'. But this book talks about praying for our husband unselfishly and first praying for our own heart to change. Dana and I have a great relationship. I am not saying that we are in trouble at all, but we are always keeping ourselves in check and maintaining our healthy relationship any way we can. It's a great book!

Yesterday I Cried

Yesterday,, Dana and I decided to take some well needed time for ourselves, hired a babysitter, and went on a date. We used one of the gift certificates we got for Christmas (I love food gc's) and went for dinner at a local resturant, Bacados. It was very yummy. I have been trying to watch my diet by eating no chocolate, nothing caffeniated, and absolutely no dairy (I always pay for it later). So far I have been doing pretty good. I had salmon with rice and steamed veggies, with water to drink. I even skipped dessert and for those of you who know me, know that that is a HUGE deal. Anyways, Dana recommended a movie after and we usually always go to an action one as we find those are the most worth while to see in the theatre, but yesterday Dana was feeling generous and decided to take me to Hilary Swank's new movie "PS. I Love You". It was a touching story about a woman who lost her Irish husband to a brain tumor, how she grieves and eventually falls in love again. There were several points where I was balling, the scene where she was packing up all his stuff, the scene where she remembers the first time they met, the kareoke scene.... actually I think there were tears in my eyes for most of the movie. I even looked over to Dana to see a few tears periodically. I think the reason why it affected me so much is that it put things into perspective. Our little fights, the little ways I disrepect Dana, the little things that I make into big things, just everything. I walked away from that movie not wanting to let go of this man I love in fear that one day I may have to live without him. How would I even breath without him? Is that even possible? Needless to say I was pretty emotional, and feeling very 'in love' with Dana for the rest of the night. I love movies like that, that make us feel. Make us grow. Make us laugh or cry. Think about our existance. Brings humanity back into our lives. I asked Dana what he thought of the movie, thinking that he would be sharing these whimsical feelings I am having. I looked at him and there were some tears rolling down his cheek. Me, thinking he was thinking how precious I was to him, reached over and brushed them away. He looked at me and said, "It made me think of my mom, and I really miss her." ...... Urrrrrccccch! What??? Your mother???? Now, don't get me wrong, I think it is very sweet that he admitted this because the last few months has been really hard on him and I think he has been denying himself how much he misses his mom and so it is good that he is finally verbalizing it. And I am sure when Carleen reads this she will cry too and feel touched to know this (and also know that it has been hard on everyone), but I have to admit I was feeling a little 'jipped'! Here I was, having all these whimsical thoughts about Dana and he wasn't even thinking of me. But, again, that is life. Unpredictable. Everyone reads movies, experiences, differently. And every emotion prevoked is valid. We spent the entire drive home talking about what we missed about 'home' and why. It has actually been discussed even since then what our goals are. Anyway, points I wanted to convey" 1. Good Movie 2. We miss family 3. Love movies that make us pervoke emotion.

In other big news, Ava is crawling!!!! Army crawling, but crawling no less. And she is motoring. I guess I have to keep the carpet clean as she is picking little crumbs up everywhere (and I thought I was a good housekeeper), but it is amazing what babies can find on a perfectly spotless floor. So yay Ava!!!

One Strong Woman

The other day I was at MOPS talking to one girlfriend whom I have really come to admire. She is so caring, so open, so honest..... I really like her. This post may upset a few femenists that I have in my reading circle, but it really affected me so I wanted to post about it.

My friend was talking about her brother-in-law and how he did an amazing thing for his wife. I guess one of his wife's professors belittled her for insufficient answer in front of her entire lecture peers. According to my friend, the prof was really unneccessarily harsh. Her brother-in-law went into the school and defended his bride. Not in a mean way, but pretty much just explained that there is a better way to give critisism. I guess he even quoted scripture. I thought this was not only brave, but pretty darn amazing. I have always loved that song...'I'll be the man who will fight for your honor...' If you know it, I really like it. I thought about Dana, and I totally think he is amazing and he has stood up for me a few times, but in all honesty not very much. What my friend said next totally blew me out of the water. She said that most women today don't allow their husbands to their 'heros' or their 'warriors'. That we are too caught up in being 'equal' or 'strong', that we don't want to appear weak, and we want to set a good 'female example' for our kids. The problem with this is that men are hardwired to be heros and warriors and if we keep pushing them back they will never rise up when they need to. I am a firm believer in serving your spouse, your husband. Not to be walked all over, but to uplift them, give them strength by allowing them to be strong. So of course, I went home and asked Dana if he felt like I respected him and allowed him to be my hero. Without hesitation, he said no. That is really hard for me to share, but it's the truth. He said that he knows I love immensley and that I would do anything for me, but he hasn't 'earned' my respect. (which is nonsense- this man does more for me then anyone else has done for anyone).

I have always considered myself to be a strong woman. I work hard, I have strong opinions and believes, I love wholeheartedly, and (honestly) expect the best out of everyone- especially Dana. That can sometimes come across 'disrespectful', 'egotistical', 'arrogant', but I have never apologized for being strong. I was raised like that and believe that women can be tender and strong all at the same time.


After hearing Dana's answer it dawned on me that something has to change. He has to know that he is my warrior. My hero. So I asked him what I could do on a daily basis that would make him feel more respected. And his answer will surprise you ladies:

1. Greet him at the door with a hug and kiss when he returns from being out.
2. Get up and have breakfast with him.
3. Include him on parenting decisions, and allow him to make decisions too. Then support those decisions.
4. Listen to him, without freaking out.

Wow, that's all. Haven't I been doing that. Then I thought about it, and I really haven't been. I'm usually wrapped up with the kids when he gets home. Sleeping when he gets up (and too tired to move). I disagree with him alot over what to do with this kids, and when he shares how he feels about something I have been known to jump all over him about how he has no right to feel that way. I'm awful aren't I? No, because I had the courage to ask him what I could change and I am willing to change it. I want Dana to feel completely loved and respected. I want him to be my hero.

Story of Us

My 'born to be husband'. That is what I use to call Dana when we were in high school and I was pining to be his girlfriend. Dana and I met in the summer of 1998. We instantly had a connection, but remained just friends as I was dating someone else. After that relationship was blown out of the water... I was pretty heartbroken and turned to my friend for comfort. Dana was a knight in shining armer and quickly became one of my best friends. He listened as I cried and babbled on and on about the ex and never once complained. Even after several months of talking about how heart broken I was he still never complained, but spending all that time with him really started to open my eyes to what was right in front of me. I remember making a wish for my soul mate one really bad night (I had just found out that my ex had started dating... already). I made a wish for someone to love me completely and passionately. The next day I looked at Dana and almost felt a lightening bolt penetrate me. Well, from that moment on I was in love... secretly. Our movie dates, and ice cream binges always had a hidden meaning for me. I would imagine what our first kiss would be like. I told my girlfriend that I was going to marry Dana one day, that he was the one. Dana was oblivious to all of this. He had many girlfriends while we were friends and I would always smile and nod as he told me the going ons between them. I remember him telling me that he broke up with Jill Robbins, and I was so excited I almost peed myself. But then in the same breathe he said he thought he might be interested in Marisa Moore. Again, I kept my secret to myself. I was so anamored I still remember going to a church rally and I had cinnimon hearts in my jacket pocket. Dana reached in a grabbed a handful. This surely meant he loved me too??? (A side note, I still have that bag of cinnimon hearts... what can I say?). I finally got up enough courage to ask Dana out .... the conversation went a little like this:

"Hi Dana, how's it goin'?"

"Fine"

"Are you doin' anything or can we talk?"

"I can talk" (said a little hesitantly)

"Well, I was just thinking about us and I was .... ah.... thinkin..... that maybe we could take our relationship to the next level?" (I held my breathe and was thinking 'next level' what kind of stupid thing was that to say)

...... An awkward pause......

"Honestly Susie, I just want to be friends"

(the earth fell out from beneath me)

"Ya, well no problem. It was just an idea. I gotta go. Talk to you later."

When I got off the phone I was mortified. Heartbroken and so embarassed. But it didn't stop me from asking again. A few weeks later, after several get togethers with just him and I, we kissed. It was the best first kiss I have ever had and when I think it about today I still get butterflies. He literally took my breathe away that night. But after we pulled away from each other, me needing to know and analyse every detail asked, "What does this mean?"

Dana replied with, "Nothing, I still just want to be your friend" Was he not there for our earth shaking kiss just now???? Anyway, again mortified, I asked him drive me home immediately and ran up to my room and cried. Was I out of my mind, I could have sworn that we had chemistry and that he felt it too. I was very heartbroken and so embarressed.... again, I didn't talk to Dana for over a month. But by then we had grown really close and that month hurt because it was like living without your best friend. I finally decided to call him up, casually, and ask him to hang out. After that, I tried to put my feelings for him on the back burner, and just be his friend. It was working, but everytime I went home I knew how I felt and I couldn't pretend any longer. The next time we saw each other I was going to tell him I couldn't be around him anymore. I went over to his house to watch a movie, Kiss the Girls. Not very romantic, but we were buddies- not dating. We were lying watching the movie and I looked up at him (to gaze really), but he was looking at me!!!! My heart skipped a beat. "Why is he looking at me?" "Does he like me?" And before I could analyse it anymore, he kissed me. At first I melted into his warm comforting arms, but then I realised we had been here before and I couldn't take to be rejected again. I pulled away. I told him I was sorry, but I couldn't be a 'friend with benefits'. I wasn't like that and I liked him too much. That he had to choose, all of me or nothing. Because I couldn't be around him as friends anymore. At that moment he said something that I will never forget. It is the foundation of our marriage vows and is still a common phrase we say to each other. He said, "I want you for infinity". (sigh) I melted back into his arms and enjoyed snuggling with him for the rest of the movie. I was on a high for weeks, months, and maybe even still- after that perfect moment. I know this story is kind of cheesy, but I love telling it.

Dana and I have been together now since February 26th 2000- that was the night. We have been friends, best friends, for almost a decade. It's been the best 10 years of my life.

Honesty .... A New Page

This post is going to be a little random, finally with some pictures, and honest. Well, I thought I would turn a new page and title this post honesty because I am going to reveal to everyone how I have been really feeling mostly because it's theraputic, but also I want people to know me for me. Not who I want them to percieve me as. Thank you readers for all of your words of encouragement on the last post. I really needed it, to be honest. The last few weeks, maybe months, have not been my greatest.


Let's start with how I have been feeling. Because it's a bit of a downer and I want to end on a positive note. I have been, I believe, suffering from delayed post partum. I don't care if you disagree, but this is what I am chopping it up to. I haven't felt like myself 80% of the time. I have really bad mood swings. One minute I am laughing and enjoying whatever I am doing and the next all I want to do is go to bed or let the rage out (ie: yelling). I have had crashing headaches which I normally don't get, and I have been very tired.... not just I have a baby tired, but oddly tired and unmotivated. I get frustrated at little things lately. Something like doing the dishes becomes a huge chore and I get mad... almost furious. That's the downer.



But the positive thing is that I have an incredible husband that seems to hold me together even when I am in pieces. He totally puts up with my tantrums, and holds me for the crying and apologizing afterwards. He makes the happy times that much more sweeter and when he is around, my moods stay positive longer. I will admit that I have been very hard on him since we've moved to Regina. Expecting alot from him. I know he feels torn and that sometimes he can't do the right thing, but mostly it is just me deflecting on to him. SO if you read this Dana, I love you so much, I appreciate you beyond what you will ever know and thank you so much for sticking with me.





I also have a tremendous family that has been pouring on the love lately, and I have to say that I really really am thankful for them. SOmetimes I call my mom 3 times a day, a little sad, but sometimes I just need to hear her voice. She is never busy to listen, even if it is just about laundry or the other nothings we talk about. My brother Greg has been calling religiously just to keep in touch. I use to find it a little awkward talking to him just because I use to feel like we didn't have a lot in common, but now I look forward to our phone calls so much and love just talking him. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I look forward to reading Kaili's comments. She is always so full of wisdom. Carleen has been sending the kids post cards letting them know she is thinking about them and just sent us a Halloween care package. Carleen, I ate that chocolate bar so fast your head would spin. Really, my entire family has pulled together to really help me through this difficult time so thank you so much. Life is so much sweeter knowing I have such an amazing family.





And of course my friends, blogger buddies, facebook pals, and long time connections- all seem to lately pooling together to show their support. I have been blinded lately to how fortunate I am, but my eyes are open and thank you so much for making me feel supported and blessed. And thank you for not judging me because in all honesty, I think it would have pitted me over the deep end. I am already being very hard on myself.

As for my action plan, I hope that through some counselling... yes counselling and a little bit of Susie time I will get through this. And I know I will get through this because I am strong person.

As for being a bad mom. I have my moments and I don't do everything I should, but I also have moments when I shine as these photos show. I love my kids more than life itself and they have given me my purpose. I was talking to my mom yesterday on the phone, crying because I always thought that my life had this great purpose intended for it. That sounds a little egotistical, but that's truly how I feel and how I still feel. But maybe I am looking at it all wrong. Maybe my great purpose is my children and role as a wife. And through the love that I share with them, they will go on to do greatness. Just a thought.

So thanks for reading my awefully long post and sticking with me through all the negativity. I hope to be a little bit more positive in posts to come, but no promises. After all we all need to vent from time to time.

My Hero, My Lovey, And the Awe of it All

MY HERO...
My dad came out to visit (aka: work on our house) for about a week and a half and just left on Wednesday. My mom followed him out here two days after he left. They were both here helping us get some work done our house and I think we are back on track. Upstairs just needs the baseboads nailed in and painted, the bathroom painted, and the kitchen cabinets painted. Once those things are done I will be posting before and afters. I just wanted to say thanks to my parents for coming out. I wasn't feeling myself and they were not only empathetic on the phone and listened to what I was feeling, they truly showed me what wonderful parents they are by taking the next step and actually coming out and .... rescueing me. Dana was doing a great job, but one man can only do so much and a wife can only do so much. While my dad and mom were here they finished the laminate, tiled two rooms, made and painted baseboards, framed out a craft room, and planned out a second bathroom. All in the midst of two children. My dad was incredible with Kynan and even after a long days work would still have the energy to love on his grandson. I am so thankful for them. I know our move wasn't easy on them and being there for my family regardless means the world to me.

MY LOVEY....
Yesterday Dana and I celebrated our 4th year anniversary and I will be the only wife that will probably be honest... it kinda sucked. For months I told Dana that he was in charge of planning our romantic date on our anniversary and this is what he came up with... after months of planning. A night at home with the kids (I cooked dinner). Fun eh? I do have to give him kudos for ordering me 'Notting Hill' one of my favo movies and one of the first date memories. And he did get dressed up for me and looked damn fine, but it was a far cry from what I had envisioned if you know what I mean. Regardless, 4 years have passed. And they have been the most joyous love filled years of my life. And not a day goes by that I am not thankful for the wonderful man that Dana is. He is perfection in my eyes,, in an imperfect sorta way. I am lucky to have him despite his incapability to plan a romantic date.

AWE OF IT ALL...
My kiddies have been a source of amazement lately, but in truth I have been blinded from it by the haze that I have been in. Just in the last few days have I really been able to shake myself out of it and truly look at what an amazing blessing it is to be a mom. They always surprize me with their unconditional love and affection. Their neediness can only be fulfilled by me and when it is only my kisses that can heal that boo boo, I have to admit it makes me feel good. Ava is roli-poli lately and Kynan has all sorts of new Diego tricks up his sleeves. They are a joy and leave me feeling in awe.

A Little Flat

On Friday I was a feeling a little flat.... liternally.

I started driving down Ring Rd when the van started shaking. I pulled off in the nearest parking lot only to see that my rear tire had not only blown out, but was almost shredded to the rim. I am a Class A driver folks. LOL.

I called Dana from the only store that was open at the time, a Tanning Salon, to ask Dana to come rescue me. This is what the front desk girl heard from our conversation:

"Hey, Love.... Yay um... about the van... Can you come rescue me as we got a flat tire?"

"No I didn't check it this morning, I thought you filled it last night"

"Please just take your break early and come change the tire."

"No I will not change the tire. I don't even know how."

"Dana, I have both the kids with me. How do you expect me to walk to the nearest station?"

{At this point the girl was looking at me rather appalled}

"Ok see you in a bit"

Needless to say, I now know how to change a tire and feel quite confident that I will be able to do it on my own next time. Gotta love husbands!

Life's Little Moments

As I pack her into the car, he patiently waits beside me. I click her in and turn around to lift him in and he's gone. I quickly look around and he is running... no wait.. sprinting away. I drop everything and start chasing him. I finally catch up, heart pounding. So mad and relieved at the same time.
She coo's and giggles from her playmat. Occasionally looking at me and smiling as I fold laundry. Nothing major is happening. Music is playing. Kynan sleeping. Dana working. The house is still. And she reaches up and grabs her toy and tugs on it. What? She can hold things now!?!? Yup, she can grip little toys now and bring them to her mouth. CRAZY.
Snuggled on the couch watching a movie. I can feel his warm breath on the top of my head and I am absorbing all his heat from his body. We laugh at the same things. And breath in unison. At one point of the movie we look at each other and kiss and I feel butterflies fluttering away.....
In a room surrounded by strangers all talking about one common challenge/ joy, breastfeeding. I feel shy, but strangely comfortable among these women. All the babies are gurgling and blowing raspberries, while all the toddlers are laughing and screaming downstairs. Mothers talking, sharing, and building bonds.
Walking out to take out the trash, I stop and inhale. Cool crisp air. Smell of leaves and fire burning. Reminds me of fall and makes me want to bake.
Flurries???? Did the radio weather guy just say 'a chance of flurries'???? It's September!!! Go figure.

These are some moments I had the last few days.