Moments...

Enjoy your long weekend and be safe. Lots of Love.

Missing the Wind

I could post some pictures, or talk about so many other wonderful things, but I believe in being honest and that is not what I am feeling at this moment. I want to speak truth into this blog. For weeks, possibly months, I have been trying to be "optomistic" and "positive" about our move back "home", but the truth is I miss Regina DAILY. It has been so hard coming back and feel like I have lost myself.

The truth be known, Dana and I prayed a lot before moving back to Summerland and we asked a lot of people whether we should move back or not. We read scripture, did Bible Studies, had many conversations, made pro and con lists. We did everything we could to make the right, and informed, choice. When the day came to decide, move or stay, we had decided to stay. The night before I had a powerful talk with a friend and was truly convicted that we should stay. Call it intuition, call it a gut feeling, but I thought it was God. Sounds "religious", but that is truly what I felt. I told Dana about it and he said he agreed. He said he thought that all week, but he didn't want to disappoint me thinking I wanted to move back. We went to sleep that night at peace, a little afraid about the future (there were still a few uncertainties in Regina too), but we felt we made the right decision.

In the morning, friends from Regina were calling to find out the news. I was excited to say we were staying. As the day went on, I talked to more and more people- from Regina and Summerland,- and felt more and more unsure if we made the right choice. I kept second guessing. I felt sick inside, thinking how can we possibly make this choice. I called Dana, crying, asking him if we made the wrong choice. He felt sick about it too, but said it is just the unknown we were afraid of and to have faith. But then in the days to come, we kept thinking of so many reasons to move back. Good reasons: family, grandparents, job, new car, new house, ect.... All great reasons. But I truly don't feel like they were any God reasons. And since we have moved back, I feel like we made the wrong choice. Again, not because of the people or our situation, but because of our faith. We love being close to family again, being able to see them all almost daily, to be apart of their exciting events, loving them, talking to them, spending time, but something is missing.

For those of you who have been reading my blog, you know that my faith has become extremely important to me. It is the MOST important thing. I truly believe that we went against God's calling for our lives. There, I said it. I believe God was calling us to stay in Regina and we chose not to and because of that, I feel sad, I feel like I failed, and I feel lost. Not that God abandons us. He never will leave, Dana and I, or any of you. He is always with us. He loves us. Like a father loves his child. I do think he is disappointed in us. I wonder what would have happened had we stayed. Dana and I joke around daily about moving back to the prairies. Wouldn't that just throw everyone. But they are only jokes. We are committed to Summerland now. I know God will continue to bless us, because we seek Him and we seek to learn from our mistakes. We want God to give our mistakes purpose. Great things come from mistakes.

This is how I am feeling. A mixture of emotions. Like wind, some quickly come and then go again. They hug you, they whirl around you, make you feel frightened, freed, embraced and exposed all at the same time. Some days are up and some days are down. I trust in God to bring purpose to it all, to heal Dana and I, and to open our hearts to His plans for us. Because ultimately, that is what this journey is for.

Church Cheating

Since we have moved back, Dana and I have been "church dating" trying to find a fit. We haven't had any luck. In part because I think we miss our old church so much. If only an 18 hour drive wasn't so long. Everytime we attend a church, I can't help and compare it with the last one we attended. I know it's wrong and I know even Rosewood took some time before we felt at home, but my problem is that I don't want to feel that way about another church. I want Rosewood.

Today I think God understood that and he answered a prayer that I have been praying for months (even before we left Regina I started praying). We went to a new church in Penticton at the recommendation of our old pastor. We were late and still people were kind and got our kids settled into the nursery as we headed off to the sanctuary. We walked in and they were singing an unfamiliar hymn. I got that weird feeling again and wanted to run home, but then the congregation grew silent while another song began to fill the room. My heart almost stopped and my eyes swelled with tears. I hadn't heard this worship song since our last day at Rosewood. I closed my eyes and I almost felt like I was back in our prairie home, sitting beside Tiff or Teena. I opened my eyes and was saddened that I didn't see my friends beside me. The song ended and the pastor talked about Father's. He was funny and offered great insight to fatherhood. On our way out the door a few people came up to us and asked if we were new and invited us to a Father's Day Picnic after the service. Dana and I got into the car and I asked Dana what he had thought. And he replied, "This is the one."

To some, finding a church is simple feat. You just pick one and go. But after Rosewood, we felt such a connection with our congregation, that going to any other church felt like "church cheating". Like we were cheating on our spouse with a mistress. Today was the first day that I didn't feel that way. Yes, I was sad that I wasn't surrounded by our Regina friends and family. I was sad that I didn't see Pastor Jerven behind the pew. I was sad that Kynan wasn't playing in sunday school with all his buddies. But I was happy because for the first time in a long time, I saw that we could have all that here too.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us. We really appreciate it and love each and everyone of you.

Much Love and Blessings,

The McCallums

Thought for the Day

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson, excerpt from 'A Return To Love'

First Beach Encounter

Yesterday, we had our first beach encounter of the year and the kids LOVED it. Especially Ava. I thought she would think it would be too cold, but instead she sat on the shore line while the waves lapped over her legs and she giggled and dug in the sand. Kynan, of course, enjoyed himself too. He ran along the shore, chasing perspective boats, dug in the sand with sticks and played with Ava. Here are some pictures to capture the evening.

No Name Post

Well, I had great intentions of posting a ton of pictures tonight, but to be honest I don't have the energy nor the patience. Instead, just one. This was from Regina just before we moved on our front lawn. Kynan and Ava were playing. Kynan looks like a Beetle. LOL.

I went saw Sex In the City last night with Carleen, Sha, Kaili, and Theresa. It was such a great movie. I loved it. My favorite part was such insignificant detail, but I couldn't stop laughing. I'm weird. Carleen thought so too. It was a great night out that I think I needed. Thanks gals. You have no idea how much it means to me.

To all my Regina gals, watching the movie made me miss you all so much more. Ahhh... I wish I was there with you to just hang. This whole transition thing sucks. I wish we could have it all you know. The best of both worlds all in one place.

That's it for me.

A Little Lost

Since moving back to sunny Summerland, I have been feeling a little lost. Don't get me wrong. It is wonderful to be back in throws of family again. Seeing my niece and nephew play with their cousins. Going for walks with Baba. Sewing with Grandma. Family dinners. Birthday parties. Even weddings. But still this feeling creeps up. Especially when I want to go to the park and go to call Teena to come out with her kids too. Or when I just need a break and want to connect with Tiff and Kelle for a girls night. Go for dinner with Shauna. Go to Tots Cafe with Tara. And have an amazing conversation with all the ladies at MOPS. All of these people were such an 'everyday' part of my life, I feel a little lost without them.

Never before have I had such wonderful girlfriends who saw me for me. I wasn't "Dana's wife" or "Kynan's mom", a daughter or an in law. I was Susie and I was a friend. They really embraced me for who I am and allowed me to share my uniqueness. It has always been my hope that the people I encounter see what's in my heart. I wear it on my sleeve for all to see. I share it. And because I share it, I get hurt easily. When I am not included in something, or not appreciated for my talents, or simply just misunderstood. It hurts me.

I don't share this because of a specific event or person. I share this because my Regina connection was such a love tank filler and quite frankly I am feeling a little empty. It has been an adjustment moving back. Much harder than I have ever imagined. It's different here, the town is different, people are different, but more so I am different.

My prayer tonight is that we didn't make a mistake. That God will use this decision to better us as people and touch the lives of those around us. My prayer is that I will find what I am looking for. And that I will appreciate what I have. Please pray and give thanks with me.