This post is going to be a little random, finally with some pictures, and honest. Well, I thought I would turn a new page and title this post honesty because I am going to reveal to everyone how I have been really feeling mostly because it's theraputic, but also I want people to know me for me. Not who I want them to percieve me as. Thank you readers for all of your words of encouragement on the last post. I really needed it, to be honest. The last few weeks, maybe months, have not been my greatest.
Let's start with how I have been feeling. Because it's a bit of a downer and I want to end on a positive note. I have been, I believe, suffering from delayed post partum. I don't care if you disagree, but this is what I am chopping it up to. I haven't felt like myself 80% of the time. I have really bad mood swings. One minute I am laughing and enjoying whatever I am doing and the next all I want to do is go to bed or let the rage out (ie: yelling). I have had crashing headaches which I normally don't get, and I have been very tired.... not just I have a baby tired, but oddly tired and unmotivated. I get frustrated at little things lately. Something like doing the dishes becomes a huge chore and I get mad... almost furious. That's the downer.
But the positive thing is that I have an incredible husband that seems to hold me together even when I am in pieces. He totally puts up with my tantrums, and holds me for the crying and apologizing afterwards. He makes the happy times that much more sweeter and when he is around, my moods stay positive longer. I will admit that I have been very hard on him since we've moved to Regina. Expecting alot from him. I know he feels torn and that sometimes he can't do the right thing, but mostly it is just me deflecting on to him. SO if you read this Dana, I love you so much, I appreciate you beyond what you will ever know and thank you so much for sticking with me.
I also have a tremendous family that has been pouring on the love lately, and I have to say that I really really am thankful for them. SOmetimes I call my mom 3 times a day, a little sad, but sometimes I just need to hear her voice. She is never busy to listen, even if it is just about laundry or the other nothings we talk about. My brother Greg has been calling religiously just to keep in touch. I use to find it a little awkward talking to him just because I use to feel like we didn't have a lot in common, but now I look forward to our phone calls so much and love just talking him. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I look forward to reading Kaili's comments. She is always so full of wisdom. Carleen has been sending the kids post cards letting them know she is thinking about them and just sent us a Halloween care package. Carleen, I ate that chocolate bar so fast your head would spin. Really, my entire family has pulled together to really help me through this difficult time so thank you so much. Life is so much sweeter knowing I have such an amazing family.
And of course my friends, blogger buddies, facebook pals, and long time connections- all seem to lately pooling together to show their support. I have been blinded lately to how fortunate I am, but my eyes are open and thank you so much for making me feel supported and blessed. And thank you for not judging me because in all honesty, I think it would have pitted me over the deep end. I am already being very hard on myself.
As for my action plan, I hope that through some counselling... yes counselling and a little bit of Susie time I will get through this. And I know I will get through this because I am strong person.
As for being a bad mom. I have my moments and I don't do everything I should, but I also have moments when I shine as these photos show. I love my kids more than life itself and they have given me my purpose. I was talking to my mom yesterday on the phone, crying because I always thought that my life had this great purpose intended for it. That sounds a little egotistical, but that's truly how I feel and how I still feel. But maybe I am looking at it all wrong. Maybe my great purpose is my children and role as a wife. And through the love that I share with them, they will go on to do greatness. Just a thought.
So thanks for reading my awefully long post and sticking with me through all the negativity. I hope to be a little bit more positive in posts to come, but no promises. After all we all need to vent from time to time.
9 comments:
just a little more blogger-love, because you can never have too much....
Thinking of you as you take action. You GO, girl!
Susie Wow. I thank you for being so totally honest. I have to say from what I have seen, you are not a bad mom. I know I have only known you for a short time but this is my honest opinion. You do have a great husband and wonderful, beautiful children, but you are so amazing also. I look so forward to getting to know you better and I must say that we are looking forward to getting together with you on sunday. When I told my sister Peggy and brother inlaw Ken that I invited you guys, they were so happy. I mean that! I talked to Peggy tonight and she said that they were truly excited to have you come to their house. As far as counseling goes, I'm all for it! I have had to have it myself over the years. There is nothing wrong with it.
And it is only natural to miss your family back home. I'm hoping that you will not just get lost in a sea of Reginans, but you will shine and become one of us, whatever that means??? Any way I just want to encourage you to keep on trucking girl. That is what my daddy always says to me when I struggle. Keep on trucking. Glad that you are here Susie and family. God bless. Okay long post, long comment. ;) See you soon.
Way to take action Susie! That is the most important part. Proud of you.
You've had some pretty major life changes over the past few months. Those kinds of changes cause some pretty serious stress. I think some Susie time is a great idea.
Thanks for you honesty!
Thanks for being so open and honest, Susie. It sounds like you've got a really good perspective on all of this and I'm glad you're willing to get some help. That means you're making your health and family a priority, so good for you!
I hope the fog lifts soon.
I love that that post had pictures, but honestly (if that's what were going with this post) it brought tears to my eyes seeing you guys and missing you so much. It really brought those feels to the surface for me. I miss you guys so much!
Jaia yells (SO LOUD) "KYNAN" when I play that message K-boy left for him the other day. He loves it.
I'm sure it doesn't help you feeling the way you do to say that I miss you guys, but honestly that is what the post did for me. I hate having you guys there, and really wish you would just move back already. Honesty, check!
Looking back I had some postpartum issues too, it's a huge change for your body let alone moving away from everything that is familiar to you your whole life.
Some one good to talk to aside from Dad as far as postpartum goes is Rob W. E-mail him, and ask when he thinks.
Good luck searching for your happy spot.
hi, I was the tall lady from the church nursery yesterday. I wanted to say hey I read your blog but didnt want to freak you out.;-)
Anyway, I struggled big time with postpartum after my second one and struggled with overwhelming issues too. I thankfully I had a very understanding, loving husband too and family close by. I understand totalling what u are going through and feel so bad that u don't have the family support, I did, but also know that a loving church home can be there too. Our church has been through some struggles in last couple years but I beleive with a new pastor on board now, we are on a good start again. I pray u will find a church family that works for your family, if not us than somewhere else. Thought I would plug our church a bit though and let you know about our MOPS(Mother of Preschoolers). It is mainly a social/support time but have times of crafts and and some cooking too, I understand. I help with the childcare there and know the main ladies in charge. They are a warm bunch of loving ladies that would welcome one more with open arms. It runs Wednesday mornings from 10- 12.
I appreciate your honesty as well. I really enjoyed our conversation on the phone the other day... feel free to call anytime. It sounds like you are figuring out what you need and that is important :) I'm proud of you ... *hugs*
Thanks for sharing Susie! It was such a nice post of counting your blessings and acknowledging your needs. I am so happy you have the support here and other places to share, it really does a person good. I hope today is one full of encouragement!
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