It Evoked an Emotion

When I say it evoked an emotion, I mean it really hit a cord. Tonight Dana and I watched the Michael Moore movie, Sicko. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. It was very thought provoking. Thought provoking until he interviewed a woman who shared her story of when her 1 and half year old daughter ran a fever and we she brought her into emergency she was refused care because her insurer didn't cover the hospital she went to. Because of the delay in transfer, her daughter got worse and worse until she went into cardiac arrest and died. It made me think of the time that we rushed Kynan to the hospital with a fever at 4 am in June of 2006. He was hardly breathing and was burning up. We were admitted immediately and he was given the care he needed.... free of cost (outside the cost of our taxes and the medications they perscribed). But the point is that he was cared for, not refused, and in essence saved his life. I cried after hearing that story. It hit home a little to close. I am not sure what my views are on health care. To be honest I have never paid that much attention. But as a human being, a mom, a wife.... I would NEVER want to hold my dying child in my arms, helpless, because of something as insignificant as what hospital I was at. Just a thought.

Beyond Cute

This will be a completely random post all about my kids....

The other day we were over at Abby's house and Dana walked in on the kids 'playing doctor'. Kynan was lying on the bed and Abby had stethascope in hand. Apparently Abby is going to be a doctor when she grows up. I love the innocents of children, but when they are about 8 no more playing in each other rooms! LOL.

Kynan has also got into singing lately and he picks up songs really fast. He learned 'You are my Sunshine' after about 5 run throughs. And sings it all the time to Ava. He also knows his alphabet by heart, probably because I sing it to him when we nurse. He knows a few other songs too and is always asking us to sing to him now. Especially at bed time, twinkle twinkle.

Ava is gurgling now.... seriously. It sounds like she has mouthwash and is about to spit. It sounds so funny. And she gets louder if you don't acknowledge her. She is developing such a strong voice. I already have a feeling that she is going to be very independant and vocal.

I also think Ava will be crawling soon. Maybe this is pre-mature, but she tries she just doesn't know how to coordinate herself yet, but she definately has the strength.

That's about all that is new with my darlings, as for me, I am feeling so much better already. I have been making a conscious effort to feel good. Whenever I feel myself slipping into a hole, I affirm myself and say 'Today is a good day' and then stop what I am doing and take a few moments for myself. It seems to be working. It's amazing the power of mind.

Anyway, that is my update. Have a happy day.

Honesty .... A New Page

This post is going to be a little random, finally with some pictures, and honest. Well, I thought I would turn a new page and title this post honesty because I am going to reveal to everyone how I have been really feeling mostly because it's theraputic, but also I want people to know me for me. Not who I want them to percieve me as. Thank you readers for all of your words of encouragement on the last post. I really needed it, to be honest. The last few weeks, maybe months, have not been my greatest.


Let's start with how I have been feeling. Because it's a bit of a downer and I want to end on a positive note. I have been, I believe, suffering from delayed post partum. I don't care if you disagree, but this is what I am chopping it up to. I haven't felt like myself 80% of the time. I have really bad mood swings. One minute I am laughing and enjoying whatever I am doing and the next all I want to do is go to bed or let the rage out (ie: yelling). I have had crashing headaches which I normally don't get, and I have been very tired.... not just I have a baby tired, but oddly tired and unmotivated. I get frustrated at little things lately. Something like doing the dishes becomes a huge chore and I get mad... almost furious. That's the downer.



But the positive thing is that I have an incredible husband that seems to hold me together even when I am in pieces. He totally puts up with my tantrums, and holds me for the crying and apologizing afterwards. He makes the happy times that much more sweeter and when he is around, my moods stay positive longer. I will admit that I have been very hard on him since we've moved to Regina. Expecting alot from him. I know he feels torn and that sometimes he can't do the right thing, but mostly it is just me deflecting on to him. SO if you read this Dana, I love you so much, I appreciate you beyond what you will ever know and thank you so much for sticking with me.





I also have a tremendous family that has been pouring on the love lately, and I have to say that I really really am thankful for them. SOmetimes I call my mom 3 times a day, a little sad, but sometimes I just need to hear her voice. She is never busy to listen, even if it is just about laundry or the other nothings we talk about. My brother Greg has been calling religiously just to keep in touch. I use to find it a little awkward talking to him just because I use to feel like we didn't have a lot in common, but now I look forward to our phone calls so much and love just talking him. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I look forward to reading Kaili's comments. She is always so full of wisdom. Carleen has been sending the kids post cards letting them know she is thinking about them and just sent us a Halloween care package. Carleen, I ate that chocolate bar so fast your head would spin. Really, my entire family has pulled together to really help me through this difficult time so thank you so much. Life is so much sweeter knowing I have such an amazing family.





And of course my friends, blogger buddies, facebook pals, and long time connections- all seem to lately pooling together to show their support. I have been blinded lately to how fortunate I am, but my eyes are open and thank you so much for making me feel supported and blessed. And thank you for not judging me because in all honesty, I think it would have pitted me over the deep end. I am already being very hard on myself.

As for my action plan, I hope that through some counselling... yes counselling and a little bit of Susie time I will get through this. And I know I will get through this because I am strong person.

As for being a bad mom. I have my moments and I don't do everything I should, but I also have moments when I shine as these photos show. I love my kids more than life itself and they have given me my purpose. I was talking to my mom yesterday on the phone, crying because I always thought that my life had this great purpose intended for it. That sounds a little egotistical, but that's truly how I feel and how I still feel. But maybe I am looking at it all wrong. Maybe my great purpose is my children and role as a wife. And through the love that I share with them, they will go on to do greatness. Just a thought.

So thanks for reading my awefully long post and sticking with me through all the negativity. I hope to be a little bit more positive in posts to come, but no promises. After all we all need to vent from time to time.

For the last 2 days we have been out of touch as we have been out camping in the boonies. Well not really..... unless you call a provincial park the boonies. We travelled out to a little gem about an hour outside Regina called, Echo Lake. Jen and Jordan recommended it. And I have to say they did not disappoint. It really was beautiful with awesome private sites. We spent most of our days walking, playing at the park, reading books, hiking, sleeping, going to the market, playing mini golf .... all the regular camping stuff. We lucked out with great weather and were looking forward to some swimming; however, we took one look at the beach and opt'd not. It was covered... and I mean covered in dead skeleton fish. The lake looked like it would be great for fishing as they were jumping all night; however, I believe the birds had their first pick and they took advantage. It was good to get away... but it is always good coming home.

In other news.... I always thought that one of the perks of breast feeding was that you remain 'infertile' while you are soley breast feeding. At least that is what I have been told, but I have yet to experience this first hand. With Kynan, it only took 2 months before I was able to 'conceive' again. And now again with Ava. At least I made it to 3 months. I guess it's good, but I was looking forward to a few more months friend free.

Ok, yesterday we bought an attachment for our bike for the kids to sit in. I envisioned many long bike rides, with kids laughing and smiling in the back, and shedding the pounds as we ride along. We just got back from our very first bike ride, and besides the screaming kids in the back, the stroller coming unhooked from my bike (the safety latch works thankfully), and the extremely flat tires..... I am exhausted and SO out of shape. Sadly we just went around our small little block. Sad? Not as sad as the big bowl of honey nut cheerios and strawberries I consoled myself with.

The Life of a Mom...

I am sitting in our living room right now listening to Ava coo. She has been sleeping for almost 4 hours in her swing. Crazy! Kynan just woke up from his nap and demanded Mighty Machines. When I put in 'At the Airport', he said "no mom, dirt". So 'At the Cement Yard' it was. His bum is all rashed out because he refused to tell me that he poo'd. He was doing really good, but now is back to not saying anything. Some days I think we are on the brink of potty training him, but then we have a day like today. Anyway, I am a little bored. I was organising my closet, but ran out of hangers. Walmart stop tonight. I then started cutting in the paint in the Kitchen, but ran out of umph. I love the colour. It's called Grass Clothe. I should be making dinner....lasana to celebrate Dana's first day of work, but I still have lots of time before he gets home. So here I am, snuggling with Kynan, blogging and watching Mighty Machines. The life of a mom....