Saying Goodbye

Yestderday was Calvin's funeral. The night before, the viewing. For last two weeks, I think I was too caught up in the "What can I do", and "How can I help" mode to really focus and allow myself to feel the loss of Calvin. It really didn't hit me until I was staring at his precious face, over his casket. I walked into the chapel and my brother was sitting at the front pew, it looked like he was just spending time with his son. I gave him a hug, and was about to look at Calvin when my sister-in-law came up behind me and asked if I would be ok. She then said that if I didn't want to look at him it would be ok. I really didn't understand. I wanted to meet him, to see him. So without a second thought I looked over at his tiny little peaceful body. He looked like he was in a peaceful deep sleep. I started to cry. I was doing everything I could to stop myself from caressing his check, tickling his toes, picking him up and patting his bum. Thinking that by doing that he would miraculously wake up and show me his beautiful eyes. I am not sure how much time had passed, but in the time I was there I cried, prayed, and cried some more. When I thought I was done, and went to walk out of the chapel. I couldn't move. I was frozen. I couldn't leave my nephew alone. I kept crying, praying that God would give me strength to collect myself and walk away, but I couldn't. He needed me. If it wasn't for Margaret stepping in, I think I would still be there. I burried my head into her shoulder and wept. Repeatingly saying sorry for her loss, sorry for emotions, and as I cried- she guided me out of the chapel. All I kept thinking is how incredibly strong she is. After all, this is her son, and she is guiding me out of the chapel. I couldn't even face the rest of my family. I had to run to the bathroom and collect myself. It was the single most hardest and most beautiful greeting and goodbye I have ever had. I was meeting my nephew for the first time, and in the same breathe saying goodbye.

The next day was the funeral. It was very beautiful. The flowers, the pictures, the people. I was grateful to have gone, but honestly Ava really didn't allow me to experience the funeral. Maybe she instinctibely knew that it would be hard and was trying to distract me. It wasn't until we were up at the grave site that I really felt the emotion sweep over me again. With family helping with the kids at that moment, I was really able to pray for Calvin's journey into the afterlife. And to spend some moments with God. In those moments I felt peace. I felt God reassuring me that I would see Calvin again. That I would one day get my chance to hold him when we will be reunited. And that he would love on him and care for him until then.

It's amazing to me how much my heart breaks for this little soul I didn't even really know. My heart breaks for his heart, his body, the strain he endured. My heart breaks for his mom and dad and siblings. For my family. He touched many lives even in the short days he lived. But in the midst of all this, I do feel peace knowing that he is with Jesus. Knowing that I will see will again all too soon.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

Psalm 139:13-18 NIV