A little something for everyone.

Christmas with Yaya and Uncle Jared.

Grandpa Mike teaching Kynan to ride.

Some of these pictures are not very good quality, but they all bring a happy tear to my eye.

Baba and Kynan on his 1st Birthday!

The Hoblak Generations Picture.

Aunty Shalane and Kynan celebrating.

Kynan standing on Aunty Shalane's (now) house.

Mommy & Mr. K

The heartbreaking hospital visit. Kynan manages to kepp good spirits.

I'm Darth Vadar

Grandpa Al gives Kynan a ride.

Aunty Susie holds Jaia for the very first time.

Kynan meeting Jaia for the first time. Jaia was a milk-a-holic. LOL.

Kynan and cousin Lorelei. She loves him!

Kynan actually fell asleep like this one night.

In Papa's workshop.

Spending the day with Grandma.

Papa on the ground with his favorate grandkids.

Kynan Grandpa Al's truck.

Fishing with Grandpa Al.

The Response

In response to Amanda's blog. I have to say Amanda I felt a little kindred to you today as I read your blog as I feel the exact same way. As I tried to tackle our basement today, the pit as it has been affectionally named, I got more frustrated with every box I moved for the umteenth billionth time, with every piece of rooting or dried food I picked up, every broken toy, dirty laundry........... not to mention the saw dust and drywall that has been yet to be thrown away or vaccumed up since we added (or somewhat added) another room to our basement. I have been working for 3 hours and now their our little piles all over the basement. Garbage. Recycling. Toys to go upstairs. Totes to go in the shed. Things to be sold online. I told Dana that if he doesn't come home and immediately put the piles to their designated areas, he will be grounded. Yes, I told my husband grounded. No hockey for a week. I'm a big meany, but I am at the end of my rope. So Amanda, in response to your blog. We all have 'pits' or 'dungeons' in our lives......... try grounding your husband. LOL.

In other news, Ava cut her first tooth. We discovered it on Wednesday morning after a rather hellish night before. I am so proud of her. She is very cranky today too... maybe another one is one its way.

Today I am missing home a little. I miss our almost daily trips down to the Beanery to get a hot chocolate for Kynan. I miss my mom and I's sewing sessions while we listened to dad and Kynan run around in the living room. I miss our shopping trips. I miss family dinners with lots of yummy foods and laughter and jokes. I really miss those. I miss play dates with cousins and coffees with sister-in-laws. I miss family hugs and not so good days. I miss 'I'm too tired to get up can you come look after the kids' calls to my mom. I have come to the realisation of two things. Firstly, I was a little spoiled having family living so close and who were always there for us when we needed it. And secondly, I miss people knowing me. And I mean really knowing me. Knowing what I am trying to say even if the words don't come out right. Knowing that I sometimes say the wrong thing and forgive me anyways. I miss people really wanting to spend time with me. I really miss home.

On the other hand, I have to think about why we moved... Dana is always reminding me. And look into our future when the sacrifices we made today will pay off ten fold in our future. I am truly blessed to be married to a forward thinker and a man who is not afraid to make decisions and I mean really hard decisions. Our move out here has not been my first choice, but I do like it here. Our little house, our little yard, our neighbours, our library, our Y, the shopping, the parks, the family walks, the new first impressions, the reacquainting with old friends. There are many positives.

I guess sometimes we just need to reminisce. I love you Mom & Dad, Greg & Trish, Shane Margaret & Lorelei, Al & Carleen, Rob Kaili & Jaia, Shalane & Phil. You have no idea how much I miss you every single one of you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Not that long ago...

my little angel was a tiny little being in my arms. So peaceful, sleeping, no worries... It's hard to believe that she now looks like this.....




In only 5 months! i can't imagine looking back on her life on her 21st birthday. I will be 45 years old. Yikes.

Ava turned 5 months on Friday. The time seems to be going by to fast. I wish I could slow down our moments together. Especially when she wants to cuddle. I wish I could freeze everything else in those moments and just enjoy your existence. She is incredible. A miracle. My sweet angel baby.

Ladybug Delight

Dana was out mowing our lawn today and discovered one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. Hundreds of ladybugs. They were all gracing a small patch by our tree. Kynan held them and gently passed them between his hands. It was incredible. They say if a ladybug lands on you it's good luck. What does it mean when hundreds make your home their home?

Story of Us

My 'born to be husband'. That is what I use to call Dana when we were in high school and I was pining to be his girlfriend. Dana and I met in the summer of 1998. We instantly had a connection, but remained just friends as I was dating someone else. After that relationship was blown out of the water... I was pretty heartbroken and turned to my friend for comfort. Dana was a knight in shining armer and quickly became one of my best friends. He listened as I cried and babbled on and on about the ex and never once complained. Even after several months of talking about how heart broken I was he still never complained, but spending all that time with him really started to open my eyes to what was right in front of me. I remember making a wish for my soul mate one really bad night (I had just found out that my ex had started dating... already). I made a wish for someone to love me completely and passionately. The next day I looked at Dana and almost felt a lightening bolt penetrate me. Well, from that moment on I was in love... secretly. Our movie dates, and ice cream binges always had a hidden meaning for me. I would imagine what our first kiss would be like. I told my girlfriend that I was going to marry Dana one day, that he was the one. Dana was oblivious to all of this. He had many girlfriends while we were friends and I would always smile and nod as he told me the going ons between them. I remember him telling me that he broke up with Jill Robbins, and I was so excited I almost peed myself. But then in the same breathe he said he thought he might be interested in Marisa Moore. Again, I kept my secret to myself. I was so anamored I still remember going to a church rally and I had cinnimon hearts in my jacket pocket. Dana reached in a grabbed a handful. This surely meant he loved me too??? (A side note, I still have that bag of cinnimon hearts... what can I say?). I finally got up enough courage to ask Dana out .... the conversation went a little like this:

"Hi Dana, how's it goin'?"

"Fine"

"Are you doin' anything or can we talk?"

"I can talk" (said a little hesitantly)

"Well, I was just thinking about us and I was .... ah.... thinkin..... that maybe we could take our relationship to the next level?" (I held my breathe and was thinking 'next level' what kind of stupid thing was that to say)

...... An awkward pause......

"Honestly Susie, I just want to be friends"

(the earth fell out from beneath me)

"Ya, well no problem. It was just an idea. I gotta go. Talk to you later."

When I got off the phone I was mortified. Heartbroken and so embarassed. But it didn't stop me from asking again. A few weeks later, after several get togethers with just him and I, we kissed. It was the best first kiss I have ever had and when I think it about today I still get butterflies. He literally took my breathe away that night. But after we pulled away from each other, me needing to know and analyse every detail asked, "What does this mean?"

Dana replied with, "Nothing, I still just want to be your friend" Was he not there for our earth shaking kiss just now???? Anyway, again mortified, I asked him drive me home immediately and ran up to my room and cried. Was I out of my mind, I could have sworn that we had chemistry and that he felt it too. I was very heartbroken and so embarressed.... again, I didn't talk to Dana for over a month. But by then we had grown really close and that month hurt because it was like living without your best friend. I finally decided to call him up, casually, and ask him to hang out. After that, I tried to put my feelings for him on the back burner, and just be his friend. It was working, but everytime I went home I knew how I felt and I couldn't pretend any longer. The next time we saw each other I was going to tell him I couldn't be around him anymore. I went over to his house to watch a movie, Kiss the Girls. Not very romantic, but we were buddies- not dating. We were lying watching the movie and I looked up at him (to gaze really), but he was looking at me!!!! My heart skipped a beat. "Why is he looking at me?" "Does he like me?" And before I could analyse it anymore, he kissed me. At first I melted into his warm comforting arms, but then I realised we had been here before and I couldn't take to be rejected again. I pulled away. I told him I was sorry, but I couldn't be a 'friend with benefits'. I wasn't like that and I liked him too much. That he had to choose, all of me or nothing. Because I couldn't be around him as friends anymore. At that moment he said something that I will never forget. It is the foundation of our marriage vows and is still a common phrase we say to each other. He said, "I want you for infinity". (sigh) I melted back into his arms and enjoyed snuggling with him for the rest of the movie. I was on a high for weeks, months, and maybe even still- after that perfect moment. I know this story is kind of cheesy, but I love telling it.

Dana and I have been together now since February 26th 2000- that was the night. We have been friends, best friends, for almost a decade. It's been the best 10 years of my life.

Beyond Cute

This will be a completely random post all about my kids....

The other day we were over at Abby's house and Dana walked in on the kids 'playing doctor'. Kynan was lying on the bed and Abby had stethascope in hand. Apparently Abby is going to be a doctor when she grows up. I love the innocents of children, but when they are about 8 no more playing in each other rooms! LOL.

Kynan has also got into singing lately and he picks up songs really fast. He learned 'You are my Sunshine' after about 5 run throughs. And sings it all the time to Ava. He also knows his alphabet by heart, probably because I sing it to him when we nurse. He knows a few other songs too and is always asking us to sing to him now. Especially at bed time, twinkle twinkle.

Ava is gurgling now.... seriously. It sounds like she has mouthwash and is about to spit. It sounds so funny. And she gets louder if you don't acknowledge her. She is developing such a strong voice. I already have a feeling that she is going to be very independant and vocal.

I also think Ava will be crawling soon. Maybe this is pre-mature, but she tries she just doesn't know how to coordinate herself yet, but she definately has the strength.

That's about all that is new with my darlings, as for me, I am feeling so much better already. I have been making a conscious effort to feel good. Whenever I feel myself slipping into a hole, I affirm myself and say 'Today is a good day' and then stop what I am doing and take a few moments for myself. It seems to be working. It's amazing the power of mind.

Anyway, that is my update. Have a happy day.

Honesty .... A New Page

This post is going to be a little random, finally with some pictures, and honest. Well, I thought I would turn a new page and title this post honesty because I am going to reveal to everyone how I have been really feeling mostly because it's theraputic, but also I want people to know me for me. Not who I want them to percieve me as. Thank you readers for all of your words of encouragement on the last post. I really needed it, to be honest. The last few weeks, maybe months, have not been my greatest.


Let's start with how I have been feeling. Because it's a bit of a downer and I want to end on a positive note. I have been, I believe, suffering from delayed post partum. I don't care if you disagree, but this is what I am chopping it up to. I haven't felt like myself 80% of the time. I have really bad mood swings. One minute I am laughing and enjoying whatever I am doing and the next all I want to do is go to bed or let the rage out (ie: yelling). I have had crashing headaches which I normally don't get, and I have been very tired.... not just I have a baby tired, but oddly tired and unmotivated. I get frustrated at little things lately. Something like doing the dishes becomes a huge chore and I get mad... almost furious. That's the downer.



But the positive thing is that I have an incredible husband that seems to hold me together even when I am in pieces. He totally puts up with my tantrums, and holds me for the crying and apologizing afterwards. He makes the happy times that much more sweeter and when he is around, my moods stay positive longer. I will admit that I have been very hard on him since we've moved to Regina. Expecting alot from him. I know he feels torn and that sometimes he can't do the right thing, but mostly it is just me deflecting on to him. SO if you read this Dana, I love you so much, I appreciate you beyond what you will ever know and thank you so much for sticking with me.





I also have a tremendous family that has been pouring on the love lately, and I have to say that I really really am thankful for them. SOmetimes I call my mom 3 times a day, a little sad, but sometimes I just need to hear her voice. She is never busy to listen, even if it is just about laundry or the other nothings we talk about. My brother Greg has been calling religiously just to keep in touch. I use to find it a little awkward talking to him just because I use to feel like we didn't have a lot in common, but now I look forward to our phone calls so much and love just talking him. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I look forward to reading Kaili's comments. She is always so full of wisdom. Carleen has been sending the kids post cards letting them know she is thinking about them and just sent us a Halloween care package. Carleen, I ate that chocolate bar so fast your head would spin. Really, my entire family has pulled together to really help me through this difficult time so thank you so much. Life is so much sweeter knowing I have such an amazing family.





And of course my friends, blogger buddies, facebook pals, and long time connections- all seem to lately pooling together to show their support. I have been blinded lately to how fortunate I am, but my eyes are open and thank you so much for making me feel supported and blessed. And thank you for not judging me because in all honesty, I think it would have pitted me over the deep end. I am already being very hard on myself.

As for my action plan, I hope that through some counselling... yes counselling and a little bit of Susie time I will get through this. And I know I will get through this because I am strong person.

As for being a bad mom. I have my moments and I don't do everything I should, but I also have moments when I shine as these photos show. I love my kids more than life itself and they have given me my purpose. I was talking to my mom yesterday on the phone, crying because I always thought that my life had this great purpose intended for it. That sounds a little egotistical, but that's truly how I feel and how I still feel. But maybe I am looking at it all wrong. Maybe my great purpose is my children and role as a wife. And through the love that I share with them, they will go on to do greatness. Just a thought.

So thanks for reading my awefully long post and sticking with me through all the negativity. I hope to be a little bit more positive in posts to come, but no promises. After all we all need to vent from time to time.

The Comparison Game

I think this post will be a little bit of a vent because I have been holding this in and decided that I am positive (am hoping) that there are other moms who either feel the same way I do or at least understand. The comparison game is a fun (not really) game that most moms play, whether they admit to it or not. It's mainly...'my baby is better then yours' and quite truthfully it drives me crazy. For once I would like moms to be honest about how they are feeling and what they are faced with on a daily basis. We all have our moments and no one is perfect... not even our precious children.

I will be the first to confess.... Kynan is not potty trained, only just learned his alphabet and even at that he just sings it and muffles the letters together, he eats a little too much sugar and watches way too much TV. Ava doesn't sleep through the night and I have resorted to giving her pablum as it seems to be the only thing that keeps her sleeping for more than 2 hours. She spends only about 30 minutes a day on her belly and the rest of the time she is in her exersaucer, swing, on her back on a mat, or in her highchair. I rarely hold her for long periods of time for several reasons. First and fore most, she is not a cuddler and likes her own space. And between chores, renos and chasing Kynan- there isn't much more time left in the day. As for me, there is so many imperfections about myself to list (we are always harder on ourselves). For instance, I still have not lost my baby weight from Kynan and to be honest I really haven't tried. I like food, especially sweets and my waste line shows it. I am not the best cook, baker, launderer, ect.... I am not always the best mom and I am certainly not always the best wife. I use to be super positive about everything, but in the last few years I have developed an attitude and am cynical about certain things. I wish that I had good routine with the kids where they got craft, story, and outside time regularly. I wish that Kynan only watched a half an hour of TV a day. And I wish I weighed even 160 lbs and had a golden tan. But all of these things are just not reality for us. I am imperfect. I'm not saying I don't strive for all these things, I do, but sometimes we just have to be happy with what we are doing otherwise we will go crazy.... comparing.

I do have some good moments and characteristics, but this post not about that. Because we all have and flaunt the good things whenever we play the game.

The last few weeks have been a haze for me and to be honest I still have to wake up and make a mental note to myself to be happy. I have been depressed (scary word), but it's the truth. I have been temperamental to say the least. And very uninterested in 'mothering'. I know that sounds bad, but it happens. I wanted to write this post in case there were any other moms out there that feel like they are the worst mom ever. I am here to say you are not alone and the best way to fight the comparison game is .... HONESTY.

There it is.... my venting post. Sorry if I offended anyone, but I certainly feel better now. I have confessed to the world I am a bad mom and it is liberating.

My Hero, My Lovey, And the Awe of it All

MY HERO...
My dad came out to visit (aka: work on our house) for about a week and a half and just left on Wednesday. My mom followed him out here two days after he left. They were both here helping us get some work done our house and I think we are back on track. Upstairs just needs the baseboads nailed in and painted, the bathroom painted, and the kitchen cabinets painted. Once those things are done I will be posting before and afters. I just wanted to say thanks to my parents for coming out. I wasn't feeling myself and they were not only empathetic on the phone and listened to what I was feeling, they truly showed me what wonderful parents they are by taking the next step and actually coming out and .... rescueing me. Dana was doing a great job, but one man can only do so much and a wife can only do so much. While my dad and mom were here they finished the laminate, tiled two rooms, made and painted baseboards, framed out a craft room, and planned out a second bathroom. All in the midst of two children. My dad was incredible with Kynan and even after a long days work would still have the energy to love on his grandson. I am so thankful for them. I know our move wasn't easy on them and being there for my family regardless means the world to me.

MY LOVEY....
Yesterday Dana and I celebrated our 4th year anniversary and I will be the only wife that will probably be honest... it kinda sucked. For months I told Dana that he was in charge of planning our romantic date on our anniversary and this is what he came up with... after months of planning. A night at home with the kids (I cooked dinner). Fun eh? I do have to give him kudos for ordering me 'Notting Hill' one of my favo movies and one of the first date memories. And he did get dressed up for me and looked damn fine, but it was a far cry from what I had envisioned if you know what I mean. Regardless, 4 years have passed. And they have been the most joyous love filled years of my life. And not a day goes by that I am not thankful for the wonderful man that Dana is. He is perfection in my eyes,, in an imperfect sorta way. I am lucky to have him despite his incapability to plan a romantic date.

AWE OF IT ALL...
My kiddies have been a source of amazement lately, but in truth I have been blinded from it by the haze that I have been in. Just in the last few days have I really been able to shake myself out of it and truly look at what an amazing blessing it is to be a mom. They always surprize me with their unconditional love and affection. Their neediness can only be fulfilled by me and when it is only my kisses that can heal that boo boo, I have to admit it makes me feel good. Ava is roli-poli lately and Kynan has all sorts of new Diego tricks up his sleeves. They are a joy and leave me feeling in awe.

Then There Were 4

On Saturday we went to visit our good friends as they just welcomed their second and probably last baby, into the world. I have to admit that it was a little different seeing the 4 of them on the couch and again I am reminded of the miracle of life and of.... family. Jo is so beautiful and tiny... just a perfect bundle of joy and Abby is the perfect big sister. Just like Kynan at times and a little too affectionate, but if that is the only worry who is complaining. Jen looks incredible. One of those moms who looks like she didn't even give birth. She is radiating with happiness. Speaking of radiating, Jordan is too. He is definately a proud daddy. The Clan is overjoyed for our friends and wish them lots of snuggles over the coming weeks.