Yestderday was Calvin's funeral. The night before, the viewing. For last two weeks, I think I was too caught up in the "What can I do", and "How can I help" mode to really focus and allow myself to feel the loss of Calvin. It really didn't hit me until I was staring at his precious face, over his casket. I walked into the chapel and my brother was sitting at the front pew, it looked like he was just spending time with his son. I gave him a hug, and was about to look at Calvin when my sister-in-law came up behind me and asked if I would be ok. She then said that if I didn't want to look at him it would be ok. I really didn't understand. I wanted to meet him, to see him. So without a second thought I looked over at his tiny little peaceful body. He looked like he was in a peaceful deep sleep. I started to cry. I was doing everything I could to stop myself from caressing his check, tickling his toes, picking him up and patting his bum. Thinking that by doing that he would miraculously wake up and show me his beautiful eyes. I am not sure how much time had passed, but in the time I was there I cried, prayed, and cried some more. When I thought I was done, and went to walk out of the chapel. I couldn't move. I was frozen. I couldn't leave my nephew alone. I kept crying, praying that God would give me strength to collect myself and walk away, but I couldn't. He needed me. If it wasn't for Margaret stepping in, I think I would still be there. I burried my head into her shoulder and wept. Repeatingly saying sorry for her loss, sorry for emotions, and as I cried- she guided me out of the chapel. All I kept thinking is how incredibly strong she is. After all, this is her son, and she is guiding me out of the chapel. I couldn't even face the rest of my family. I had to run to the bathroom and collect myself. It was the single most hardest and most beautiful greeting and goodbye I have ever had. I was meeting my nephew for the first time, and in the same breathe saying goodbye.
The next day was the funeral. It was very beautiful. The flowers, the pictures, the people. I was grateful to have gone, but honestly Ava really didn't allow me to experience the funeral. Maybe she instinctibely knew that it would be hard and was trying to distract me. It wasn't until we were up at the grave site that I really felt the emotion sweep over me again. With family helping with the kids at that moment, I was really able to pray for Calvin's journey into the afterlife. And to spend some moments with God. In those moments I felt peace. I felt God reassuring me that I would see Calvin again. That I would one day get my chance to hold him when we will be reunited. And that he would love on him and care for him until then.
It's amazing to me how much my heart breaks for this little soul I didn't even really know. My heart breaks for his heart, his body, the strain he endured. My heart breaks for his mom and dad and siblings. For my family. He touched many lives even in the short days he lived. But in the midst of all this, I do feel peace knowing that he is with Jesus. Knowing that I will see will again all too soon.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
Psalm 139:13-18 NIV
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The Mommy Diairies... IDENTITY
I am reading this book with my Mothers of Preschoolers group and I thought I would share the process with my ever so few readers, as most of them are mothers or are one day going to be mothers. I believe we are all mothers at heart and always take moments when we are mothering a child, a spouse, a friend, a parent, or even a stranger. So I hope you find something in what I write, even if it is only to get to know me better.
This chapter was on identity and how many mothers struggle with who they after having children. We often put everyone before ourselves. "We celebrate our children's uniqueness with abandon, relishing each new feat of genius, every step of creative independace. We encourage them to chase their dreams, seek out ways to practice their talents and strengths, and enjoy their passions. Why is ot so hard to do the same for ourselves?" **Side note: I know their are some mothers who may not feel this way, but I feel that the large majority do. Many of the moms in my group could relate to this chapter.
At the end of the chapter filled with other mom's story on how they deal with their identity issues and how they learned to celebrate the woman they are, there are a list of questions that I will share my answers to with you. Please no judgement, I am just sharing my heart with you in hopes that you may get to know me better.
OWNING YOUR ADVENTURE:
1. WHAT SURPRIZED YOU THE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF ONCE YOU BECAME A MOTHER?
Three things surprised me. Number one was the amount of love that I had for this little sweet pea. In an instant, I would lay down my life for him and again with her. I was surprised by resilience. By the amount of sleep I actually needed. By the way my body changed to accomodate this little infant. And by my strength to endure such pain, challenges, and perseptions that came during and after child birth. And thirdly, how people, including myseld, viewed me differently.
2. DID YOU FIND PEOPLE LOOKED AT YOU DIFFERENTLY THAN BEFORE YOU A MOTHER?
Absolutely! I feel like I disappeared most of the time, and what was left was the kids. All people saw was the kids. No one saw me. Most of the time. Rarely someone would actually have a conversation with me about something other than the kids. But mostly it was about them. Which is ok to a point. I mean, I love talking about them too. They are the best kids alive no doubt :) But I am more than just my chiildren, I am a woman too. I will add that the one person who looked at me more fully, was my husband. There was a whole new level of appreciation from him. He knew I wasn't born to have babies, but rather they were a lovely addition to all our blessings as a married couple. I still feel that when he looks at me, he sees the woman behimd the mom. I am thankful for that.
3. HOW SO YOU FEEL YOU HAVE CHANGED SINCE MOTHERHOOD? HOW DO YOU FEEL YOU ARE THE SAME?
I feel like I have changed in the sense I am way less selfish. I have to be. It has become all about the children. And also my husband. Less about myself. That is ok, but I would like to learn how to find myself in there too. I am stronger since having children. More tolerant. Braver. Patient. But with myself, I have become reserved, less confident, and scared. If that makes any sense.
I feel like I am the same person under it all. I am creative, kind, compassionate, and outgoing. I love talking to others. I love learning about people, leadership, and virtually anything new. I am still that person under it all. I just don't always have the time or patience to let those qualities flow out of me.
4. ARE THERE PARTS OF YOURSELF YOU FEEL YOU'VE LOST AND YOU DEEPLY DESIRE TO REGAIN?
I have to admit that this chapter hit a chord. I have been searching probably since Kynan was born, for who I am and what my purpose is in this world. Not that having kids is not a purpose, I just don't believe that it is my soul purpose. I use to say when I was kid that I was going to change the world in some deep and meaningful way. I had no idea how. I mean, I am not an astronaut or a doctor. No major discovery will be made nor will I find some cure to some incurable disease, but I always thought it would be something. Now I look back on that and laugh thinking how nieve I was. But I would like to regain that enthusiasm. That hopefulness and drive. I find that now I am often fearful of the cost of what following my dreams would have on those around me. Financial, Emotionally, and most of all what if I failed?
5. HOW DO YOU DEFINE YOUR IDENTITY? BY YOUR KIDS? SPOUSE? CAREER?
Well, not surprising I usually identify myself first as a wife and then as a mom. Career? Ha! What career? I would like to get to the point where the first thing I think about is the fact that I am a child of God who was created specifically for a purpose. I was given specific talents and passions to help live out that purpose. But sadly I don't feel like I am there yet. If I were to be honest.
6. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU WERE CREATED WITH AMAZING POTENTIAL AND WITH GIFTS ONLY YOU CAN BRING TO THE TABLE? IF NOT, WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK FROM EMBRACING THIS TRUTH?
I do believe in this statement, it just usually is not the first thing I think about. Mostly I think because I may not reach that full potential. So what is holding me back is fear. Fear is satan's way of holding us back from who we truly are and it is sometimes really hard to shake him out of my head.
Well, there it is. Bare all. Open and honest. I will leave you with an excert from the book.
"As women wired especially to live our own lives, one-of-a-kind creations tailor made for significant impact, we owe it to ourselves and our families to fiercly protect our core identities. Our legacies flow from them, and they are what touch and move our children intimately . Cultivate who you are; seek out way to grow and to stimulate your true self. No one else can fill your role; no one else is prepared so perfectly to love your family, mother your children, live your live. You got what it takes. It's time to get going."
This chapter was on identity and how many mothers struggle with who they after having children. We often put everyone before ourselves. "We celebrate our children's uniqueness with abandon, relishing each new feat of genius, every step of creative independace. We encourage them to chase their dreams, seek out ways to practice their talents and strengths, and enjoy their passions. Why is ot so hard to do the same for ourselves?" **Side note: I know their are some mothers who may not feel this way, but I feel that the large majority do. Many of the moms in my group could relate to this chapter.
At the end of the chapter filled with other mom's story on how they deal with their identity issues and how they learned to celebrate the woman they are, there are a list of questions that I will share my answers to with you. Please no judgement, I am just sharing my heart with you in hopes that you may get to know me better.
OWNING YOUR ADVENTURE:
1. WHAT SURPRIZED YOU THE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF ONCE YOU BECAME A MOTHER?
Three things surprised me. Number one was the amount of love that I had for this little sweet pea. In an instant, I would lay down my life for him and again with her. I was surprised by resilience. By the amount of sleep I actually needed. By the way my body changed to accomodate this little infant. And by my strength to endure such pain, challenges, and perseptions that came during and after child birth. And thirdly, how people, including myseld, viewed me differently.
2. DID YOU FIND PEOPLE LOOKED AT YOU DIFFERENTLY THAN BEFORE YOU A MOTHER?
Absolutely! I feel like I disappeared most of the time, and what was left was the kids. All people saw was the kids. No one saw me. Most of the time. Rarely someone would actually have a conversation with me about something other than the kids. But mostly it was about them. Which is ok to a point. I mean, I love talking about them too. They are the best kids alive no doubt :) But I am more than just my chiildren, I am a woman too. I will add that the one person who looked at me more fully, was my husband. There was a whole new level of appreciation from him. He knew I wasn't born to have babies, but rather they were a lovely addition to all our blessings as a married couple. I still feel that when he looks at me, he sees the woman behimd the mom. I am thankful for that.
3. HOW SO YOU FEEL YOU HAVE CHANGED SINCE MOTHERHOOD? HOW DO YOU FEEL YOU ARE THE SAME?
I feel like I have changed in the sense I am way less selfish. I have to be. It has become all about the children. And also my husband. Less about myself. That is ok, but I would like to learn how to find myself in there too. I am stronger since having children. More tolerant. Braver. Patient. But with myself, I have become reserved, less confident, and scared. If that makes any sense.
I feel like I am the same person under it all. I am creative, kind, compassionate, and outgoing. I love talking to others. I love learning about people, leadership, and virtually anything new. I am still that person under it all. I just don't always have the time or patience to let those qualities flow out of me.
4. ARE THERE PARTS OF YOURSELF YOU FEEL YOU'VE LOST AND YOU DEEPLY DESIRE TO REGAIN?
I have to admit that this chapter hit a chord. I have been searching probably since Kynan was born, for who I am and what my purpose is in this world. Not that having kids is not a purpose, I just don't believe that it is my soul purpose. I use to say when I was kid that I was going to change the world in some deep and meaningful way. I had no idea how. I mean, I am not an astronaut or a doctor. No major discovery will be made nor will I find some cure to some incurable disease, but I always thought it would be something. Now I look back on that and laugh thinking how nieve I was. But I would like to regain that enthusiasm. That hopefulness and drive. I find that now I am often fearful of the cost of what following my dreams would have on those around me. Financial, Emotionally, and most of all what if I failed?
5. HOW DO YOU DEFINE YOUR IDENTITY? BY YOUR KIDS? SPOUSE? CAREER?
Well, not surprising I usually identify myself first as a wife and then as a mom. Career? Ha! What career? I would like to get to the point where the first thing I think about is the fact that I am a child of God who was created specifically for a purpose. I was given specific talents and passions to help live out that purpose. But sadly I don't feel like I am there yet. If I were to be honest.
6. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU WERE CREATED WITH AMAZING POTENTIAL AND WITH GIFTS ONLY YOU CAN BRING TO THE TABLE? IF NOT, WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK FROM EMBRACING THIS TRUTH?
I do believe in this statement, it just usually is not the first thing I think about. Mostly I think because I may not reach that full potential. So what is holding me back is fear. Fear is satan's way of holding us back from who we truly are and it is sometimes really hard to shake him out of my head.
Well, there it is. Bare all. Open and honest. I will leave you with an excert from the book.
"As women wired especially to live our own lives, one-of-a-kind creations tailor made for significant impact, we owe it to ourselves and our families to fiercly protect our core identities. Our legacies flow from them, and they are what touch and move our children intimately . Cultivate who you are; seek out way to grow and to stimulate your true self. No one else can fill your role; no one else is prepared so perfectly to love your family, mother your children, live your live. You got what it takes. It's time to get going."
Monday, November 24, 2008
Please Untie the Knots
I am in Summerland right now with my family as we prepare for Calvin's funeral. This has been a bittersweet time. Obviously I wish my visit was under different circumstances, but it still is nice to see my family- especially my new neice Georgia. She is perfect in everyway.
However, this experience of coming back and grieving with my family has been very hard. I don't think my stomach has untied since arriving and my eyes are red from crying so much. I am thankful for the family and friends who has been so supportive, but there has still been some unneccessary stress since arriving. Making this experience even more difficult than it has to be.
I really just wish that this feeling in my stomach would go away and that I would feel at least calm. Maybe not happy right now, but calm.
I miss Dana so much and really wish he was here. He truly seems to be the one person who knows just what to say to bring me back down. I try and imagine his hand on my chest, hugging me, but he seems so far away. I can't wait to return home.
Please continue praying for my family, especially Shane and Margaret. As we near Calvin's funeral I am sure things will be especially hard. Nothing can describe this pain, and I am not the parent of this lost child. I cannot imagine how they must be feeling. Thank you for you prayers and support, you know who you are, and God bless.
However, this experience of coming back and grieving with my family has been very hard. I don't think my stomach has untied since arriving and my eyes are red from crying so much. I am thankful for the family and friends who has been so supportive, but there has still been some unneccessary stress since arriving. Making this experience even more difficult than it has to be.
I really just wish that this feeling in my stomach would go away and that I would feel at least calm. Maybe not happy right now, but calm.
I miss Dana so much and really wish he was here. He truly seems to be the one person who knows just what to say to bring me back down. I try and imagine his hand on my chest, hugging me, but he seems so far away. I can't wait to return home.
Please continue praying for my family, especially Shane and Margaret. As we near Calvin's funeral I am sure things will be especially hard. Nothing can describe this pain, and I am not the parent of this lost child. I cannot imagine how they must be feeling. Thank you for you prayers and support, you know who you are, and God bless.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Little Miracles...
This week I am reminded that our lives our filled with little miracles. My little nephew, Calvin, reminds me of this through his strength and endurance. He had a 12 hour surgery, survived, and has a much better prognoses than expected. He is on life support right now; however, he is on the road to recovery. Every day he fights back and lives is a little God given miracle. We are so thankful. Because we can't be with my new little nephew and niece, we are looking at our kids and trying to love on them extra this week. Celebrating the miracles they are in our lives.
Ava's new scary eyes look. Kynan use to do this a ton when he was little and it was so funny when Ava pulled this one out of her pocket.
Ava sure loves her strawberries, and yes she put them on her finger tips. So cute!
Kynan took this picture of Dana. Is my husband weird or what?!!?
My new hair style! I have never been one for bangs, but I took the leap and I love it!
Other than the obvious pending unknown with little Calvin, we are doing fine. Today we are hoping to have a fun family day with the kidlets and just enjoy being together.
We hope you take time to enjoy the little miracles in your life. Have a happy weekend!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I'm an Auntie.... Again!
A few days ago my brother's wife, Margaret, gave birth to two beautiful twins (at least I think they are beautiful- I actually haven't seen them). The girl was 7 lbs. 10 oz. and is named Georgia Lee Mayer. The boy was 6 lbs. 13 oz. and is named Calvin Zachary. I am so proud of my sister-in-law. She apparently did very well and and is in recovery. Georgia is doing well too, and trying to nurse. Calvin, is the one with the heart defect. He is doing better than expected, but still will be going into heart surgery tomorrow. They need to fix a hole and a flap. He is getting the best care he can and I am confident he will pull through. But, if all you praying types out there wouldn't mind sending a message to the big man upstairs on Calvin's behalf we would be so grateful.
Shane and Margaret, I wish I could be there to love on you and all three of your babies. Please know I am thinking about you all the time and you have been in my prayers constantly. I can't wait to see you again, whenever that will be.
xoxoxoxox
Shane and Margaret, I wish I could be there to love on you and all three of your babies. Please know I am thinking about you all the time and you have been in my prayers constantly. I can't wait to see you again, whenever that will be.
xoxoxoxox
Saturday, November 8, 2008
If I could get all whimsy on all of you for a second and ask, what if we could go back? Or know what was in our futures after making a choice? Or what if we could take away road blocks or setbacks in our lives? Would our lives be easier? Would be better off?
Dana and I have made many life changing decisions this year, and one MAJOR one in the last few months. While we remain ecstatic and faithful of our decision to move back to the prairies, we wonder if only we could go back and redo some other decisions. Like buying our lot. Which, with the fall of the economy, we are unable to sell and paying big time for. My inlaws are in a similar situation and I was talking to my mother-in-law about it on the phone. Our feelings. We chuckled and said if only we could go back moments before making that decision. I try to remain calm, patient, and most important to us... faithful in all of this, but the truth is I am scared. Scared the lot won't sell. Scared that if it does sell, it will still cost us a pretty penny. Scared of what that might mean for us. I know my mother-in-law expressed her own concern, mostly remorse. However, having said this, these are all very common, very justified, and human emotions. But our goal is not to stop there, but to reach beyond. Our goal as Christians is to become more like Christ, right? Well, what is Christ? Humble, check. Patient, check. Faithful, check. And so much more.... I love the example that God is the potter and we are the clay. As we go through struggle and hardship in our lives, he adds curves, shape and ultimately a unique character. It is our choice to build ourselves up and fill ourselves with neccessary tools to survive these struggles. For me, right now, I need patience (for sure!), contentness, courage and faithfilness. Without these characteristics I would surely crumble under the pressure. If we can withstand the pressure that his thumb brings then once he is finished we can become a beautiful masterpiece. I don't know about you, but I want to become that masterpiece! I just need to pray a little harder for patience and faithfulness and focus more on others than on myself.
PS: If you know of anyone interested in buying land (or a very cute house for that matter) in Summerland, let me know. I will hook you up!
Have a great weekend!
Dana and I have made many life changing decisions this year, and one MAJOR one in the last few months. While we remain ecstatic and faithful of our decision to move back to the prairies, we wonder if only we could go back and redo some other decisions. Like buying our lot. Which, with the fall of the economy, we are unable to sell and paying big time for. My inlaws are in a similar situation and I was talking to my mother-in-law about it on the phone. Our feelings. We chuckled and said if only we could go back moments before making that decision. I try to remain calm, patient, and most important to us... faithful in all of this, but the truth is I am scared. Scared the lot won't sell. Scared that if it does sell, it will still cost us a pretty penny. Scared of what that might mean for us. I know my mother-in-law expressed her own concern, mostly remorse. However, having said this, these are all very common, very justified, and human emotions. But our goal is not to stop there, but to reach beyond. Our goal as Christians is to become more like Christ, right? Well, what is Christ? Humble, check. Patient, check. Faithful, check. And so much more.... I love the example that God is the potter and we are the clay. As we go through struggle and hardship in our lives, he adds curves, shape and ultimately a unique character. It is our choice to build ourselves up and fill ourselves with neccessary tools to survive these struggles. For me, right now, I need patience (for sure!), contentness, courage and faithfilness. Without these characteristics I would surely crumble under the pressure. If we can withstand the pressure that his thumb brings then once he is finished we can become a beautiful masterpiece. I don't know about you, but I want to become that masterpiece! I just need to pray a little harder for patience and faithfulness and focus more on others than on myself.
PS: If you know of anyone interested in buying land (or a very cute house for that matter) in Summerland, let me know. I will hook you up!
Have a great weekend!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Finally...
I'm sorry I took so long uploading some pictures for you. But finally we have some so let's go over the update. Above is Ava modeling her new jewelery from Baba. Thanks Baba! Ava especially loves the earrings.
Before we went in for Thanksgiving feast, the streets was clear and it was a warm fall evening. Then, at about 10pm, we walked to this! Crazy!
The next day we decided to take advantage before all the snow melted. We had fun with the kids and found out that Ava loves the snow.
Below the kids are warming up in the tub. My mom has dozen of these kind of pictures of us when we were little so I am always trying to snap some good tub pictures.
The picture above is actually taken by Kynan. He is loving playing with our little camera and there are usually over two dozen pictures of his when we upload. I love it though. Kynan really captured a moment.
One evening, Ava surprised us when we couldn't find her and finally heard her slurping away in the shoe closet. This girl REALLY loves shoes.
Happy Halloween! I want to suck your blood! Kynan went as spooky dracula. And Ava went as a warm, cuddly lion. Early that day she went as a pretty princess. She got more into the lion character with her pretty princess but both times she was simply adorable. It was a beautiful night and we had a blast.
thanks for you patience. hopefully next time you won't have to wait so long!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Have you met my friend .... Ralph?!?!?!?
My mom will hate that I used this as my title being that my late Grandpa's name is Ralph, but it just seemed to fit what our family has been feeling lately.
All day yesterday I felt nauseous and achy, but we wanted to have a fun filled day with the kids. So we ventured to Walmart and let them fill up an Operation Christmas Child box. We did one boy and one girl. Dana was extra generous, which was odd to me as he usually has very tight strings to his wallet. We did a Cars theme to the boys box of course, filling it with matchbox cars, a monster truck, a colouring book, crayons, facecloth, soap, toothbrush, comb, and even shorts and Tshirt. The girls one was filled with a barbie, carebear, an outfit, hair elastics, and the same as the boys essentials. Then we went to Chillies for lunch (our new favorite resturant). Dana had a full slab of ribs, and I had a caesar salad. I think I ate half before I ran to the bathroom. Dana smiled at me and said "Thanks for toughing it out, but let's go home and get you better." So we went home and I crashed for 4 hours, getting up randomly to go.... well... ralph. Last night was the toughest though. I was up sick, then Kynan started.... I am so thankful that Ava and Dana seem to be bypassing this bug.
Today, my stomach is still doing flips and flops and I am lying comatose on the couch while Dana is out with the kids. I am so thankful for Dana. He has been so loving. Making me tea, soup, rubbing my feet, my back, drawing me baths, and the biggest favor of all... looking after the children. Kynan shows no sign of sickness today which gives me hope that soon I may be on the mend.
So until later....
All day yesterday I felt nauseous and achy, but we wanted to have a fun filled day with the kids. So we ventured to Walmart and let them fill up an Operation Christmas Child box. We did one boy and one girl. Dana was extra generous, which was odd to me as he usually has very tight strings to his wallet. We did a Cars theme to the boys box of course, filling it with matchbox cars, a monster truck, a colouring book, crayons, facecloth, soap, toothbrush, comb, and even shorts and Tshirt. The girls one was filled with a barbie, carebear, an outfit, hair elastics, and the same as the boys essentials. Then we went to Chillies for lunch (our new favorite resturant). Dana had a full slab of ribs, and I had a caesar salad. I think I ate half before I ran to the bathroom. Dana smiled at me and said "Thanks for toughing it out, but let's go home and get you better." So we went home and I crashed for 4 hours, getting up randomly to go.... well... ralph. Last night was the toughest though. I was up sick, then Kynan started.... I am so thankful that Ava and Dana seem to be bypassing this bug.
Today, my stomach is still doing flips and flops and I am lying comatose on the couch while Dana is out with the kids. I am so thankful for Dana. He has been so loving. Making me tea, soup, rubbing my feet, my back, drawing me baths, and the biggest favor of all... looking after the children. Kynan shows no sign of sickness today which gives me hope that soon I may be on the mend.
So until later....
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