I could post some pictures, or talk about so many other wonderful things, but I believe in being honest and that is not what I am feeling at this moment. I want to speak truth into this blog. For weeks, possibly months, I have been trying to be "optomistic" and "positive" about our move back "home", but the truth is I miss Regina DAILY. It has been so hard coming back and feel like I have lost myself.
The truth be known, Dana and I prayed a lot before moving back to Summerland and we asked a lot of people whether we should move back or not. We read scripture, did Bible Studies, had many conversations, made pro and con lists. We did everything we could to make the right, and informed, choice. When the day came to decide, move or stay, we had decided to stay. The night before I had a powerful talk with a friend and was truly convicted that we should stay. Call it intuition, call it a gut feeling, but I thought it was God. Sounds "religious", but that is truly what I felt. I told Dana about it and he said he agreed. He said he thought that all week, but he didn't want to disappoint me thinking I wanted to move back. We went to sleep that night at peace, a little afraid about the future (there were still a few uncertainties in Regina too), but we felt we made the right decision.
In the morning, friends from Regina were calling to find out the news. I was excited to say we were staying. As the day went on, I talked to more and more people- from Regina and Summerland,- and felt more and more unsure if we made the right choice. I kept second guessing. I felt sick inside, thinking how can we possibly make this choice. I called Dana, crying, asking him if we made the wrong choice. He felt sick about it too, but said it is just the unknown we were afraid of and to have faith. But then in the days to come, we kept thinking of so many reasons to move back. Good reasons: family, grandparents, job, new car, new house, ect.... All great reasons. But I truly don't feel like they were any God reasons. And since we have moved back, I feel like we made the wrong choice. Again, not because of the people or our situation, but because of our faith. We love being close to family again, being able to see them all almost daily, to be apart of their exciting events, loving them, talking to them, spending time, but something is missing.
For those of you who have been reading my blog, you know that my faith has become extremely important to me. It is the MOST important thing. I truly believe that we went against God's calling for our lives. There, I said it. I believe God was calling us to stay in Regina and we chose not to and because of that, I feel sad, I feel like I failed, and I feel lost. Not that God abandons us. He never will leave, Dana and I, or any of you. He is always with us. He loves us. Like a father loves his child. I do think he is disappointed in us. I wonder what would have happened had we stayed. Dana and I joke around daily about moving back to the prairies. Wouldn't that just throw everyone. But they are only jokes. We are committed to Summerland now. I know God will continue to bless us, because we seek Him and we seek to learn from our mistakes. We want God to give our mistakes purpose. Great things come from mistakes.
This is how I am feeling. A mixture of emotions. Like wind, some quickly come and then go again. They hug you, they whirl around you, make you feel frightened, freed, embraced and exposed all at the same time. Some days are up and some days are down. I trust in God to bring purpose to it all, to heal Dana and I, and to open our hearts to His plans for us. Because ultimately, that is what this journey is for.
8 comments:
Susie, I'm hurting for you. What a hard admission to make. I know that God will continue to bless you as you strive to live for and to serve Him. Sending you prayers...
Aw Susie. :( Jordan and I felt the same way. We felt like we made the wrong decision and for the wrong reasons when we left Summerland. We felt SO peaceful moving out there and felt so unsettled moving back to Regina. But things turned out just fine and they will for you too!
And darn it! I wish I would have told you what I thought when you were still here. I just knew what it was like to have opinions coming at you from all directions. Since you never came right out and asked, I never felt it my place to say. I expressed my concerns to Jordan and predicted that you'd feel as you do now.
I really believe that everything happens for a reason. Great things are in store for you guys in Summerland! No doubt about that.
Sending a big ol' virtual hug your way.
I found this online and thought it was quite informative for everyone. Because one time or another we find ourselves hurting. Hope it helps. Hugs, sent your way. See you this weekend!
By Jeff Herring
Are you familiar with the phrase "Time heals all wounds?" This is one I often hear people say as they try to brush aside traumas and hurts in their lives.
But it is one of the most destructive cliches, simply because it sounds so close to the truth that it is difficult to spot the big lie here.
At risk of sounding too philosophical, time is an artificial structure that we have created, much like state or country lines. (Have you ever seen a state line? I used to look for them on the ground when I was a kid.)
What I say to clients when they say "time heals all wounds" is that time doesn't heal anything, time simply passes. It is what we do with our lives while time is passing that either helps us, heals us or keeps us stuck.
In my work over the years, I have noticed that some people seem to have an ability to accept the hurts and disappointments of life and then move on. They have a certain resiliency.
Others seem to stay stuck in their pain, living as if the painful events of their lives had occurred just moments ago.
As I sought to understand the strategies of these different types of people, some interesting differences made themselves clear.
What follows are lists of strategies for how to remain miserable and then strategies for how to heal, move on, and thrive.
How to stay miserable
• Complain about the unfairness of it all. ("This should not have happened" - "How could anyone do such a thing?")
• Organize your life around the event, trauma or injustice. Make it a central theme in your life. Talk about nothing else. Bore your friends.
• Remain bitter and unforgiving. A wise friend of mine once said, "Not forgiving someone is much like trying to crush a sandspur between your fingers. You might eventually do it, but it sure is going to hurt."
• Become a victim. Give up your power to take responsibility and control over your own life.
• Play the scene over and over in your mind. Keep thinking of what you should have done or what you should have said.
How to movz on, heal and thrive
• Talk about it. Many of us mistakenly believe that if we keep it inside it won't bother us. Quite the opposite is true. Remember the character -Tom Wingo in "Prince of Tides" and the damage done by not talking about the trauma that had happened in his family? Many times, getting it. out in the open can make it manageable.
• Forgive those involved. Forgiving does not condone what someone else did, it simply releases us from the pain of their actions.
• Most importantly, follow this favorite advice of mine:
"Make a place for the event in your life and then put it in its place."
It's important to remember that it did happen and it did affect you. At the same time, its place is in the past, much like a chapter in a book you have read and choose not to read again.
• If you find yourself wanting to but unable to follow these suggestions, you may want to get professional help putting the past behind you.
I think it's easy to sit a blame here and blame there and feel at fault or like you've failed. But at some point in time you need to be strong in your decision. Stand tall with what you and Dana stand for and where you're at.
First off you guys aren't in your own place, with your own stuff. You are doing things diet wise that play with your body, that play with your emotions. It could be where you are in your cycle. It all plays a factor.
I think it's normal to feel doubts about every choice and decision.
Hopefully peace will blow your way soon.
That is soooo tough Suzie. So hard. You already know this but God is indeed bigger than our mistakes and loves you and Dana regardless.
I also believe everything happens for a reason. It's also very easy to be swayed by emotions and fears. I honestly don't think it matters where we are as long as we serve God and give him the glory wherever we are. Here or Regina, or Lethbridge.
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind concieved what God has prepared for those who love Him"
1Cor 2:9
Hang in there Susie. One day you'll be able to look back and see the big picture.
Sending "hugs"! I agree with what the others have said...God is in control and He has great plans for you and Dana. Keep your eyes on God...keep trusting Him. Mike and I are praying for you guys.
Love you!
Susie I would love for say move back and move back now but that is just me being selfish because I miss you so. I know we talked lots before you move and I can't say you made the right decision or not that is between you and God but I can say Susie we all make mistake and we can not let it hold us back from the future. I hate to hear that you are losing your self Susie you are an amazing women and you really need to spend time to find yourself again. Remember Susie what I said before you left. Find your self in God and he will work it all out.
AWWW....WHAT a great photo here!!
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