Covered Path

I know it has been a while since I have posted, and I hope you all have had a blessed Christmas filled with love and laughter. We sure did, but as always, the season zoomed by too fast! I can't believe it has been almost 2 months since my last post and so much has happened in our lives since then.

Early December, Dana surprised me with my first Christmas gift. He marked on the calendar, "Do not book anything" over three days and then hinted towards a trip away. All I had asked for Christmas was a romantic getaway so that we could recharge and spend time alone together, so I was super excited. I was a little shocked, to say the least, when his surprise did not involve sand of any kind, no plane, not even him. WHAT?!?! Dana, being the wise man that he is, planned a retreat for just me at a local retreat center for me to pray and spend time with God. Some people dream of a chance like this, but I definitely did not. Well, not this time anyway. Dana shoved (my interpretation anyway) me into a cinder block room with nothing, but a small suitcase and a kick good bye kiss. As he ran out of the room, he said that there was instructions in the bag. And there I stood, for the first time in what seems an eternity, alone.

Now, for those that know me, and Dana is no exception, know that I LOVE being around people. I am a proud extrovert, am energized from being around people, and just love to be busy. Period. I am also a mom of three very active kids and there is not alot of alone time or quiet time in my home. So this concept of "alone and quiet time for ME" is a little foreign. At first I was so upset that I literally cried for an hour straight. I kept imagining in my head where I could be, what I could be doing, and when my imagination would bring Dana into the picture I would wail harder. I am sure that my sobbing was echoing through the silent hallways of the retreat center. It is extremely silent out there. You could probably hear a pin drop clear across the building. After an hour, and my faucet had dried out, sadness and disappointment was replaced with anger. Let me pause for a moment and say, I know some of you might be thinking she is being a little dramatic or what a thoughtful thing your husband did, how selfish are you to be responding this way. I know and I felt awful after, but please try and put yourself in my shoes. For months I had dreamed about a relaxing, romantic, tropical trip, down to putting a palm tree as my screen on my phone. So this, a retreat center in the middle of a snow covered prairie, was not exactly what I was expecting. Okay, so now back to my anger. I was ready to call up Dana and say "You take the weekend! Come pick me up and I will look after the kids while you spend the weekend in solitude. This is your dream retreat, NOT MINE!" But, I also knew, from the bottom of my heart, that Dana did this out of love and respect for me. He felt THIS is what I needed, not some expensive holiday filled with further distraction. So after talking to a dear a friend, who edified my own thoughts, I chose to embrace the situation, and really seek out why God had led Dana to such a decision. I am so glad I did.

After talking with my friend, I hung up the phone feeling exhausted. So, I went back to my room, jacked up the heat, and crawled into bed. I must have been tired because I slept for a solid three hours only awakening to the smell of dinner down the hall. I went to the dining hall, sat alone, ate alone, awkwardly watching the other people (who were there as a study group from a church). They smiled at me and I smiled at them, quickly finished supper and left the awkwardness as soon as possible. I spent the evening wondering the halls and admiring all the artwork. The building was filled with amazing pieces from local artists. The retreat center had a right up about all their outdoor features; which included, a prayer walk, paths, and a labyrinth. I was in way trying to figure out what I was going to do the next day too, so I made a small plan to do all the outdoor stuff the following day. I spent most the night reading my Bible and a book I had found in the retreat center's basement sale (an indoor garage sale that helps raise funds for the center and their various events). The next morning came and I felt exhausted (didn't sleep much the night before), and full of confusion. Why did God speak to Dana and tell him here? What was I suppose to get out of all this? I was tired and mad, and bundled up to go out into the prairie winter which I was also not thrilled about.

I started with the prayer walk, which actually was great. I could hear the quietness of nature and the peace that filled me when I read the prayers aloud felt comforting and reassuring. I looked up the hill to where the labyrinth was suppose to be and just saw more snow, but thought I may as well. So I hiked up to entrance of the labyrinth. Okay, so you need to know that the night before I read that a labyrinth is like a spiritual pilgrimage. You walk into the center of the labyrinth relenting your hear to to God, unburdening your hear to him with all your stresses, questions, thoughts. Once you get to the center you silence yourself, and walk out listening to God. Emptying you mind and truly listen to what God will speak to you. Worth a shot, right? So I attempt to walk through this labyrinth, the whole time just relenting about our future. What are we doing here? Where are we going? Why hasn't are lot sold? What is my purpose? And so and so on. I finally made it to the middle and I am not sure how. The labyrinth had been laid out by stones which were all covered in snow. There were some footprints, but they seemed not to lead me in the right direction. Okay, so I had relented my heart to God, now it was time to clear my mind and quiet my thoughts and listen to what God had to say. I was so excited and filled with anticipation as I waited for God to bestow a sense of piece and purpose on my life. I started walking, nothing. The more I walked out of the labyrinth, the less peace I felt and more frustration rose in me. I couldn't even find my way out of this stupid labyrinth. How on earth am I suppose to hear God speaking to me when I can't even get this part right?!?!? I finally just jumped out of the chaos and gave up. I was so mad and more frustrated than I felt the entire weekend. What the heck! I thought this was suppose to be a weekend of enlightenment and give me sense of purpose and direction. I closed me eyes and lifted my hands up to the sky and yelled at God. My yelling turned to more of crying out. "Show me the light, God. Please, just show me your light!" And what happened next was both amazing and weird.

As I kept repeating, "Show me the light", all these thoughts that Dana and I have been struggling with came into my mind. School, our lot, direction, waiting, ect ect ect. For those that don't know me well, may not know what these things mean, but please just stay with me. My eyes were closed, my arms lifted up, and suddenly, like a sun peeping out from behind a cloud, a light started to increase in my mind's eye. I quickly opened my eyes to see if that was what was happening, but there was no sun. Just the cloudy day I had been in before. When I closed my eyes again, though, the light was intense. It was so bright, a bright red and orange, beautiful. And so clearly I felt God speaking to my heart. I felt him filling me with a sense of peace and joy. And then he spoke to me saying that my path is much like the labyrinth I just tried to walk. There is a clear path in which I can choose to take. It has been laid out for me, and has been thoughtfully put together. But, much like the path of the labyrinth it may be unclear or covered in snow. But to be assured that spring is coming and all will be revealed. Path. Direction. Dana. Lot. All these words repeated in my mind over and over. And then as suddenly as it had started it stopped and all that was left was a sense of peace and clarity.

I truly believe that God spoke to me that day and gave me a gift of peace as to what is going to come. The biggest thing I felt that day though, was that there was always a path laid out. God has had this plan all along. He was just waiting for me to choose it. And so, I feel like we have made the choice to finally start listening to God's promptings. The story does continue, there is still so much more to tell. But I will leave you here today. Partly because I want you to come back and visit my blog again and partly because my kids have been left to fend for themselves for long enough and it's time for me to go back to being a mom.

God bless you, and may you listen to what God is prompting you.