W.O.W.

Wow is right. I didn't quite think I was going to get that response, but cool. I like to know what people think and think it's important to have a voice and use it. I have to clarify that I did say toying with the idea. We are definately not committed to anything and more so unsure about moving than about staying. Having said that, the next few weeks will be spent in prayer while we ponder this major life decision so I will be taking a bit of a sabbatical. I love my blog and being able to share what is going in my mind. It feels good to release it; however, I don't want to hurt anyone bu building something up and then letting them down or vise versa. So please keep us in your prayers that God will shine a light on our path. Until then... I will miss you.

Twisted, Excited, sad.... What to Feel???

So I have to be honest with this post, and may excite and upset a few people. Dana and I have been toying with the idea of possibly......... moving back to Summerland. Now before anyone jumps for joy or bursts into tears, I did say maybe.

There are so many things to consider, from everything back home to everything here. We moved out here with the intention of giving it a shot, but also with an open mind that it may not work for us. I cried alot when we first moved and missed my entire family muchly. I think I asked Dana a million times a week, 'Why did we move?', with my puppy dog eyes mounded with tears. It was hard on Dana, but he always reassured me that when I made some friends, things would change. And they did. I have met some truly beautiful people who I already feel very close to. Who have made an effort to get to know me and spend time with me and my two children. We have found an amazing church family and feel like our talents are being utilized there. I actually was asked to do a monologue for the church, which is exciting and funny because I am not an actor, but I LOVE public speaking- so it should be good. And Dana is helping with some rewiring stuff. So again, talents being used. BUT then..... I think about home. And Summerland will always be my home. I grew up there in the same house walking the same streets from the time I was born to the time I was 24 (minus the few years I was in Kelowna). My heart really is in Summerland. Always has been. Not to mention all of our family, friends, great jobs, and opportunity was there. But expensive. Very expensive.

On top of everything, I have no idea where God wants us to go. A part of me thinks that we need to stay here and see where it leads and the other part of me thinks that God is pushing us back to Summerland.

So all in all, I feel twisted, excited and sad today. If you are a Christian, please pray that God will guide our hearts as to what road to take. If you are not, please send your positive thoughts...... arrrgghhh....... don't you hate decision making???

Yesterday I Cried

Yesterday,, Dana and I decided to take some well needed time for ourselves, hired a babysitter, and went on a date. We used one of the gift certificates we got for Christmas (I love food gc's) and went for dinner at a local resturant, Bacados. It was very yummy. I have been trying to watch my diet by eating no chocolate, nothing caffeniated, and absolutely no dairy (I always pay for it later). So far I have been doing pretty good. I had salmon with rice and steamed veggies, with water to drink. I even skipped dessert and for those of you who know me, know that that is a HUGE deal. Anyways, Dana recommended a movie after and we usually always go to an action one as we find those are the most worth while to see in the theatre, but yesterday Dana was feeling generous and decided to take me to Hilary Swank's new movie "PS. I Love You". It was a touching story about a woman who lost her Irish husband to a brain tumor, how she grieves and eventually falls in love again. There were several points where I was balling, the scene where she was packing up all his stuff, the scene where she remembers the first time they met, the kareoke scene.... actually I think there were tears in my eyes for most of the movie. I even looked over to Dana to see a few tears periodically. I think the reason why it affected me so much is that it put things into perspective. Our little fights, the little ways I disrepect Dana, the little things that I make into big things, just everything. I walked away from that movie not wanting to let go of this man I love in fear that one day I may have to live without him. How would I even breath without him? Is that even possible? Needless to say I was pretty emotional, and feeling very 'in love' with Dana for the rest of the night. I love movies like that, that make us feel. Make us grow. Make us laugh or cry. Think about our existance. Brings humanity back into our lives. I asked Dana what he thought of the movie, thinking that he would be sharing these whimsical feelings I am having. I looked at him and there were some tears rolling down his cheek. Me, thinking he was thinking how precious I was to him, reached over and brushed them away. He looked at me and said, "It made me think of my mom, and I really miss her." ...... Urrrrrccccch! What??? Your mother???? Now, don't get me wrong, I think it is very sweet that he admitted this because the last few months has been really hard on him and I think he has been denying himself how much he misses his mom and so it is good that he is finally verbalizing it. And I am sure when Carleen reads this she will cry too and feel touched to know this (and also know that it has been hard on everyone), but I have to admit I was feeling a little 'jipped'! Here I was, having all these whimsical thoughts about Dana and he wasn't even thinking of me. But, again, that is life. Unpredictable. Everyone reads movies, experiences, differently. And every emotion prevoked is valid. We spent the entire drive home talking about what we missed about 'home' and why. It has actually been discussed even since then what our goals are. Anyway, points I wanted to convey" 1. Good Movie 2. We miss family 3. Love movies that make us pervoke emotion.

In other big news, Ava is crawling!!!! Army crawling, but crawling no less. And she is motoring. I guess I have to keep the carpet clean as she is picking little crumbs up everywhere (and I thought I was a good housekeeper), but it is amazing what babies can find on a perfectly spotless floor. So yay Ava!!!

A Little Bit of Bliss

I know when most mom's write about bliss it is about something their darling babies wrote about or maybe some romantic gesture their husband gave, but I want to tell you about my meeting with Pastor Rob from my church. You see ever since we moved here, I have had this feeling that God is almost ready to unveil something great. Like we are 'standing on the edge of greatness' while God prepares our hearts before we are able to leap in. I have been contemplating whether or not I should pursue a lifelong dream of mine, motivational speaking, but with kids and a husband in the mix I have always tended to put their dreams before my own. But then the other day, Dana told me why can't I do both? I thought about it, and thought, why can't I do both? So, I made a meeting with our pastor because I have been having this 'feeling' that we should meet and just talk. I was thinking of volunteering with the youth group, maybe starting a girls program through the church. While meeting with him, he said he was excited that I would be willing to do some administrative duties and/or PR stuff, he said he was excited that I was wanting to start a program for young girls, but the one that got my blood pumping is that he was excited that I was willing to do some public speaking. What? Did he just say public speaking? COuld God be answering a prayer? Or maybe even just setting me on the right path? Now I don't want to get overly excited, it could just be coiencidence, but I deffinately feel God working in our lives, especially mine and I can't help but be excited. So if you believe in the power of prayer, please pray for me and my dream. Thanks

And just to add something about the kids for good measure. While we were meeting with Rob, Kynan looked up at him and said 'I love Jesus'. It brought tears to my eyes. Then right after he said 'Jesus is my homeboy'. Can you guess where he got that one from? ***cough** Dana **

Off the Wagon so soon...

Recently I have been trying weight watchers to lose some of my maternity weight.... well.... my everything weight. As long as I can remember I have been self conscience about my body image. I have always been a bigger girl. Bigger thighs, bigger hips, bigger boobs.... bigger everything. It's not like I didn't work out in high school. I was on 3 soccer teams in the spring, summer and fall. And curled in the winter. Not to mention was always doing something on my feet. I have always huvered around 120 lbs. Then I went away one summer to a leadership came for 4 weeks. in that 4 weeks I gained 20 lbs. So now I am in grade 11 at 140 lbs. with most of my friends being 115 lbs. Not fun. Then after high school I got a desk job and gained and gained. Got pregnant and gained more... way more. I was well over the 200 lbs mark with both my pregnancy. Now I wish I weighed 160 lbs. Everyday, I am reminded of how over weight I am by my closet. The only thing to fit me is my maternity clothes. I tried squeezing into a pair of jeans that I wore when I was 4 months pregnant with Kynan..... still too tight. Jeans I wore just last year. Too tight. Pants from before Kynan... way too tight. All my shirts are either too tight, too stretched out, have stains from two babies who love to puke, or simply out of fashion. I have one sweater that fits and it is hidious. It is -26 degrees out right now and I still don't have a winter jacket that fits properly. I know this sounds depressing, but it is the pit of many of thoughts during the day. I beat myself up alot about it, but on the flip side- I have two beautiful babies who smile at me and love me unconditionally. I have a husband who seemingly doesn't notice I have gained over 100 lbs since we've met and only mentions it when I am complaining about it. I know one of these days I have to buckle down and deal with my weight, if not for myself then for those three important people. But someone please tell me how...... how do I face my inner demons. The inner food voices. The uncontrolable urges. I need to know your secrets.

Today I Missed This...

This picture was taken a week after Ava was born at the research station in Summerland. I was taking pictures for the Summerland Royalty and got to snap this.... I love this photo.

I was driving to pick up a girlfriend today to go shopping with the kids, and the radio gave the report for the current weather. It was -18 degrees celcius...... -28 with the wind chill. Yikez! And Reginians say that this isn't even cold. January is their real winter. But they say today was a perfect day to get locked out of your car... or should I say van... and 'they' didn't say that, but that is what happened to me. Yup. I'm an idiot. Good thing Tiff was with me and was able to manage the kidlets while FREAKED out and got to call a tow truck. But I have to say that I am proud of myself. Not because I locked myself out of my van (did I mention I'm an idiot), but because despite that pretty stressful experience, I still came home and shovelled the walk for Dana. That's right folks.... I am woman of the year. Or at least half of the year because I got half way done before I felt like I was going to lose my hands to frost bite and went running inside... throwing the shovel in the nearest snowbank. But still, I bask in my glory!

Grateful For....

Dana and all oh his wonderfulness.
Kynan and his quirky personality and unconditional love.
Ava and the sweetness she brings to our lives... even sleepless nights.
All of our family who may not live down the street anymore, but are still very much apart of our lives.
Our home... undone as it is, it is slowly unfolding a charming little nest
MOPS... like I said before it has been a God sent
Conversations with old and new friends
Hearing your children laugh and play
Even sometimes hearing that reassuring cry
A vehicle that is my freedom most days to take the kids to new park... new discoveries
Low Fat Pudding- it's getting me through Weight Watchers
Ice Cream... always
Again.. my husband... who is working so hard on making our house a nest
Vaccums... yah for suction
The Sun... it has been shining so much even with the dropping temperature
The internet (thanks Joyce for mentioning it)... purely for the connection
And soooo much more.....

Handprints on Your Heart

Today I was in church listening to Pastor Jerven talk about Neiamiah and the importance of Family. He talked about how family comes in many forms. Of course we have our birth family and the family we married into. We also have our community family and our church family. He also talked about our Christian family. He also talked about how being apart of our family we have to love and support each other. How we pray for one another, we are there for one another. He also talked about as Christians we are called up to act. To help out. One of my new friends, who I really am starting to admire, stood up and talked about her dad. She said her dad was from a small town where everyone knew each other. That he was the type of man that was always helpful, not just in the church but to everyone. She gave an example of one winter he shoveled snow off his neighbours roof in 40 below weather. Just a side note, he is 65 years old. And of course my friend, worried about her dad hurting himself, went to him and asked 'why?' 'why do YOU have to do it? why can't you let someone else help?' And his reply to her was ' Because I can.' It got me thinking about how people have helped me in the past. Who has touched my life. I envisioned my heart with little handprints all over it. my heart was covered. Dana and I have been so blessed with such amazing people in our lives. From bosses who were understanding to what we valued, to friends who have always been there for us, to family who always knows what to say or what to do, to complete stranger who quickly befriend us. Thinking back on it all, I feel those handprints on my heart. It also got me thinking about what I do to help. I use to love being involved as a kid. I was always volunteering for something. But since I have had kids I have slowed down and have not been that involved. In my old job that is why I enjoyed it so much. It was similar work to what I use to volunteer as, but I was being paid to be there. But helping out is act of unselfishness, and that sounds pretty selfish to me. Maybe not so selfish, I mean I was providing for my family, but it wasn't exactly what I had in mind. Lately, I have been having this feeling to really get involved. I thought it kind of funny the different mind set I have from some people. when I went to my doctor to talk to him about me possibly having post partum, I told him I was feeling alot better over the past few weeks and I think it is because I have been making an effort to get involved. I have pursuing groups in the church, I registered as a volunteer at YMCA, and at our local community centre. His response was that is great, but remember to take care of yourself. Which is great advice especially because I tend to put everyone else a head of myself (don't most moms). But on the same hand, being involved and 'helping' really fulfills me so in essence it serves my wellbeing. Our church is slowly starting to rebuild it's congregation and I really feel this is where God is calling me to work. The only thing is that I am not sure where to start. I know that God will lead me in the right direction, but please pray for me as I go out on my mission to serve. This post may not touch everyone, but I challenge you to think about the handprints on your heart. Really dwell on it and then think about how many handprints you have made. Just a thought.....

*** PSS: DELURKERS! Thanks for everyone who has delurked so far. I will keep the draw open until this Wednesday and do the draw first thing Thursday morning so if you want a chance to win, delurk before then :) ****

The Response

In response to Amanda's blog. I have to say Amanda I felt a little kindred to you today as I read your blog as I feel the exact same way. As I tried to tackle our basement today, the pit as it has been affectionally named, I got more frustrated with every box I moved for the umteenth billionth time, with every piece of rooting or dried food I picked up, every broken toy, dirty laundry........... not to mention the saw dust and drywall that has been yet to be thrown away or vaccumed up since we added (or somewhat added) another room to our basement. I have been working for 3 hours and now their our little piles all over the basement. Garbage. Recycling. Toys to go upstairs. Totes to go in the shed. Things to be sold online. I told Dana that if he doesn't come home and immediately put the piles to their designated areas, he will be grounded. Yes, I told my husband grounded. No hockey for a week. I'm a big meany, but I am at the end of my rope. So Amanda, in response to your blog. We all have 'pits' or 'dungeons' in our lives......... try grounding your husband. LOL.

In other news, Ava cut her first tooth. We discovered it on Wednesday morning after a rather hellish night before. I am so proud of her. She is very cranky today too... maybe another one is one its way.

Today I am missing home a little. I miss our almost daily trips down to the Beanery to get a hot chocolate for Kynan. I miss my mom and I's sewing sessions while we listened to dad and Kynan run around in the living room. I miss our shopping trips. I miss family dinners with lots of yummy foods and laughter and jokes. I really miss those. I miss play dates with cousins and coffees with sister-in-laws. I miss family hugs and not so good days. I miss 'I'm too tired to get up can you come look after the kids' calls to my mom. I have come to the realisation of two things. Firstly, I was a little spoiled having family living so close and who were always there for us when we needed it. And secondly, I miss people knowing me. And I mean really knowing me. Knowing what I am trying to say even if the words don't come out right. Knowing that I sometimes say the wrong thing and forgive me anyways. I miss people really wanting to spend time with me. I really miss home.

On the other hand, I have to think about why we moved... Dana is always reminding me. And look into our future when the sacrifices we made today will pay off ten fold in our future. I am truly blessed to be married to a forward thinker and a man who is not afraid to make decisions and I mean really hard decisions. Our move out here has not been my first choice, but I do like it here. Our little house, our little yard, our neighbours, our library, our Y, the shopping, the parks, the family walks, the new first impressions, the reacquainting with old friends. There are many positives.

I guess sometimes we just need to reminisce. I love you Mom & Dad, Greg & Trish, Shane Margaret & Lorelei, Al & Carleen, Rob Kaili & Jaia, Shalane & Phil. You have no idea how much I miss you every single one of you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Story of Us

My 'born to be husband'. That is what I use to call Dana when we were in high school and I was pining to be his girlfriend. Dana and I met in the summer of 1998. We instantly had a connection, but remained just friends as I was dating someone else. After that relationship was blown out of the water... I was pretty heartbroken and turned to my friend for comfort. Dana was a knight in shining armer and quickly became one of my best friends. He listened as I cried and babbled on and on about the ex and never once complained. Even after several months of talking about how heart broken I was he still never complained, but spending all that time with him really started to open my eyes to what was right in front of me. I remember making a wish for my soul mate one really bad night (I had just found out that my ex had started dating... already). I made a wish for someone to love me completely and passionately. The next day I looked at Dana and almost felt a lightening bolt penetrate me. Well, from that moment on I was in love... secretly. Our movie dates, and ice cream binges always had a hidden meaning for me. I would imagine what our first kiss would be like. I told my girlfriend that I was going to marry Dana one day, that he was the one. Dana was oblivious to all of this. He had many girlfriends while we were friends and I would always smile and nod as he told me the going ons between them. I remember him telling me that he broke up with Jill Robbins, and I was so excited I almost peed myself. But then in the same breathe he said he thought he might be interested in Marisa Moore. Again, I kept my secret to myself. I was so anamored I still remember going to a church rally and I had cinnimon hearts in my jacket pocket. Dana reached in a grabbed a handful. This surely meant he loved me too??? (A side note, I still have that bag of cinnimon hearts... what can I say?). I finally got up enough courage to ask Dana out .... the conversation went a little like this:

"Hi Dana, how's it goin'?"

"Fine"

"Are you doin' anything or can we talk?"

"I can talk" (said a little hesitantly)

"Well, I was just thinking about us and I was .... ah.... thinkin..... that maybe we could take our relationship to the next level?" (I held my breathe and was thinking 'next level' what kind of stupid thing was that to say)

...... An awkward pause......

"Honestly Susie, I just want to be friends"

(the earth fell out from beneath me)

"Ya, well no problem. It was just an idea. I gotta go. Talk to you later."

When I got off the phone I was mortified. Heartbroken and so embarassed. But it didn't stop me from asking again. A few weeks later, after several get togethers with just him and I, we kissed. It was the best first kiss I have ever had and when I think it about today I still get butterflies. He literally took my breathe away that night. But after we pulled away from each other, me needing to know and analyse every detail asked, "What does this mean?"

Dana replied with, "Nothing, I still just want to be your friend" Was he not there for our earth shaking kiss just now???? Anyway, again mortified, I asked him drive me home immediately and ran up to my room and cried. Was I out of my mind, I could have sworn that we had chemistry and that he felt it too. I was very heartbroken and so embarressed.... again, I didn't talk to Dana for over a month. But by then we had grown really close and that month hurt because it was like living without your best friend. I finally decided to call him up, casually, and ask him to hang out. After that, I tried to put my feelings for him on the back burner, and just be his friend. It was working, but everytime I went home I knew how I felt and I couldn't pretend any longer. The next time we saw each other I was going to tell him I couldn't be around him anymore. I went over to his house to watch a movie, Kiss the Girls. Not very romantic, but we were buddies- not dating. We were lying watching the movie and I looked up at him (to gaze really), but he was looking at me!!!! My heart skipped a beat. "Why is he looking at me?" "Does he like me?" And before I could analyse it anymore, he kissed me. At first I melted into his warm comforting arms, but then I realised we had been here before and I couldn't take to be rejected again. I pulled away. I told him I was sorry, but I couldn't be a 'friend with benefits'. I wasn't like that and I liked him too much. That he had to choose, all of me or nothing. Because I couldn't be around him as friends anymore. At that moment he said something that I will never forget. It is the foundation of our marriage vows and is still a common phrase we say to each other. He said, "I want you for infinity". (sigh) I melted back into his arms and enjoyed snuggling with him for the rest of the movie. I was on a high for weeks, months, and maybe even still- after that perfect moment. I know this story is kind of cheesy, but I love telling it.

Dana and I have been together now since February 26th 2000- that was the night. We have been friends, best friends, for almost a decade. It's been the best 10 years of my life.

Honesty .... A New Page

This post is going to be a little random, finally with some pictures, and honest. Well, I thought I would turn a new page and title this post honesty because I am going to reveal to everyone how I have been really feeling mostly because it's theraputic, but also I want people to know me for me. Not who I want them to percieve me as. Thank you readers for all of your words of encouragement on the last post. I really needed it, to be honest. The last few weeks, maybe months, have not been my greatest.


Let's start with how I have been feeling. Because it's a bit of a downer and I want to end on a positive note. I have been, I believe, suffering from delayed post partum. I don't care if you disagree, but this is what I am chopping it up to. I haven't felt like myself 80% of the time. I have really bad mood swings. One minute I am laughing and enjoying whatever I am doing and the next all I want to do is go to bed or let the rage out (ie: yelling). I have had crashing headaches which I normally don't get, and I have been very tired.... not just I have a baby tired, but oddly tired and unmotivated. I get frustrated at little things lately. Something like doing the dishes becomes a huge chore and I get mad... almost furious. That's the downer.



But the positive thing is that I have an incredible husband that seems to hold me together even when I am in pieces. He totally puts up with my tantrums, and holds me for the crying and apologizing afterwards. He makes the happy times that much more sweeter and when he is around, my moods stay positive longer. I will admit that I have been very hard on him since we've moved to Regina. Expecting alot from him. I know he feels torn and that sometimes he can't do the right thing, but mostly it is just me deflecting on to him. SO if you read this Dana, I love you so much, I appreciate you beyond what you will ever know and thank you so much for sticking with me.





I also have a tremendous family that has been pouring on the love lately, and I have to say that I really really am thankful for them. SOmetimes I call my mom 3 times a day, a little sad, but sometimes I just need to hear her voice. She is never busy to listen, even if it is just about laundry or the other nothings we talk about. My brother Greg has been calling religiously just to keep in touch. I use to find it a little awkward talking to him just because I use to feel like we didn't have a lot in common, but now I look forward to our phone calls so much and love just talking him. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I look forward to reading Kaili's comments. She is always so full of wisdom. Carleen has been sending the kids post cards letting them know she is thinking about them and just sent us a Halloween care package. Carleen, I ate that chocolate bar so fast your head would spin. Really, my entire family has pulled together to really help me through this difficult time so thank you so much. Life is so much sweeter knowing I have such an amazing family.





And of course my friends, blogger buddies, facebook pals, and long time connections- all seem to lately pooling together to show their support. I have been blinded lately to how fortunate I am, but my eyes are open and thank you so much for making me feel supported and blessed. And thank you for not judging me because in all honesty, I think it would have pitted me over the deep end. I am already being very hard on myself.

As for my action plan, I hope that through some counselling... yes counselling and a little bit of Susie time I will get through this. And I know I will get through this because I am strong person.

As for being a bad mom. I have my moments and I don't do everything I should, but I also have moments when I shine as these photos show. I love my kids more than life itself and they have given me my purpose. I was talking to my mom yesterday on the phone, crying because I always thought that my life had this great purpose intended for it. That sounds a little egotistical, but that's truly how I feel and how I still feel. But maybe I am looking at it all wrong. Maybe my great purpose is my children and role as a wife. And through the love that I share with them, they will go on to do greatness. Just a thought.

So thanks for reading my awefully long post and sticking with me through all the negativity. I hope to be a little bit more positive in posts to come, but no promises. After all we all need to vent from time to time.

The Comparison Game

I think this post will be a little bit of a vent because I have been holding this in and decided that I am positive (am hoping) that there are other moms who either feel the same way I do or at least understand. The comparison game is a fun (not really) game that most moms play, whether they admit to it or not. It's mainly...'my baby is better then yours' and quite truthfully it drives me crazy. For once I would like moms to be honest about how they are feeling and what they are faced with on a daily basis. We all have our moments and no one is perfect... not even our precious children.

I will be the first to confess.... Kynan is not potty trained, only just learned his alphabet and even at that he just sings it and muffles the letters together, he eats a little too much sugar and watches way too much TV. Ava doesn't sleep through the night and I have resorted to giving her pablum as it seems to be the only thing that keeps her sleeping for more than 2 hours. She spends only about 30 minutes a day on her belly and the rest of the time she is in her exersaucer, swing, on her back on a mat, or in her highchair. I rarely hold her for long periods of time for several reasons. First and fore most, she is not a cuddler and likes her own space. And between chores, renos and chasing Kynan- there isn't much more time left in the day. As for me, there is so many imperfections about myself to list (we are always harder on ourselves). For instance, I still have not lost my baby weight from Kynan and to be honest I really haven't tried. I like food, especially sweets and my waste line shows it. I am not the best cook, baker, launderer, ect.... I am not always the best mom and I am certainly not always the best wife. I use to be super positive about everything, but in the last few years I have developed an attitude and am cynical about certain things. I wish that I had good routine with the kids where they got craft, story, and outside time regularly. I wish that Kynan only watched a half an hour of TV a day. And I wish I weighed even 160 lbs and had a golden tan. But all of these things are just not reality for us. I am imperfect. I'm not saying I don't strive for all these things, I do, but sometimes we just have to be happy with what we are doing otherwise we will go crazy.... comparing.

I do have some good moments and characteristics, but this post not about that. Because we all have and flaunt the good things whenever we play the game.

The last few weeks have been a haze for me and to be honest I still have to wake up and make a mental note to myself to be happy. I have been depressed (scary word), but it's the truth. I have been temperamental to say the least. And very uninterested in 'mothering'. I know that sounds bad, but it happens. I wanted to write this post in case there were any other moms out there that feel like they are the worst mom ever. I am here to say you are not alone and the best way to fight the comparison game is .... HONESTY.

There it is.... my venting post. Sorry if I offended anyone, but I certainly feel better now. I have confessed to the world I am a bad mom and it is liberating.

A Little Flat

On Friday I was a feeling a little flat.... liternally.

I started driving down Ring Rd when the van started shaking. I pulled off in the nearest parking lot only to see that my rear tire had not only blown out, but was almost shredded to the rim. I am a Class A driver folks. LOL.

I called Dana from the only store that was open at the time, a Tanning Salon, to ask Dana to come rescue me. This is what the front desk girl heard from our conversation:

"Hey, Love.... Yay um... about the van... Can you come rescue me as we got a flat tire?"

"No I didn't check it this morning, I thought you filled it last night"

"Please just take your break early and come change the tire."

"No I will not change the tire. I don't even know how."

"Dana, I have both the kids with me. How do you expect me to walk to the nearest station?"

{At this point the girl was looking at me rather appalled}

"Ok see you in a bit"

Needless to say, I now know how to change a tire and feel quite confident that I will be able to do it on my own next time. Gotta love husbands!

Transformation

I needed a change so I just went for it.

It chopped off.

The complete look.

The Magical Kiss

Kynan has always been the one to get his boo-boo's always kissed better my mom. I was kissing another boo boo better today and it amazed me the trust that my kids put in me. They completely rely on me for life. So many things in our day count on me providing them with safety. When we are driving, when we are walking, when we are around the kitchen, in the bathroom.... anywhere and everywhere. I am always kissing Kynan's boo boos better and no one else's kisses will do. If I am near it has to be me. And when I kiss his boo boo the pain seems to magically disappear and he is bounding off to play. Today I tripped and fell in the parking lot.... carrying both my kids. Luckily Ava was in her car seat so she just went plop on the ground.... she didn't even cry. Kynan was in my arms and I fell so that he would land on top of me. He was startled and a little scared, but when he looked at me almost tearing up from the pain his first reaction was to kiss my boo boo better. He asked me where I hurt and then he kissed my knees better, gave me a hug and said 'There there mommy". And the pain just magically disappeared and I picked up the kids and bounded into the bank.

Living Away From Your 'Comfort Zone'

Someone asked me to do a post on living outside my 'comfort zone', so I thought I would share some of my feelings I have had since we have moved to the prairies.

The very first emotion I had was dread, nervousness and sadness. When Dana and I were talking about moving, I put a smile on my face and told him I would support whatever decision he made. Secretly thinking that he would come back from la-la land and we would start looking in Summerland. But that never happened and I will be honest, his excitement, enthusiasm and positivity rubbed off on me.

So then came the excitement, after we bought our house I was so excited to get here and start the new chapter in our lives. I knew I was leaving some wonderful things (family, friends, community), but I anticipated what awaited us on our new journey.

Soon after arriving, I felt lonely. All of these cool and exciting new things happening to us and no one around, really, to share them with. *Side bar: Jen and Jordan have been great in welcoming us here and have really helped me ease into this change** But none the less I still felt lonely for my family, the people who know me the best.

As we started changing our house to what we envisioned, I began to feel excitement again. I love doing projects with Dana and we really do make a good team. Team McCallum bands together to conquer... dreams.

Miller came, more excitement. The familarity and comfort of a true blue friend was sooooo incredibly nice to have here for almost a week.

Miller leaving, sadness. Sadness for many reasons. The realisation that we are not on vacation and will not be returning to the beautiful paradise we once called home. Instead we are here, in a different kind of beauty, that will become our home.

Bought laminate, again excited about making our house a home.

Threw out my neck..... extreme pain and missing my mom immensley as her and my dad would totally take care of me and the kids. Watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and eating yummy long johns.

Which brings me to now, and my overall feelings on the subject. There are extremely hard days and moments I miss my whole family I want to cry, market tuesdays with my mom, my dads delicious bbq, emo walks with Carleen, Kaili & Jaia, Beanery visits to see Uncle Rob, sharing in the joy of Sha and Phil's new home, girly lunches with Margaret and Trish, and random, but awesome visits with Shane and Greg. Not to mention all the Great Grandparents, and my Aunts and Uncles that all lived within 40 minutes of us. Even just writing about these found memories brings tears to my eyes. But those things, as precious as they are, will always be apart of me. And when we go to visit, we will cherish them even more.

Now we have a new adventure, a mystery waiting to be unfolded. I fall in love with our new city everyday. And as I sit here waiting for Abby and Jen to come over, I know the promise of new friendships is in store for us. And most importantly, we have each other. And Kynan, Ava, Dana and I have never spent as much 'quality' time together as we have the last few weeks. Lots of visits to the Y and the library. Family dinners around the table with loads of laughter and giggles from Ava. And knowing in 9 months I do not 'have' to return to work only to have someone else raise my children. I have found a new found joy in my kids and everyday they unfold a new blessing to cherish. There are hard days, but we have also had some pretty amazing days.

So in answer to living outside your 'comfort zone', as we grow and expand as individuals, so does our comfort zone. And we have to keep growing and experiencing, otherwise, what are we living for?

Love goes out to my family and many thanks to them and their support, because this move has not only been hard on Dana and I, but more so on them. We love you so much.

Don't Say GoodBye... Just Say So Long

Welcome to the prairies, Miller. We are so happy you came to visit. It was so nice to have someone here that we knew, that got our twisted jokes, that laughed with us... got scarred with us.... got emotional with us.... well maybe just me. I cannot tell you enough how fantastic it was to have you. Thanks Chels for giving the gift of time. You are the best.

This was on our way back from our lazy day in Regina Beach. It was soooo hot out and we didn't even bring our bathing suits, but we got some great pics.

Kynan was pertrified of being on top. He just sat there trying to balance himself and then when I went to go take the picture he started to scream. What can I say, we're great parents.

Miller being modelesc. Thanks for being my muse.

This is one of like 50 shots that Dana took of me while we were playing 'I'm too sexy'. He was pretending to be a photographer and I couldn't stop laughing.

The whole Fam Damly.... Kaili, that saying is addictive.

Peaceful Ava... for like 5 minutes.

Kynan trying to suck the jam through the package. No we weren't having toast. He is just a jam addict thanks to some Grandparents I know... just kidding.

Lovin on Miller.

Being Silly.



Ok I got Dance Revolutions for the xbox and tried it out on Sunday night. I think I lost 10 ibs trying to keep up with those stupid little arrows. This is my exercise plan for the winter. Wish me luck.

The boys... by a fountain. They make a great couple, don't you think?

Miller. We had so much fun with you, showing the city, talking, laughing, getting you scarred with our driving. You are the best and we look forward to May!

And to my readers. I try and post several pics so that family can keep up to date with us. Does anyone (aka my family) read my blog. Just curious....

I'm Going Crazy!!!

Ok, I have been inspired to post this by other OCD bloggers I know, her and her, to name a few. As most everyone knows by now, we recently moved. I usually like unpacking and organising all our things into their new home. I look forward to a clean a house where everything in its place. But Dana and I decided to dive right into renovating our new home and have been reluctant to unpack most of our boxes as stuff is easier to move around when it's all together. I look around at the boxes piled in corners and toys astrued all over.... and half started reno projects everywhere.... It drives me crazy. I wish one of my super powers was superspeed so I could just 'get'er'done'. Anyway... I guess that is just part of the gig, but I think i am developing a stress linked tick. Don't shun me when you see me walking down the street with my tick....