Happy 2009

We hope that everyone had a very Merry Christmas and Happy 2009. We had a group pf friends over on the eve of 31st to ring in the new year. We played Cannasta and a little Cranium. It was super fun. All I can say is that the girls rocked the night, yeah! It was our first New Years Eve Party ever, and even though it was small, we had such a wonderful time.

It's hard to believe that 2009 is here already. Already so many BIG news to hit the airwaves. Particularly, my sister-in-law is expecting. We are so happy for her as we know it is a dream of hers to have a house full of children one day. And what a way to ring in the New Year with a bang. When she found out she was pregnant with Jaia, she told her husband on top of the empire state building. Both of these moments will be memorable.

As for Dana and I, not much has changed. We are looking to make some changes regarding our living situation. We are a little cramped in our little apartment so we are looking into some non-risky options, like possibly a co-op. So if you wouldn't mind praying for us we would appreciate it. In addition to that someone emailed us regarding our lot. This is great news and we are very hopeful.

Kynan's Birthday is tomorrow and we will be celebrating it at Chucke Cheese. Kynan is very excited and truth be known, so are we. However, it is hard to believe that our little baby is turning 4!!! Where does the time go? Pictures will definitely follow.

That's about it for us.

Some Yule Tide

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. After going through our little photos, Dana and I realised that we didn't really photograph much this year. I hope you enjoy what we do have.

To be truthful, I am feeling I need to post an update, but am unsure what to write. There are so many thoughts rambling up in my mind, and not one is striking as more important than the other. So I thought I would do a mind dump on you. Feel free to read on, or not... No pictures on this post as I cannot find my camera charger. Urgh!

The first thought... Ava seems to be growing up so fast. We went to Amazing Adventures the other day with a good friend. It's a play place, but also has Gymnastic Lessons there. Ava practically jumped the fence to join the little pre-school class. After, I talked with the instructor and she watched Ava climb over the play structure. She said that Ava would be great at Gymnastics and appears to be very ready. Since that conversation, Ava has been a little acrobat. Climbing over everything, jumping from couches, doing head stands, tight rope walking on my legs. So I think Gymnastics is in her near future. She also can count to three! She stands on my legs, and says "One, two, three... go!" and then free falls into my arms. Ava is very strong willed and at times can be challenging, but there are moments that I see her determination and strength as such great qualities. I love that her little personality is unfolding and with every new day something new emerges from her.

Kynan, on the other hand, is proving to be a little more of a deaf boy lately. Meaning he is not listening EVER! It seems like I have to ask a million times for him to do something before he even flinches. It is getting so frustrating. And he is starting to lie. I mean, I watched him rip apart the Sears Wishbook and when I asked him what happened to it he blamed Ava. If I hadn't watched him from the other room I would have believed it too. The other night we had a new babysitter watch the kids, who he told he was allowed to stay up as late as he wants and this mommy said it was ok. Before leaving the house earlier that evening, I specifically told Kynan to listen to Joelle and go to bed when told. I'm not really sure how to stop this behavior and am feeling a little lost. Kynan is usually so well behaved, but these are new phenomenons that have me bewildered.

Something that I have been thinking alot about lately, has been my deceased nephew, Calvin. Today I was driving in the car and a song came on the radio and I started to think of him and cry. Yesterday, I talked to my mom and she threw out some ideas on what she would like to do. She told me she was going to write a letter to let out some of those feelings we can't or don't talk about. It made me think that I don't really feel like I have properly mourned or let go of him. This sounds so strange because I never knew Calvin. I only ever saw him in his tiny white casket. But I can remember feeling him kicking Margaret's belly, sewing blankets for him, and decorating his nursery getting so excited to meet him and his sister. And now, I never will. The funeral is over, and I am thousands of miles away from his mom and dad and yet I still feel pain for them. Pain for him. Pain for my heart. So when do you get over a death? Or do you? Do you just learn to live with this memory? I know that Calvin is living his eternal life with Jesus, and what a beautiful life he will have in heaven. But I still miss him and think of him all the time. Little things remind me of him. And I wish he was here. My friend today said that I am at peace over where he is, but it doesn't take away from the anticipation or excitement we all had to meet him. That made sense to me....

With days to go before Christmas, Dana and I have been talking alot about the true meaning of Christmas. Especially where the kids are concerned. I am excited to see that Kynan is really into Christmas this year, knowing to write a list, that Santa is coming, getting excited over the tree and snow. However, sometimes I think that all that "stuff" overpowers the real purpose. How do we stop that from happening? On Christmas eve we are going to a friends house for a birthday party. No gifts, just cake. And a whole lot of thankfulness and love. We watched the Nativity Story with Kynan and Ava and have been reading stories. Kynan's preschool has been talking about the shepherds and wise man. But with all the Christmas hype around, do they truly understand this miracle? The birth of Christ. What a marvelous and incredible gift. I know this Christmas we will be spending alot of time reflecting on this and I hope you are able to too.

Well, that's it for now. My mind dump. Sorry if you fell asleep. I better go and be a good mom. Kynan's been asking for a snack for 10 minutes....

Merry Christmas!

A day in the life of....

little Kynan boy. Lately he has really enjoyed stealing my camera and snapping shots from his perspective. Some of them are really good, others are hard to tell what it is, but mostly it is just interesting to see what he sees and what he finds photo worthy. Here are just a few. **The first shot is my picture of him. He asked me to take. He said that he is a puppy. Can you see it?

Thankfully Home

We are finally home after two weeks of being in Summerland. I am so thankful to be in my own environment again. And my heart almost leapt from my chest when I saw Dana for the first time. I couldn't wait to make out with him like we were teenagers... yup... I said it! The kids were equally excited to see Dana. It may have been the four airports, three airplanes, and 6 hours of traveling that did it (thank Dana for booking our tickets), but I think they were just genuinely happy to see their dad. Kynan gave a running hug and Ava refused to let go of him. It was a long day of traveling, but couldn't have ended any better.

Today Dana took a half a day off to come home early and spend time with us. I am so excited. We are going to go grocery shopping and then come home bake cookies and decorate the apartment and the tree. I already have some apple cinnimon burning in the diffuser. It's snowing outside and looks like Christmas. I am excited for December and all that it brings. I am happy to be home.

I will make one promise. I am never leaving Dana again for two weeks at a time.

Saying Goodbye

Yestderday was Calvin's funeral. The night before, the viewing. For last two weeks, I think I was too caught up in the "What can I do", and "How can I help" mode to really focus and allow myself to feel the loss of Calvin. It really didn't hit me until I was staring at his precious face, over his casket. I walked into the chapel and my brother was sitting at the front pew, it looked like he was just spending time with his son. I gave him a hug, and was about to look at Calvin when my sister-in-law came up behind me and asked if I would be ok. She then said that if I didn't want to look at him it would be ok. I really didn't understand. I wanted to meet him, to see him. So without a second thought I looked over at his tiny little peaceful body. He looked like he was in a peaceful deep sleep. I started to cry. I was doing everything I could to stop myself from caressing his check, tickling his toes, picking him up and patting his bum. Thinking that by doing that he would miraculously wake up and show me his beautiful eyes. I am not sure how much time had passed, but in the time I was there I cried, prayed, and cried some more. When I thought I was done, and went to walk out of the chapel. I couldn't move. I was frozen. I couldn't leave my nephew alone. I kept crying, praying that God would give me strength to collect myself and walk away, but I couldn't. He needed me. If it wasn't for Margaret stepping in, I think I would still be there. I burried my head into her shoulder and wept. Repeatingly saying sorry for her loss, sorry for emotions, and as I cried- she guided me out of the chapel. All I kept thinking is how incredibly strong she is. After all, this is her son, and she is guiding me out of the chapel. I couldn't even face the rest of my family. I had to run to the bathroom and collect myself. It was the single most hardest and most beautiful greeting and goodbye I have ever had. I was meeting my nephew for the first time, and in the same breathe saying goodbye.

The next day was the funeral. It was very beautiful. The flowers, the pictures, the people. I was grateful to have gone, but honestly Ava really didn't allow me to experience the funeral. Maybe she instinctibely knew that it would be hard and was trying to distract me. It wasn't until we were up at the grave site that I really felt the emotion sweep over me again. With family helping with the kids at that moment, I was really able to pray for Calvin's journey into the afterlife. And to spend some moments with God. In those moments I felt peace. I felt God reassuring me that I would see Calvin again. That I would one day get my chance to hold him when we will be reunited. And that he would love on him and care for him until then.

It's amazing to me how much my heart breaks for this little soul I didn't even really know. My heart breaks for his heart, his body, the strain he endured. My heart breaks for his mom and dad and siblings. For my family. He touched many lives even in the short days he lived. But in the midst of all this, I do feel peace knowing that he is with Jesus. Knowing that I will see will again all too soon.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

Psalm 139:13-18 NIV

The Mommy Diairies... IDENTITY

I am reading this book with my Mothers of Preschoolers group and I thought I would share the process with my ever so few readers, as most of them are mothers or are one day going to be mothers. I believe we are all mothers at heart and always take moments when we are mothering a child, a spouse, a friend, a parent, or even a stranger. So I hope you find something in what I write, even if it is only to get to know me better.

This chapter was on identity and how many mothers struggle with who they after having children. We often put everyone before ourselves. "We celebrate our children's uniqueness with abandon, relishing each new feat of genius, every step of creative independace. We encourage them to chase their dreams, seek out ways to practice their talents and strengths, and enjoy their passions. Why is ot so hard to do the same for ourselves?" **Side note: I know their are some mothers who may not feel this way, but I feel that the large majority do. Many of the moms in my group could relate to this chapter.

At the end of the chapter filled with other mom's story on how they deal with their identity issues and how they learned to celebrate the woman they are, there are a list of questions that I will share my answers to with you. Please no judgement, I am just sharing my heart with you in hopes that you may get to know me better.

OWNING YOUR ADVENTURE:
1. WHAT SURPRIZED YOU THE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF ONCE YOU BECAME A MOTHER?

Three things surprised me. Number one was the amount of love that I had for this little sweet pea. In an instant, I would lay down my life for him and again with her. I was surprised by resilience. By the amount of sleep I actually needed. By the way my body changed to accomodate this little infant. And by my strength to endure such pain, challenges, and perseptions that came during and after child birth. And thirdly, how people, including myseld, viewed me differently.

2. DID YOU FIND PEOPLE LOOKED AT YOU DIFFERENTLY THAN BEFORE YOU A MOTHER?

Absolutely! I feel like I disappeared most of the time, and what was left was the kids. All people saw was the kids. No one saw me. Most of the time. Rarely someone would actually have a conversation with me about something other than the kids. But mostly it was about them. Which is ok to a point. I mean, I love talking about them too. They are the best kids alive no doubt :) But I am more than just my chiildren, I am a woman too. I will add that the one person who looked at me more fully, was my husband. There was a whole new level of appreciation from him. He knew I wasn't born to have babies, but rather they were a lovely addition to all our blessings as a married couple. I still feel that when he looks at me, he sees the woman behimd the mom. I am thankful for that.

3. HOW SO YOU FEEL YOU HAVE CHANGED SINCE MOTHERHOOD? HOW DO YOU FEEL YOU ARE THE SAME?

I feel like I have changed in the sense I am way less selfish. I have to be. It has become all about the children. And also my husband. Less about myself. That is ok, but I would like to learn how to find myself in there too. I am stronger since having children. More tolerant. Braver. Patient. But with myself, I have become reserved, less confident, and scared. If that makes any sense.

I feel like I am the same person under it all. I am creative, kind, compassionate, and outgoing. I love talking to others. I love learning about people, leadership, and virtually anything new. I am still that person under it all. I just don't always have the time or patience to let those qualities flow out of me.

4. ARE THERE PARTS OF YOURSELF YOU FEEL YOU'VE LOST AND YOU DEEPLY DESIRE TO REGAIN?

I have to admit that this chapter hit a chord. I have been searching probably since Kynan was born, for who I am and what my purpose is in this world. Not that having kids is not a purpose, I just don't believe that it is my soul purpose. I use to say when I was kid that I was going to change the world in some deep and meaningful way. I had no idea how. I mean, I am not an astronaut or a doctor. No major discovery will be made nor will I find some cure to some incurable disease, but I always thought it would be something. Now I look back on that and laugh thinking how nieve I was. But I would like to regain that enthusiasm. That hopefulness and drive. I find that now I am often fearful of the cost of what following my dreams would have on those around me. Financial, Emotionally, and most of all what if I failed?

5. HOW DO YOU DEFINE YOUR IDENTITY? BY YOUR KIDS? SPOUSE? CAREER?

Well, not surprising I usually identify myself first as a wife and then as a mom. Career? Ha! What career? I would like to get to the point where the first thing I think about is the fact that I am a child of God who was created specifically for a purpose. I was given specific talents and passions to help live out that purpose. But sadly I don't feel like I am there yet. If I were to be honest.

6. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU WERE CREATED WITH AMAZING POTENTIAL AND WITH GIFTS ONLY YOU CAN BRING TO THE TABLE? IF NOT, WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK FROM EMBRACING THIS TRUTH?

I do believe in this statement, it just usually is not the first thing I think about. Mostly I think because I may not reach that full potential. So what is holding me back is fear. Fear is satan's way of holding us back from who we truly are and it is sometimes really hard to shake him out of my head.

Well, there it is. Bare all. Open and honest. I will leave you with an excert from the book.

"As women wired especially to live our own lives, one-of-a-kind creations tailor made for significant impact, we owe it to ourselves and our families to fiercly protect our core identities. Our legacies flow from them, and they are what touch and move our children intimately . Cultivate who you are; seek out way to grow and to stimulate your true self. No one else can fill your role; no one else is prepared so perfectly to love your family, mother your children, live your live. You got what it takes. It's time to get going."