Tales From the Clan

Gone Paleo

2012-01-28T13:04:00.003-06:00

It has been awhile since I posted and there has been alot of changes in the McCallum household, but today I am only updating on one of those things and that is... we've gone paleo.

At first when I heard of Paleo Diet from my mother-in-law, I thought it was just another one of those things that she was trying to get fit, but when I realized that it has been almost a year and she is still going- I had to take a second look. Not to mention that she has dropped something like 10 dress sizes in 10 months! Something worth looking into, right? On our trip back to BC this Christmas was a perfect opportunity for me to see it in action at Carleen's house and ask as many questions as I like. Of course, Carleen didn't change her diet for us. She served what her and Al would normally eat and within the first few days the first thing I noticed was Ava's whole domineer had changed. She was calm, collected, and.... sweet! Not that she is not sweet, but we have been working with her for what seems forever on her melt downs and controlling her emotions. She started to turn the corner last spring, but at Baba's house she showed a whole other level of calm. It was so nice. That already sold me on it, but after discussing it with Dana about all of our digestive issues and of course Kynan's dairy intolerance, we thought what is to lose? SO we went for it.

{Fruit Salad Breakfast and Elijah helping by cheering me on}

What is Paleo? I really don't want to go into details, but basically we don't eat refined sugars, grains, legumes, or dairy. Which seems restrictive, but with some awesome recipes from Everyday Paleo, and Paleo Comfort Foods, we really feel like we are not missing much. Not to mention how good we feel, how much less we are are craving sweets, and how little the kids are 'snacking' on not so good foods. It is a little more pricey way of providing nourishment to your family with the increase of meats, protein and fresh produce, but in the money we are saving by not doing any McDonalds runs or eating out as much as we use to, I feel like it balances out. The other, somewhat negative thing, is that it does take prep. I was usually one of those throw something together kind of gals, but with paleo you do have to be more planned and organised than that. However, what it has provided is an opportunity for the kids to be more involved in the kitchen, they learn about different foods, and they even have started helping with the clean up (Ava did the dishes this morning). So it is a little more work, but the rewards far out way that. If you want more detailed information about Paleo you could visit Robb Wolff's site here. It has a ton of great information.

{Cucumber Tuna Boats for lunch. Kynan, the 'tuna fan' is excited!}

So all in all, we are enjoying the journey. I crave sugars less, have little or none digestive issues after eating, and have even noticed my tummy starting to trim down (and it has only been three weeks)! I don't weigh myself because that's just depressing AND a totally inaccurate way of determining success. We are basing it on feeling and behavouirs and we couldn't be more happy with the results.

{Our Paleo fridge. Stocked with fresh fruits and veggies, sliced chicken, lots and lots of farm fresh eggs!}

{Our Paleo Pantry! When we got back from BC, I rid our cupboards and pantry of anything non-paleo so I would not be tempted to jump off the band wagon. So now we have jars (excellent storage containers) of dried fruits, nuts, coconut flour, arrowroot flour, gluten free baking soda and baking powder, ect.)

So my next big plunge is work out. At this moments, I really do nothing outside of running after the kids and regular family activities (walks, biking, swimming, ect.) So in Feb (So like 4 days), I am starting a basic at home work out routine at home 3 times a week. I've been looking into Moose Jaw Cross Fit, but right now it really isn't in the budget of a starving student family ;)

That's it for now. I am hoping to get on again soon and post about our other new adventure, home schooling!!! Who new I would end up as one of 'those' moms. LOL!

Exactly Where We Are Suppose to Be

2011-11-03T10:24:00.004-06:00

There has been a lot of things happen since my last post and I apologize to my very few readers for not being more diligent and updating more. Things at the Port are finally feeling more settled. Honestly, it felt like a long hard summer that was extremely lonely as I didn't know many people and Dana was hardly around. When fall came, so did a sense of routine, new people, and blossoming friendships for both the kids and myself. Dana has been like a little kid, filled with eagerness to learn and excitement for his new environment. I am so thankful that he is feeling settled and motivated in his new adventure. As for myself, it feels like after a very restful summer "off" of activities, I have been launched into a little bit of a whirl wind of new ideas, a growing business, and establishing friendships; all of which have been very positive. God has been so faithful in providing new positive friendships in my life. A fellow photographer and now gym buddy, has been more than an answer to prayer; she has been a life line this summer. Preventing me from shutting out the world. Another mom, who shares similar values and parenting style, has also been a wonderful breath of fresh air and her children have offered a great new companion for Ava. Of course, every day, other relationships are being nurtured and established and I am really starting to feel at home here. Another exciting thing has been the growth of my photography business, which has more than quadrupled since last year. I have been busy with family, maternity, baby sessions, and (new to me this summer) weddings. I have loved every minute of it and I truly owe it all to Dana for pushing me and encouraging me to chase after something I have wanted for a long time. Another new, exciting and challenging, event on our horizon is the prospect of Homeschooling Kynan. This is something that was laid on my heart last winter. Something that I felt at the time, I was not capable of nor did I want to attempt it. But the more and more we ponder this option for our family the more excited we feel about. Every family is different, and this may be just right for ours. We are still considering all the possibilities, and hope to make a decision by December. So yes, alot. But also it all feels normal family stuff. On top of it all, I feel that we are doing and where exactly where we need to be. That this is what God had planned for us all along. I see purpose in everything we are doing, and am so grateful that God has been with us every step of the way. We are suppose to be challenged and stretched. That is when we learn to depend more deeply on the one who created us. For strength, encouragement and wisdom. I find myself encouraged and inspired here. I am doing things that I never felt I could or had the energy for. I am working out, eating healthier (still not great, but better than before), I launched my wedding photography business this summer with huge success, Iam reaching out to the community, I am reading my bible daily, I am looking into Homeschooling, I am more patient with my kids and enjoy them more than ever before, I LOVE being Dana's wife and all that I am blessed to serve him, and ultimately I feel closer to God than I have ever felt before. I still have a long way to go. After all, we are all works in progress, but I am so thankful that God designed Caronport to be one of our stops on our journey. We are exactly where we are suppose to be.

2011-07-12T11:22:00.003-06:00

One thing I have really enjoyed about living in Caronport, is the sudden repreive I have from all my commitments. We have nothing on our calendar except a few visits from family and to go see some friends. That's it! No where to run off to. Nothing I HAVE to do. Our days are so relaxed and the kids are seeming to enjoy this break in schedule. Our days usually consist of getting up, eating breakfast, playing outside, having picnic lunches, reading in the afternoon's, enjoying the garden, going for walks to the corner store, friends, enjoyment.....peace. I mean, there are some crazy days like today where I wake up to everything out of the cupboards and on my living room floor because I slept 10 minutes longer than I should have and the kids thought they would feed themselves. Or the black marker that is on my computer screen because I though Elijah was playing with Ava in her room when I was doing a load of laundry. I thought wrong obviously. I am hoping by confessing this, I am not thought of as a bad mother, but rather an imperfect mother who is doing her best to live in the moment and rejoice in the day we are given. Moving is always an adjustment. New friendships take time to form. There is always the beginning awkwardness that takes time to fade away. It's exhausting starting from scratch and to continually put yourself out there and be vulnerable to what people may think of you or perceive you. But isn't it worth it, considering what you might gain? That person may be that long lost friend that will end up being a life time friend. Or maybe they will impart wisdom or speak truth into your life? Maybe they will give a much needed wake up call and replant your path in life? Who knows, right? In talking to a new (possibly great) friend last week, I realized that I am an "all in" kind of person. Right out of the gate, I throw in all my chips, I open up, and I hope that I connect. I wear everything on my sleeve. My emotions, my past, my thoughts, my passions, EVERYTHING. I also tend to be a little uncensored because of this. Which sometimes people consider it a fault that I say the wrong thing, or share too much, but I choose to believe that this makes me human and imperfect. Someone who is yurning to improve and grow and gain wisdom, but recognizes that I am weak and insecure and possibly naive. I love how moving out here as put all this in perspective for me and allowed me to truly embrace... me. I feel free to be who I am and what I want to be, without fear of judgement or being cast out. Cast out from where? I haven't even been 'cast in' yet. So there is this sense of freedom here. Peace.

God Does Answer Prayers

2011-06-21T09:54:00.002-06:00

I am always amazed how God answers our prayers. It seems so perfect at times, and at others it seems just in the nick of time. Dana and I did put alot on the line when we decided to move to Caronport in following God's call on our lives. Nothing grand comes without sacrafice. We all sacrafice something; whether it be time, money, friends, ect... It seems like over the last 4 years Dana and I have been "sacraficing" alot! But I look at where it has taken us, and am amazed how God knew what was best for us all along.

I grew up in a small town and loved every minute of it. I loved how friendly people were, that you could take over an hour walking to town because you were bound to run into people you knew who wanted to chat, that you could walk to the grocery store. I loved that I knew everyone in my school in all the grades, most of them by name. I loved that I married my high school sweet heart, and I love that my children walked the same streets as I did growing up. I imagined my kids going to the same school I did, having some of the same teachers, finding the same secret quiet spaces (mine was the rock that looked over the creek behind the stone church). But things change, people change and dreams change. I found that after I got married and started a family, I looked at that same lovable community differently. I didn't have many "mom" friends that I could share life with, money was always a stress living where we did, and somewhere along the line I felt like I lost "my" community. So naturally when the opportunity came up to move Saskatchewan, it intrigued me. However, I still held to my little community scared of letting it go and all that it had meant to me. Not to mention that both Dana and I's family's lived in there too and I had imagined our children growing up with Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins as neighbors. Real 'Little House on the Prairie' kind of stuff. But on faith and hope we moved half way across Canada to the real prairie. That move changed our lives. We didn't know it then, but God was working in us and grooming us for the road that lies ahead.

Saskatchewan proved to be the most challenging, scary, loving, rewarding things we have ever done. We walked away from a brand new house, filled with all brand new things, into a two bed room apartment in a not so good area of town. Not to mention how much stuff we got rid of to fit it all in. We still held on to the possibility of our lot selling and being able to own a home, so we had rented storage for much of our bigger processions. Feeling like we were working a little backwards, and the unknown future, there were many times we doubted our decision. But something always held us here. As if God was saying, hold in tight, I have something for you, just not yet. Several months after being in this small home, my dear friend's hubby (they lived in the same building) said that he had a knife pulled on him in the parking lot so not to go out walking at night by myself like I had been. Now he was fine and made it more comical then I sure it was, but I remember being terrified and marching home immediately to tell Dana we are moving and that was it. But we couldn't afford much, our lot hadn't sold so we didn't think we could buy, but after months of looking it felt like there was no other option. So we had made an appointment with the bank to see what we could afford. Well, months prior we had applied for the Family Co-op which provided beautiful family town houses in a great area of town for subsidized rent but because we hadn't heard back we assumed there was no way we would get in. But guess who called when we were in the office with mortgage specialist? The Co-op! She told us they had a town house available in just a few weeks and they wanted to know if we wanted it. The amazing thing is that there is a wait list a mile long to get into this place, that's why we thought it was impossible. But she told us we were the last on her list, and she had called everyone else and they all told her that it was not a good time for them to move! In MAY! That is undeniably God taking the bull by the horn in my opinion. SO now we had a beautiful, safe home for our family.

Life seemed pretty perfect, even though the lot in BC has not sold, we had a home to be proud of and our family was growing. That fall little Elijah was born. We felt so blessed, but still felt as though we were waiting. Waiting on God to show us why Saskatchewan? Why now? Dana had started to feel discontented with his work and couldn't shake this undeniable feeling that he was suppose to be doing something else. Finally, just after Eli turned one, I took him to Caronport to talk to Academic Adviser and to see just what it would take to go into the ministry (aka: become a pastor). That day Dana was a kid in a candy store. He walked through the halls with a big smile, reading everything in site. He sat in on a class, and leaned in and said to me I know these answers! Can I raise my hand? I know after that day, that we would find ourselves back in this small rural town in the future. Little did I know it would only be a short 5 months later. The plan was for Dana to finish his electrical (3 years) while working on his degree through Briercrest by distance education. Now I would say that when God has a plan there really is no stopping it, but I don't believe that to be true all the time. I do believe that sometimes it does come down to a choice. You see in December that year, two months after our visit to Caronport, Dana "treated" me with a weekend retreat of solitude feeling the Lord's promptings that I needed time to reflect. I know that decision wasn't easy for Dana, considering I had been begging to go to Mexico for about 6 months. But he was obedient and listened to the promptings and I went. That weekend was revolutionary for me. Extremely disappointed that I wasn't on a warm sandy beach listening to the waves lap my feet, I started reading the word and spending lots of time in prayer. That weekend God spoke to me for maybe the first time in my life. I truly felt him saying: "Trust me. I have a plan. It has been in place all along. But now it comes down to you. You need to make a choice. To you follow MY plan for you or do you try and do it on your own." What echoes in my mind even still today is that it is all about a choice. I have to choose. I went home that day not really knowing what that meant until Dana and I's conversation floated back on our visit to Caronport and the prospect of him one day going to school. The conversation kinda went like this:
Susie: "So Dana, where are you at with that whole I wanna become a pastor, quit my job and go to school thing coming along."
Dana: "I still want to do it. I think about it everyday."
Susie: "So does that mean you want to go now? Not later?"
Dana: "Honestly Suz, I have been waiting on you to be ready and on board with the idea."
Susie: "Really? Me?"
Dana: "Yes Love"
Susie: All that is echoing in my mind at this point is that it's all about a choice. "Well, let's do it then!"
Really, there was much more discussion that went into it, but after that initial two minute conversation the decision had been made.

Now we are here, the summer before studies begin. Last week we didn't know if Dana had a job at the end of school or how we were going to pay for things or .... Needless to say the last two months have been very stressful. But listen to the many blessings we have received in the last 6 weeks.

-A good friend paid for me to go on the MOPS retreat which we couldn't afford to do otherwise.
-I shot my first "professional" wedding
-I booked my first "Full Package" wedding
-We got a free shed, a free swing set/ treehouse, a free trampoline
-AND now Dana got a job right here in Caronport!

God does answer prayers. He has provided us the will and knowledge and provisions all along our journey. We have always been able to pay our bills. We have never "lived without". Of course we have made sacrifices and done without, but it has never felt like a hardship. I truly feel as though God is filling up my heart and replacing all my wants and desires with HIS wants and desires. I am finding joy in knowing that we are following God's will. And what's more that we had the faith and obedience to make the CHOICE to do so. What has Jesus been asking you to do? Is there a calling on your life that you have not yet answered or are still wrestling through? Have you thought about the idea that it does come down to you choosing Jesus? I encourage you to make the choice, choose Him. Put your trust in Him. The road may not be easy, but it is filled with heavenly riches.

"Two paths diverged in a wood and I, I took the one less travelled and that has made all the difference."
-Ralph Emerson

Listen to this song and God bless YOUR journey.

Welcome to Caronport

2011-05-04T21:23:00.002-06:00

We're here! We made it! Thanks to many strong hands we were able to get most of our things packed up on Friday night. It's amazing how many people showed up and we were so grateful! On Saturday, our faithful friend came out and helped us move the rest of the stuff and even came to Caronport to unload. It took the two of them about 4 hours just to unload the truck. A friend from MOPS surprised me and helped me clean up the Regina house and get it ready for our inspection. And even a friend from Saskatoon came and lended a hand cleaning, and even watching the kids that afternoon. Again, we are truly grateful.

So we are here and seem to be settling into small town life. The kids have been riding their bikes everywhere and even Elijah pounds on the door as if to say, "Walk?" As for myself, I believe I am all walked out. Dana has started school in Moose Jaw on Monday, so he takes the van in the morning. Kynan's a morning class so we have to be at the school by 8:45am. It's only like a 8 minute walk, but when you are traveling with three kids it ends up being more like 25 minutes. Then we have to walk home. Then at 11:30am we are off to pick him up. Yesterday and tomorrow, Ava has preschool too, which means an extra trip to the school for 1:15 and again at 3pm. Needless to say, there better be some pounds shed or I will be an unhappy camper. My body ached last night, and I could not unpack another box. With all my ranting about walking, how out of shape I am, and how I wish I could just send Kynan by himself, I do love it here. It's so quiet and peaceful, you can see the stars at night, the dirt roads, the smiles and waves, the friendly housing staff (who have already rescued me from being locked out of my house twice already- key hidden, check). It feels like we are at summer camp and our houses are our family cabins and school is the daycamp our kids go to. With the exception that I am a bit of loner right now. Everybody walks or rides their bikes everywhere! There are paths that lead to every part of Caronport and everyone seems all so laid back. The kids love it. Dana is in his element. And I..... am going through social withdrawls, but know that even that will dissipate with time.

Here comes the next adventure.... bring it on!

Standing on the Edge

2011-04-26T21:30:00.003-06:00

We are just days away from our new adventure. Tomorrow Dana will be dismantling the office and my computer so I thought I better update this here page. Saturday marks the day of a new chapter and truly a complete reroute of our lives. If you were to ask me four years ago if I thought we would be here, I probably would laugh. Hysterically laugh. But there have been so many pivotal decisions that we have made as a family that have lead us to this. I can't help, but feel like I am a bird about to take flight, standing on the edge of cliff and hoping that my wings work and the wind will catch me. Our home on Sangster will be the longest place we have called home since being married. And this move to Caronport will be the seventh move in our seven years of marriage. You would think this might have gotten me down, but when Dana and I look at each other we giggle. We giggle at it all. We are giddy like two kids about to go Disneyland for the first time (which God willing will hopefully happen sometime in my lifetime-LOL). Boxes are packed, the kids are ready (and excited too), truck is booked, and the cleaning has started. I am sure there will be much to share and I hope to blog more as a way to keep in touch with everyone. Keep us in your prayers this week. And if you are feeling ansy on Friday or Saturday, come on over and load a few boxes!

It's All About A Choice

2011-01-25T15:12:00.004-06:00

So, last post I left you hanging a little bit, but I hoped you enjoyed the read. Now, let's you get caught up to where we are now.

After coming home from, my retreat, I strongly felt (and prayed) that Dana would be having an equally meaningful weekend as I did. I felt like something big was coming, but a little unsure as to what. So after tucking the kids into bed that evening, we sat down and talked about all that had happened on our weekends. He was actually really sick, and said that he hadn't had some big epiphany as I thought he would have. So I felt a little confused. I know that people would say to just wait and God will reveal His plans in perfect time, but I wanted to know now. So I asked Dana where he was at about that whole going to school thing, more for conversation than anything else. And he said, very matter of factly, "I want to go. I have always wanted to go. I have just been waiting for you to be ok with the whole idea of it." What?!?!? That was not at all what I was expecting, but what was even more unexpected was how I felt about it. Excited? Could that be right? About 2 months prior to this, Dana and I went out to visit a local Bible College so that Dana could tour the building, meet with some advisers and sit in on a class. Mostly, I just wanted him to be sure that he wanted to pursue this in the future. In the future and PART TIME was more where I was then. I didn't even think that he would want to go full time and soon. Having said that, I did feel right at home out in Caronport. It is a very small village and the people are lovely. And as we drove away I turned to Dana and told him I could see us living out there. Now speed back to where we are, the living room talking about school and Dana saying he wants to go to school, now.

School now? How do I feel about that? Excited? Nervous? Unsure? Yes, yes, and absolutely not. For the first time in a really long time, I felt like Dana and I were doing exactly what we are suppose to be doing. It all makes sense now. God did have a plan all along. The only ones who were stopping it was us. We didn't listen. Or maybe we were listening, but we chose not to act. To follow. To be obedient to the Call. That's when it dawned on me. It's all about a choice. God has chosen us long ago and has been preparing a path for us, laying out every detail, but if we don't follow. If we are not obedient and listen and act, then we will never know what His plan was. Dana and I felt like we were in this waiting period for like two years (ever since moving back to Regina), and now I see all along God was prompting us, grooming us, for this decision.

After that surprisingly short conversation, Dana decided to go ahead and apply for school. We didn't want to get our hopes up if he wasn't getting in. There were so many little things that happened after that confirming that this is where and what Dana and I were to be doing, that it gave us a sense of confidence that all would work out. And work out it did. Dana hand delivered his application in mid-January. We talked with financial advisers who laid everything out for us. We talked to the registration advisers who painted a clear picture as what the "next steps" are. Then when we were about to leave, Chantelle (registrations adviser) gave us great news. She had asked me earlier in the morning what my biggest worry was about Dana coming to school. I had confided that I was a little nervous about the housing situation and how it would all fall together. We didn't want to move until August and most of the students move out in spring. Also, we wanted one of the mobile homes so we could have space inside and out (they have bigger yards), AND we had a list of other hopes that we expressed to her. And her big news was, that in the twenty minutes we were in with the financial councilor, she had found us a house! Absolutely everything we had asked for, plus they were willing to hold it for us until August. Isn't that just amazing? It blows my mind how God works and I am not sure why I ever worry about anything because this is just one of the bizillion ways God has provided for us. God is faithful, and he consistently shows us He loves us through these little miracles.

So, long story short, we are moving an hour outside Regina to a little village named Caronport so Dana can attend Brieircrest College & Seminary School full time in the fall. He will be working towards a Bachelor of Theology with the goal of becoming a pastor one day. I am so excited about this new chapter in our lives and am so overwhelmed with peace about all the little details. God will provide.

Next post..... the Call. And my thoughts on that. But in the meantime check out this AWESOME song by 33 Miles.

Covered Path

2011-01-16T15:29:00.002-06:00

I know it has been a while since I have posted, and I hope you all have had a blessed Christmas filled with love and laughter. We sure did, but as always, the season zoomed by too fast! I can't believe it has been almost 2 months since my last post and so much has happened in our lives since then.

Early December, Dana surprised me with my first Christmas gift. He marked on the calendar, "Do not book anything" over three days and then hinted towards a trip away. All I had asked for Christmas was a romantic getaway so that we could recharge and spend time alone together, so I was super excited. I was a little shocked, to say the least, when his surprise did not involve sand of any kind, no plane, not even him. WHAT?!?! Dana, being the wise man that he is, planned a retreat for just me at a local retreat center for me to pray and spend time with God. Some people dream of a chance like this, but I definitely did not. Well, not this time anyway. Dana shoved (my interpretation anyway) me into a cinder block room with nothing, but a small suitcase and a kick good bye kiss. As he ran out of the room, he said that there was instructions in the bag. And there I stood, for the first time in what seems an eternity, alone.

Now, for those that know me, and Dana is no exception, know that I LOVE being around people. I am a proud extrovert, am energized from being around people, and just love to be busy. Period. I am also a mom of three very active kids and there is not alot of alone time or quiet time in my home. So this concept of "alone and quiet time for ME" is a little foreign. At first I was so upset that I literally cried for an hour straight. I kept imagining in my head where I could be, what I could be doing, and when my imagination would bring Dana into the picture I would wail harder. I am sure that my sobbing was echoing through the silent hallways of the retreat center. It is extremely silent out there. You could probably hear a pin drop clear across the building. After an hour, and my faucet had dried out, sadness and disappointment was replaced with anger. Let me pause for a moment and say, I know some of you might be thinking she is being a little dramatic or what a thoughtful thing your husband did, how selfish are you to be responding this way. I know and I felt awful after, but please try and put yourself in my shoes. For months I had dreamed about a relaxing, romantic, tropical trip, down to putting a palm tree as my screen on my phone. So this, a retreat center in the middle of a snow covered prairie, was not exactly what I was expecting. Okay, so now back to my anger. I was ready to call up Dana and say "You take the weekend! Come pick me up and I will look after the kids while you spend the weekend in solitude. This is your dream retreat, NOT MINE!" But, I also knew, from the bottom of my heart, that Dana did this out of love and respect for me. He felt THIS is what I needed, not some expensive holiday filled with further distraction. So after talking to a dear a friend, who edified my own thoughts, I chose to embrace the situation, and really seek out why God had led Dana to such a decision. I am so glad I did.

After talking with my friend, I hung up the phone feeling exhausted. So, I went back to my room, jacked up the heat, and crawled into bed. I must have been tired because I slept for a solid three hours only awakening to the smell of dinner down the hall. I went to the dining hall, sat alone, ate alone, awkwardly watching the other people (who were there as a study group from a church). They smiled at me and I smiled at them, quickly finished supper and left the awkwardness as soon as possible. I spent the evening wondering the halls and admiring all the artwork. The building was filled with amazing pieces from local artists. The retreat center had a right up about all their outdoor features; which included, a prayer walk, paths, and a labyrinth. I was in way trying to figure out what I was going to do the next day too, so I made a small plan to do all the outdoor stuff the following day. I spent most the night reading my Bible and a book I had found in the retreat center's basement sale (an indoor garage sale that helps raise funds for the center and their various events). The next morning came and I felt exhausted (didn't sleep much the night before), and full of confusion. Why did God speak to Dana and tell him here? What was I suppose to get out of all this? I was tired and mad, and bundled up to go out into the prairie winter which I was also not thrilled about.

I started with the prayer walk, which actually was great. I could hear the quietness of nature and the peace that filled me when I read the prayers aloud felt comforting and reassuring. I looked up the hill to where the labyrinth was suppose to be and just saw more snow, but thought I may as well. So I hiked up to entrance of the labyrinth. Okay, so you need to know that the night before I read that a labyrinth is like a spiritual pilgrimage. You walk into the center of the labyrinth relenting your hear to to God, unburdening your hear to him with all your stresses, questions, thoughts. Once you get to the center you silence yourself, and walk out listening to God. Emptying you mind and truly listen to what God will speak to you. Worth a shot, right? So I attempt to walk through this labyrinth, the whole time just relenting about our future. What are we doing here? Where are we going? Why hasn't are lot sold? What is my purpose? And so and so on. I finally made it to the middle and I am not sure how. The labyrinth had been laid out by stones which were all covered in snow. There were some footprints, but they seemed not to lead me in the right direction. Okay, so I had relented my heart to God, now it was time to clear my mind and quiet my thoughts and listen to what God had to say. I was so excited and filled with anticipation as I waited for God to bestow a sense of piece and purpose on my life. I started walking, nothing. The more I walked out of the labyrinth, the less peace I felt and more frustration rose in me. I couldn't even find my way out of this stupid labyrinth. How on earth am I suppose to hear God speaking to me when I can't even get this part right?!?!? I finally just jumped out of the chaos and gave up. I was so mad and more frustrated than I felt the entire weekend. What the heck! I thought this was suppose to be a weekend of enlightenment and give me sense of purpose and direction. I closed me eyes and lifted my hands up to the sky and yelled at God. My yelling turned to more of crying out. "Show me the light, God. Please, just show me your light!" And what happened next was both amazing and weird.

As I kept repeating, "Show me the light", all these thoughts that Dana and I have been struggling with came into my mind. School, our lot, direction, waiting, ect ect ect. For those that don't know me well, may not know what these things mean, but please just stay with me. My eyes were closed, my arms lifted up, and suddenly, like a sun peeping out from behind a cloud, a light started to increase in my mind's eye. I quickly opened my eyes to see if that was what was happening, but there was no sun. Just the cloudy day I had been in before. When I closed my eyes again, though, the light was intense. It was so bright, a bright red and orange, beautiful. And so clearly I felt God speaking to my heart. I felt him filling me with a sense of peace and joy. And then he spoke to me saying that my path is much like the labyrinth I just tried to walk. There is a clear path in which I can choose to take. It has been laid out for me, and has been thoughtfully put together. But, much like the path of the labyrinth it may be unclear or covered in snow. But to be assured that spring is coming and all will be revealed. Path. Direction. Dana. Lot. All these words repeated in my mind over and over. And then as suddenly as it had started it stopped and all that was left was a sense of peace and clarity.

I truly believe that God spoke to me that day and gave me a gift of peace as to what is going to come. The biggest thing I felt that day though, was that there was always a path laid out. God has had this plan all along. He was just waiting for me to choose it. And so, I feel like we have made the choice to finally start listening to God's promptings. The story does continue, there is still so much more to tell. But I will leave you here today. Partly because I want you to come back and visit my blog again and partly because my kids have been left to fend for themselves for long enough and it's time for me to go back to being a mom.

God bless you, and may you listen to what God is prompting you.

Heels and a Mini Skirt

2010-11-20T00:35:00.002-06:00

I just came home from a fabulous night out with the girls. I love fridays for this exact reason. Our Girls Nights are always so rejeuvinating and revitalizing. Tonight was just appies and a movie. We enjoyed good conversation over really good food. A new friend joined our table which was fabulous, and I am so enjoying getting to know her. I love these girls. I love woman in general. That may be a real riskay thing to post on the internet, but seriously, I find woman to be authentic and raw. We share intimate details about specific feminine issues openly with one another. We share frustrations we have with our spouses and in the same sentence gush over how much we can't live without them. We love connection so much that we linger at the table with our coats on just so we can talk one minute longer. I love it.

After dinner, we went to see a movie, "Morning Glory" with Rachael Adams. I haven't even seen a preview for this flick, and being that we don't have cable, I am pretty oblivious to most goings on in Hollywood. Well, I have to say I laughed through this entire movie and felt oddly connected to the main character. I have no idea why as she was a corporate woman climbing the tower of success with a dash of love interest. I think I felt a sense of longing. A longing for a little of her acknowledgment she received. Status, maybe? I am not sure, but maybe some other stay-at-moms or any woman for that matter can relate when I say sometimes I want be the one in the heels and mini-skirt running across the courtyard! As I write this I am wearing sport socks, stretch pants and a sweater. Typical attire for a mom at midnight. I think about my precious children tucked in bed, asleep, sweet sleep. I know that us moms should feel that we have the most important jobs in the world raising our babies and that our acknowlegments come from their smiles, their kisses, their handmade gifts. And trust me, when your daughter looks up at you and says she wants to be just like you, you feel like the most important person in the world AND a little overwhelmed by the sense of responsibility that brings. I DO love being a mom. It has brought me such joy and peace and confidence in myself. It has made me realise that I am so much more capable than what I think and my kids know it. I wonder though where this sense of urning comes from, and this sense that we are not 'good enough until' mentality comes from. As I perculated over these meandering thoughts (my attempt at sounding sophisiticated and intellegent, as I spell check away), the song that came over the radio was "In Christ Alone". Wow! Thank you Lord for that. To humble me and affirm me all at the same time. I realise that my worth does not come from the earthly status I recieve from a good paying job or even these little lives that I am shaping. Jobs will come and go and eventually evaporate, and these little lives are shaped by YOU through me, I am only the messenger, the assistant possibly. My worth comes from You. The one that "knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:13). Another favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me, and I will listen to you." He will listen to me? The creator of the universe will listen to me and the thoughts on my heart? How blessed am I? How blessed are we? That we humbled and affirmed by our Father's promises? Tonight, I leave you with the chorus to "In Christ Alone".

"In Christ alone I place my trust. And find my glory in the power of the cross. In every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope is Christ alone."

Here you go Backstreet Boys fans, here is Brian Littrell's version of the song. LOL.

A Haze

2010-10-19T11:34:00.002-06:00

Lately I feel like I have been in one of these. Life seems to be increasing speed, no matter what I do to try and slow down. I have so much on the go. Whenever I think to myself, ok I will stop this so I can focus on this, a little birdie in my head says "WAIT!". And then thoughts flood in like, "Maybe this is what I should be doing" or "You could help someone by doing this" or "Opportunities will open by continuing with this".... And then I am back at square one. Feeling overwhelmed. Life seems to be overwhelming me lately. Here is a small list of what I have been up to: started Infinity Photography (and pretty much booked every weekend until mid November), cleaning houses (for extra money too), MOPS, Social Committee Chair (averages two events a month), Caregroup, Women's Study, Couple Study, Nursery, planning showers, Herbal Magic (doesn't seem like much, but I eat when I am stressed and am stressed out alot lately. not a good combo when trying to lose weight), and just life (kids, being a good mom, being a good wife, keeping up with the household chores, being a good friend, and on and on and on). Overwhelmed. And possibly sinking. I feel like I am on the verge of tears or a breakdown all last week. And this week, just when I thought "You can handle this Susie. You got this." I get sick. Argh! I guess now I am bridging over to venting, but when do you know it's too much or when you need to push yourself? And how do you know what to let go and what you should hold on to? Questions I am struggling with lately. Feelings of being a bad mom, "I should be doing more with the kids, teaching, guiding, having fun". I should be doing more as wife, "cooking, cleaning, loving, encouraging". Is it okay to be doing these things for me when other areas seem to need more attention (the pile of laundry in my basement). How do you balance your life and make these life balancing decisions? Bless me with your insight, your thoughts. How do you do it?

I Promise To...

2010-10-05T16:12:00.005-06:00

On Monday, Dana and I celebrated our 7th Wedding Anniversary (and eleven years together). I thought long and hard about what I wanted to get Dana as a wedding gift. With little to no money in our bank account (mostly no money), and the day approaching fast, I was a little stumped. But then I started thinking about my vows to him that I said seven years ago, and it was so simple.

"I promise to encourage you in the man you are and want to become."

Dana and I got married when we were still fairly young and I purposely put that vow in there knowing that as we "grew-up" we would change. Our values may change slightly, but most certainly our dreams would change as we grow into the adults we wanted to be. Dana proved that over the last three years as he has dug deeper into his faith and searched for purpose in his life. For those of you who knew Dana when he was younger, you would definitely see a change. I remember when we first started dating, he was a skater from the coast that drove an 80's Regal pimped out with hydrolics. We would cruz Summerland Main Street pumping those babies.... ok, well Dana cruised, I cowered. I would sink so far into the passenger seat I would feel at one with the floor. But his smile beamed, he was full of ambition, and had this amazing heart for people. How could I not fall in love?

Dana has gone through several "dreams" since we have been together. From being a skate board manufacturer, a car salesman, and to his current occupation as an electrician. Diverse, eh? That's my man. He has this thirst for knowledge and experience that I truly admire. He is the only one I know that can head a manual on how to rebuild an engine and then do it. But, I am loosing track here, let's get to the point.

Since moving to the prairies, I have seen a light turn on in Dana that truly glows. He is hungry. Hungry for knowledge, for perspective, for the Lord. He has been feeling this inner conflict lately that has him a little dis trot. I truly believe since moving back here, God has been teaching us abundant messages. Many to lead us up to...... service. Serving the Kingdom of God, serving people, serving with love. So when my idea came in my head for his anniversary gift, I was both super excited and scared.

The gift: A Day in the Life of a Student at Briercrest College and Seminary

We headed out for the day, to talk to academic advisers, financial aid advisers, sat in on a class, ate in the cafeteria, toured the facilities, and even looked at the housing offered to young families. We talked to professors, students, and alumni. We talked about academic requirements concerned that Dana may have to take some upgrading courses, but we were assured that his GED is enough and then the pr rep said, "Actually home-schooled students tend to excel and have a strong work ethic as they have been doing their whole lives." (That one's for you Carleen for raising and teaching such an incredibly smart man and giving him this advantage) Every time I looked at Dana he looked elated. Truly he was glowing. And truthfully so was I. I could see our family melding into the community out there, I could see Dana excelling academically, I could see our kids making friends easily. We left feeling high on possibility. Of course, I was thinking this years down the road when Dana is done is journeyman's ticket, but one never knows what God has in store.

I am so proud of Dana, the man he was, the man he is, and the man he is growing to be. I can't believe that in a few years time, Dana will possibly be working towards a degree or even his masters! My cup has runneth over with love him and the God that created him.

"I promise to encourage you in the man you are and want to become."

And here we go...

HM Update

2010-09-23T23:50:00.003-06:00

So I am onto my fifth week on the program, I have dropped from my original weight to 262.1 lbs. as of today and have shred 5" from all over my body. My jeans are fitting looser already and I feel good! The program is getting easier and easier. I am craving less and less. And when I do cheat, which I try really hard not to, I feel it afterward. Which tells me that my body must like the new change. Dana is even starting to see a noticeable change and for him to say something isn't just him loving me if you know what I mean. If he says it, it's true, he has that blunt honesty about him that allows me to take him for his word. LOL. I have been trying some interesting new recipes, but so far my favorite is crispy chicken nuggets, salmon salad with honey mustard dressing, and Susie's dessert concoction (which is made with a combination of yogurt, low fat pudding, frozen berries, and graham cracker crust). It's amazing what you will do to eat a little dessert. And that's that.

5 Lbs. Lighter

2010-09-03T20:13:00.002-06:00

Well, two days late this week for Weight Loss Wednesdays. Not sure the Wednesdays are working out. Maybe it should be called Weight Loss "When I get a free Second". Anywho, this week went well. Not great. No major weight loss. I maintained the 5 pounds from last week. BUT I dropped 2' around my waist and inches off various other parts so I am SO excited for that. I can't wait until I start dropping dress sizes. I only wish you could speed up the process. I have been told there is one way, and it mocks me from across the room just beckoning me to ride it.... the elliptical. Exercise. I use to love playing soccer and keeping fit and now at the end of the day I just want to go to sleep. Actually, any part of the day I could sleep given the opportunity. SO there is where I am this week, on track, but trying to get the motivation to hit the gym sorta speak and resist the all mighty temptation.... greasy McDonalds. I miss their fries. True story.

One Day Late

2010-08-26T20:22:00.004-06:00

No not that! Heavens no! One day late for my new series!

WEIGHT LOSS WEDNESDAYS

I am starting on this journey and seriously committing myself to losing 100 lbs. in one year, so by this time next year I will be back to my high school self. That's the plan anyways. So to start off this post, I am going to be brave and post some before and after shots. Here we go, no snickers!

Full Frontal ... LOL!

Side to Side!

So here is what has gone on this week. I started 'Herbal Magic' on Monday and Tuesday the work began. I know some people have not so good about opinions about Herbal Magic, but I looked into it myself and feel confident that this is the avenue for me. So Monday, I registered, and yes it was a bit of an investment, but some would say worth the investment. The commitment? One year weight loss program, one year maintenance. Herbal Magic believes in teaching their clients to eat 'real food' (or grocery bought non-processed food), coaching and accountability, and natural supplements. There are two roads to go with HM, one is the bars and shakes, the other is supplements. I decided to go for the bars and shakes for two reasons. The first, I love food. The second, it's cheaper. I have one bar and one shake a day, while also monitoring my diet very closely and using the Canada Food Guide to help with portion control. I also have to increase my water intake, eat no sugar, and no canned food or salt. So I have been eating the best I have ever eaten in years. And oddly enough, not feeling starving as I thought I would. When I start to feel hungry, and I have already consumed my meal or snack, I drink a glass of water and it passes. My coach says that often we eat because we are thirsty and most people are severely dehydrated. And that's the other part of this road to success, is that I have to go in for coaching. To start off with, I have to go everyday for two weeks. And then after, three times a week. Some people would find this a hassle, but I honestly am so grateful for the accountability, the fresh food ideas, and encouragement this brings to the program. The girls who work here are simply wonderful and so understanding. They work with you to plan your meals so it works for you. I have gotten so many ideas on how to beat cravings; such as, make your protein shake into a smoothie with fruit and non-fat yogurt OR even pudding by using half the water. Still just as creamy as the regular stuff, but not cheating. Also, by cutting up my protein bar and putting it in the fridge, I get a chewy chocolate treat whenever the craving hits. These tips have definitely helped as I am a major sweat-a-holic. So every Wednesday they take measurements, too many to keep track, but every week I will share my running tally. And every visit they weigh in and cheer "woo-hoo" if you drop. At first I thought this was kinda of cultish, but now I think it's kinda great that you have a whole office cheering for you.

So to end my first Weight-Loss Wednesday post my starting weigh-in and where I am today.

Starting: 274.5 lbs.
Today: 268.7

Total Loss to Date: 5.8 lbs.

The Beginning

2010-08-17T00:06:00.006-06:00

After a very long drive from Medicine Hat, AB to Summerland, BC we arrived safely and very tired at my parents house. The start of a very busy vacation. We spent the first few days with my family, eating, visiting, playing cards. I love this shot of Elijah, it's like he is saying "Papa, you're number one!"

I love that my parents like playing cards. I am little bit card crazy. I love playing cards. ALL THE TIME. It was great relaxing, laughing, and chatting over a game.

We then went to Keremeos to visit with the whole Family Clan at my Aunt's Winery (which is so amazing). I can close my eyes and see when it's all done, bustling with business as the customers flock to this hidden treasure.

It was delicious food and great company. And surprisingly no one got wet... Uncle Bob never pulled out the big guns. But the cousins played...

Crazy Great Auntie's Cuddled... I love this picture of my Auntie Gerry!

And of course, the guest of honor, my Grandma. It was her birthday and she celebrated with all eight great grandchildren at her feet. So amazing to me that our kids will have that memory with their great Grandma. So awesome!

I have lots more pictures to share, so stay tunned. I have to do this in parts.

He Beat Me to the Punch!

2010-07-12T08:57:00.002-06:00

Dana posted some videos of the kids. Check them out here and here. You are going to LOVE them!

Summer Frenzie!

2010-07-09T16:07:00.002-06:00

I have abandoned blogging and all things indoor and fled to the outside. In between rain storms, the kids and I run to water parks, beaches, backyards for a bit of summer fun. We have been so busy and have a crazy summer still ahead. But I love it. I have been meaning to blog about several adventures and spectacular moments we have had so far this summer, but to find the time and the time to sit and wait for slogger blogger to upload pictures.... well to say the least it ain't going to happen. But a few highlights in a few words maybe...

Kynan and Ava played soccer this spring and ended their season with a tournament. Due to Family Craziness, we could only do one tournament so Ava had to forfeit her field time. Don't worry folks. I highly doubt she missed it. Every game was like dragging led foot godzilla on the field only to watch her catch ladybugs. No. It was much more fun to cheer on her big brother as he progressed from the semi-finals to the finals and finally won the tournament complete with trophy and pictures. All this was accomplished with only one small lecture on doing your best ALL the time, when Kynan faked an injury to come off the field saying that the coach told them they would get a trophy even if they lose. Oh sorry, did I say small lecture, I meant big. But it payed off because he marched back on the field, got an assist, cheered for his team, and came off feeling like he really contributed. God is good at teaching us life lessons isn't he.

And then there was our Family Camping Trip which turned into a hotel trip when we realized that we were literally getting eaten alive by bugs. An hour after setting up our site the kids were scratching and crying to go home. But again God saved the day when our dear friends who were with us recommended staying at a hotel with a water slide which ended up being the kids highlight of the trip. We did venture back to the beach the next day, where we spent the day lounging the sun, eating sand, and burying the kids (as octopus and a mermaid). Again, pictures would really help tell this story, but maybe later.

Since then we have had an impromptu visit to the spa one rainy afternoon, and a great excursion to the beach for greasy fish and chips (so yummy). It's been a fabulous summer so far with only more fun on the horizon. Here on the prairies, we have really learned how to maximize our summers if you know what I mean.

"I Know Mommy"

2010-06-17T08:41:00.005-06:00

Last night after tirelessly trying to put Ava to bed, we thought we had success. So, I curled up in my bed with a snack and a movie and finally began to relax for the day. Not even a moment later a sleepy head with tangled curls poked her head in my door and with a sheepish grin asked what I was watching.

Rather than being frustrated, which would have been a usual response if I was telling the truth, I smiled and invited her in for a late night movie date. I love our dates. They usually spontaneous and very special. Well, as I was stroking her hair, I was feeling incredibly blessed to be her mom and whispered in her ear, "You are beautiful, Ava"

She smiled back and said, "I know mommy" So matter-of-factly, so confidently, like I was so silly stating something so obvious. I love her confidence and determination. It is my prayer that her confidence stays with her as she grows into a girl and eventually a young woman. God created her perfectly in every way and because she is beautiful. I love you my beautiful girl.

It's My Party

2010-05-25T18:53:00.007-06:00

On Saturday, we celebrated Ava's Birthday with a Cupcake Party. Girls came over decorated cupcakes, ate icing, wore adorable aprons, and sang songs. Ava was in her glory shoveling as much icing and candies into her mouth before anyone realized that her cupcakes were undecorated. She had a blast and it's hard to believe now that my little girl is 3! She even seems bigger in these last few days. And, yes, I shed a little tear when she mounted her "Big Girl Bike". Happy Birthday Cupcake!

As Sweet As Can Be...

2010-05-18T21:00:00.008-06:00

Ava Lily is three!

I can't believe three years ago, we welcomed your little soul into the world, into our family and into our hearts. You have blessed us beyond measure in your short little life. You make us giggle, you challenge us, you warm our hearts, you make us better parents, you bring joy to our family.

There is so much to say, but no words to say it. I could talk endlessly about how you have changed our lives and what an amazing little girl you are. Instead, may I wish you a sweet and wonderful third Birthday. Know that you are loved (now I am going to run back up stairs for the 5th time tonight and "try" to get you to go to bed. Lord help me!)

Praying for Timing

2010-05-17T01:14:00.002-06:00

It was two years ago that we bought this beautiful lot in Summerland BC with big plans to build and start a life where I grew up. Plans quickly changed when our hearts changed and we felt called back to Regina. Called and now waiting. Waiting for several things. Waiting for Dana to complete school. Waiting for our lot to sell in Summerland. Waiting for God to reveal his plans for us here. Waiting.

I do feel like we were led back here for a reason and we have been so blessed since following that call. All of our prayers have been validated through relationships, scripture and prayers. We have confidence in the Lord that we are where He wants us to be. But know let's jump back to this lot....

Why hasn't the lot sold. Some have told us it is because that God will sell when it is in His timing and it will be for some grand reason. Others have blamed the market. Either way, I wish I could say I am a patient woman, but I need to exhaust all possibilities in order to rest. So if you know of anyone who is interested in building, relocating, or even in a project.... please leave your email in my comment box and I will send you all the particulars. Or check out this link, and read it for yourself. Paradise is only a click away.... LOL.

I will get off my sales pitch now... thanks for humoring me.

Singlehood

2010-05-14T14:21:00.003-06:00

So I never realized how much work is involved with being a single mama. Since Dana has left for school, I have gotten just a taste of single-hood and it tastes bitter. I had these grandeur plans of sewing and scrapbooking in the evening and playing with the kids during the day. Keeping up on my chores and maintaining an orderly home. And capturing memories watching my children joyfully play soccer in the evening. Of course, this is not the case. I have done NO sewing or scrapbooking in the evening. Instead I frantically try and run around and clean up from the day. Dishes, check. Counters, check. Floors, check. Toys, check. Laundry..... do later. The orderly home only happens because I do it when the kids are asleep. Then when 9:30-10pm hits, it's off to bed as morning comes early in our home. And joyfully watching the kids play soccer??? HA! Ava goes limp whenever she crosses the white line on the field. She is far too interested in the lady bugs and what Kynan is doing to chase after some dumb ball. She was even right in front of the net, wide open and a teammate passed to her. She didn't even look up. The ball, and the entire team, passed her by and she was still looking at the ground (probably for ladybugs). This would all be fine, cute and a wonderful part of growing up, IF I didn't have Eli crying in the backpack because he is just so tired OR Kynan running off with who knows who going who knows where. An hour soccer commitment quickly turns into an eternity of H-E- 'double hockey sticks'. But there are things I have enjoyed: a bed to myself (Well not entirely, Kynan sneaks in with me but at least he doesn't snore), being able to watch movies and shows that only I really like, cooking what I want, and not really worrying about what I look like (I like to dress up for my man... when I can). And I have enjoyed having the kids all to myself. They really have taken the adjustment rather well and I am so proud of their 'helping out' attitude. {It's all a facade. I HATE it and I desperately want my husband home} So all in all.... only 6 more weeks and 2 and a half more hours to go. Does anyone have a time portal?

Missing Him Already

2010-04-28T21:59:00.003-06:00

I was gonna post here about something that is happening over the next two months that is going to leave me very tired, drained, and lonely BUT then I thought of my MOPS meeting we had this morning and thought otherwise. Our MOPS meeting was about emergency, home, and internet safety. Mr. Gulak offered some great tips on internet safety and what to post and what not to post.... so let's just say... I already miss him and please pray for strength, energy, patience, and help.

Dear Dana

2010-04-26T23:40:00.013-06:00

Today I was driving home and this song came on the radio. It made me think of you. And us. And the fifty (or more) years that we get to spend together. It made me think of all the reasons I love you.

It made me think of the times that we use to rent movies and sit on your mom's couch, eat ice cream, and talk. The times when I would stare at your house on the hill from my friends window and think to myself, "I'm gonna marry him one day" (before you even knew I wanted you). It made me think of our love story and how it has unfolded over the years. How many have had their doubts, but we had each other. Some thought that 16 was too young to fall in love and find forever, but I found it in you.

I love what you said to me when you knew it was forever..."infinity". Etched in my mind is the moment you stole my breath away with our first kiss. Little did you know that I actually had dreamed of that kiss every night for over a year before it actually happened. Our romance felt like a tornado fueled by passion. Feels like. I loved watching you hold baby Jalana, and knowing in my heart that one day you would be the father of my children. Little did I know (and still know) how many there would be ;)

I love that look at my with your adoring eyes and make me feel like the most beautiful woman that you have ever laid eyes on. Even when I don't think I am, you make me feel like I am. I love that you search for my hand when we walk side by side. I love that you feel like you have to protect me from people and situations. I love the way you pray for me everynight. I love when you are planning a surprise for me. You can't hide you excitement. While I may not know the exact details, I know something is coming... and I love that.

I love that we can laugh, cry, get angry, and feel passion all in one night. I know that forever means forever with you.

I love how you father our children. The strong man you are for our family. And for me. And even through my selfishness you love me. I love your heart. Your heart for others and for the world. If only people could glimpse what I see, they too would know how much they are loves. I love having God fearing husband who is not afraid of his faith. I love walking this journey of faith with you.

My heart is sick with love you. Even when I feel like there are a million things you could have done today to make me less mad at you... I love you. I can't stand to be mad at you. I love how that's ok with you. I love that you know me so well you can read me like a book. Better than I read myself.

You know instinctively what I need and when I need it. And while I may not always agree with you, you almost always are right.

I love that when faced adversity and people telling you that chose wrong, you still chose me. I will be forever grateful for that you have no idea.

I love you smile, the lines around your eyes, you freckles, your chest (hair and all). I love the gray hairs that are starting to speckle your profile. I love you smell.

I am so blessed to be able to spend eternity with. An eternity with someone who God designed specifically to compliment me in every way. Someone who will love me unconditionally, someone to laugh with, to cry with, someone to hold me, to protect me, to heal me, to uplift me. Someone to challenge me, to stretch me, to shape me, to guide me. Someone to love passionately. Selflessly. Carelessly. Completely.

I am blessed to be your wife. And I love you for infinity.

Love Me xoxox

There are moments...

2010-04-22T21:59:00.010-06:00

There are moments that I look back on decisions made and events passed that have led us to here, and wonder what it would have been like...

What it would have been like if we chose to live near family. All that comes with it. The love and support with raising children, the relationships being formed in these little lives, the traditions celebrated and embraced, the moments... Those little ones where life happens.

This last week I have the 'ping' in my heart for family. I have wanted to just through the kids in the van for road trip. To play cards and talk with my mom, go for the Emu walk with Baba, to watch cousins play, and be surrounded by family.

We are so blessed where we live to be surrounded by friends who loves us and our kids. Who really have welcomed us into their homes and who loves us unconditionally... but there is something to be said about family, these people who God predestined us to be connected to for our entire lives. Regardless of geographical location, or marriage status, or even if you are 'liked'..... we are a family. There is something so beautiful about that.

I guess my goal in sharing this is that even though Dana and I chose to live at a distance and we are affirmed in that choice daily, we do wish to convey that love we hold for our dear family who loves us across prairies, over mountains, through foothills. You are missed very much and there are days we wish you were just a walk away.

God bless you.

Not much more I can say. Even as I type this, tears fill my eyes. Someone told me today that it is okay to miss 'home' and be happy here. But I DO miss you very much and long for the next time we will embrace.

I love this song! I feel like it is our entourage to our family. I hope you like it too.

My Little Ladybug

2010-04-16T14:17:00.003-06:00

She is adventurous, fearless, confident, independent, gentle, happy, incredible little girl. She fills my day with laughter and love (and a few timeouts). She is the kind of girl, who loves to dress up like a princess, and once she is all dressed up she will throw her boots on and go jump in puddles. She sings in the car, brushes my hair, loves to paint and draw, and LOVES bugs. These are some shots of her in our garden (or should I say mud pit). She discovered a worm and was so fascinated with it. I am so proud of her and the little woman she is growing into. One look into her eyes and you just know she will stop hearts (Dana is already worried), but she has a heart of gold. She is my biggest challenge, but one I could not live without. I love her so very much and when she blesses you with a hug.... you literally melt.

What makes me drool???

2010-04-14T13:01:00.004-06:00

Well, other than my husband ;) these muffins do.

Amanda posted on facebook that she was going to try the recipe and I had to do some baking for MOPS so I thought I would give them a whirl too. And whirl I did. These are the best muffins. I ate four in one sitting!!! Four! And then I stood up to get some more... LOL! If you love muffins as much as I do, this is a must have recipe for your collection. Check it out at Pioneer Woman (I totally love her site, one stop shop sorta blog).

I also was feeling very "Susie Homemaker" yesterday so I decided to make my all time favorite breakfast muffins, Good Morning Muffins. All in all it was a delicious day, but ask me if I got my laundry done? ..... I think you may know the answer.

A Night that is Noteworthy

2010-04-11T10:00:00.002-06:00

It's Sunday and I have only gotten out of bed to pee, get Elijah from his crib when Dana didn't make it in time, a quick MOPS meeting on Saturday (which was hugely successful and I cannot wait for the retreat), AND this morning... I snuck out of bed to do some dishes and load the dishwasher. I can't stand it when things are left for Monday, and Dana was at church so no harm no foul. I feel rested and feel like I have gotten alot accomplished, strangely. Take for instance my blog. I, for the life of me, could never figure out how to change ANY settings. But on Friday I took some online tutorials and voila. I also edited some pictures and posted some "oldies" from Christmas on facebook.

As for the Nursing Honeymoon, things are slow going, but good. Elijah has been nursing more and more. And even last night, without prompting, he got up three times to nurse. Which sucks for the whole sleep deprivation, but is great for the milk supply. Not much has changed with the pumping content, but when he nurses he has milky lips which I feel is a start, right? He is still not fully satisfied and we have been "topping him up" with formula. But, we are going to try to continue this shindig the rest of the week (minus the bed thing.... not possible without Dana).

A side note on how I am feeling. I had a minor breakdown last night. I feel like I have been doing nothing but nursing and pumping all weekend. I feel deflated, literally. And a little like a failure. I know that breastfeeding is best, and that formula is not "Death potion" so if it came to having to give a him a bottle it's not the end of the world. But, for me, I would feel like I failed yet again. I feel like I let Ava down by not pursuing nursing with her and being more committed. And that it's happening again with Eli. On one hand it's crazy to me that us moms beat ourselves up over every little thing and if we don't do it a certain way, or like some other people, we feel like a less worthy mom. Because that isn't true. Every mom (that I know) does her best for her children with everything she has. Doesn't that make her a mom superhero? But then lingering on my other hand is all my plans, visions and dreams on what kind of mom I want to be. For the most part, I am those things. I play with my kids, teach my kids, we have fun, read more, watch TV less, play outside, make friends, we have an inviting home for other families/ kids, Dana is number one and the kids see that, and most importantly our children know that they are unique creations of God and designed for a purpose. They know they are a part of something much greater than ourselves..... so does it REALLY matter how my baby gets nourishment as long as he is healthy, and safe in my arms? A question I have been flipping between this weekend.

A Nursing Honeymoon

2010-04-10T11:12:00.002-06:00

After having a delightful tea and play date with my good friend Jen yesterday, and sharing my woes of breastfeeding gone bad tales, she shared with me the idea of a "Nursing Honeymoon". For the last two months, we have been supplementing Elijah with formula (gasp) as I have felt like I have not had enough milk. And I know there are some mom's out there thinking, that is a common misconception; however, when your baby cries all night and you are only able to pump drops... and I do mean drops, then I believe it is a pretty accurate assumption. But my heart longs to nurse. I nursed my first born until he was 2 years or so, and had such a wonderful nursing relationship with him. When Ava came along, things started out the same blissful way, but the quickly digressed and I may have "given up" too soon with her. I don't want to do that with Ligey. I want to exhaust all avenues to bring my breast milk back up. I have been pumping for a week now, every two hours, and always offering the breast first to Elijah. With not much luck and still only drops in the bottle, I felt deflated. That is until Jen gave me this idea. So off Dana went last night to pick up Mother's Milk Tea from Groovy Mama, and Blessed Thistle and Fenugreek Seed from the Health store, along with tons of soup, tea, movies, magazines and Popsicles for a treat. The goal: to stay resting (in bed), nourished (eat well), hydrated (lots and lots of water.... and Popsicles ;), and most importantly nurse. Elijah and I have already reconnected with lots of skin on skin time, sniffing his baby scalp, and snuggles, giggles, and sleep. Even if this doesn't work to bring in my milk supply, it has been great reconnecting with Eli. So, maybe some of you mom's are wishing you would have thought of this, a whole weekend in bed being served and treated like a nursing goddess. I know! Thanks Jen! I am sure Dana loves you too.

Our Hope is in You

2010-03-18T08:56:00.000-06:00

There are so many miracles happening around us that we are so unaware of. Yesterday, I got to hear of one and it touched my heart so completely, I wept. I wept when she told me about it, I wept when I got home, and tear up just at the very thought of it. God changes lives. He changes our whole lives. He amazes me. When we choose to put our trust in Him, He transforms our whole perspective. The way we live, the way we think, the way we handle difficulties, the way we handle joy. Today I praise my heavenly father and exult Him for the miracles He blesses us with.

I pulled this as my verse to remember today and felt compared to share it. Maybe it will touch your heart and open a door or a window you never knew existed.

"The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to those who seek Him."
-Lementations 3:25 NIV

Caught in the Act

2010-03-09T20:42:00.000-06:00

Comparison Game

2010-03-01T11:22:00.001-06:00

I took some infant photos if my friends new baby, Caleb. He is about two weeks old. I thought the comparison to my own kids was hilarious.

My Monkey is 4 Months!

2010-02-23T20:28:00.000-06:00

Can you believe how fast time has flown by? I can't believe in a month and a half we will be feeding this babe something other than breast milk, that sooner rather than later he will be crawling and we will need to baby proof all over again, and more certain than not our love for him grow a zillion times over with every passing moment. Elijah has fit right into our little family being the perfect baby. He is full of smiles and wonder. He loves looking at his siblings with amazement. He is patient when he needs to be. Already I see such wisdom in his little eyes as he observes the world around him. Kynan and Ava couldn't be more thrilled to have him and truth be known, I think Kynan is counting down until he can wrestle with him. He is so excited to show his little brother all about being brothers. For now though, the kids are so gentle with him: loving him at every opportunity. Elijah is sleeping wonderfully, going to sleep anywhere between 8-10:30pm and sleeping through most nights until 5am for a quick nurse. Some nights are worse than others, now that the little monkey is teething, but I actually don't mind. It's in those quiet moments alone together that we get our most precious moments with each other so I breathe them in. I am so in love with this little dude it's not even funny. I mean just holding him makes you want to have another baby if you already have a child, or just plain want a baby. No joke. Just hold him and you will see. He has that effect. It has been a busy 4 months and I am certain it will only get busier, but no matter how exhausted or over whelmed I feel I am in awe of what wonderful blessings God has given me.

My Prince

2010-02-05T21:07:00.000-06:00

So today my little prince melted my heart three times, so I thought I would share his tender thoughts with you:

1. "Mom, you know all the people in the world that don't have food. Well, when I am older I am going to make a machine that makes food out of water. That way no one will ever be hungry. And I will have a pet monkey." {This is the invention from the movie, 'Cloudy With a Chance of Meetballs'. But he put thought behind it about the starving children.}

2. We had just finished reading, 'Magic Hockey Skates', and he said "Mom, if I had magic skates I would rub them and ask to be like Daddy. So sweet!

3. Then, as I tucked him into bed he asked if I would sleep with him as he always does when I tuck him in, he opened his arms and said "You can sleep in my arms mommy." Doesn't that melt your heart.

2010-01-28T14:39:00.000-06:00

The last few weeks has been an eye opener for me as a mom, a woman, and a sister. As a mom I realised that I just don't have enough hours in the day. I mean it has been weeks since my last post. I usually check my email once a week. I mean I do all the important things well. Better than well. I am an excellent mom. Some may not agree, and it even took me a long time to realise that myself. But I am. I love my kids and they always come first. I have realised that I may not have the time to do all the things I want to do, but I have all the time in the world to do the things I am called to do. Being a mom is a ministry. It is something you are called to. Weaving integrity and character into these little lives, teaching them values that they will 'hopefully' hold dear to for the rest of their lives. What could possibly be more important? I am a mom. And that's a wonderful thing.

I have also learned that I am too hard on myself and care too much. I allow other people to drag me down, with their false ideas of who I am. Even if it is only one person, that one person's opinion can scar me. But worse, I allow it to. Rather than focusing on where my worth comes from, and all the other wonderful people in my life who truly know me. Who have taken the time and don't judge me for my faults or mistakes. But embrace me for who I am. I truly blessed to have people in my life like that. Who will pull me out of the mud. And I am even blessed to have that one person in my life who will try to pull me down, to remind me how blessed I am to have those who don't.

And for those who know me, make me feel so blessed. This week I was paid the highest compliment from my sister. She made me feel like I was her sister. So much so that it made me cry. We are sisters, not by blood, but by marriage and I am so blessed and overjoyed that she sees it that way too. Both of our lives are enriched because of that. Thank you so much TM, you have no idea how much that meant to me.

Here are a few snap shots of our life in the last month or so. No Christmas shots, no post about Kynan (yet), just our life. I guess I am too busy just enjoying life.

A Moment Frozen in Time

2010-01-09T01:23:00.000-06:00

Tonight while at my girlfriends house watching a movie, I snuggled with my little precious angel boy who gazed back at my adoringly. For a moment time stood still as a looked right into his very essence. Many thoughts ran through my mind in that moment that seemed to last minutes. How handsome he is. How he one day will be someone's husband. I wondered who he would be when he grows up. But most prominent and immediate thought was, there's Dana. He looked so much like Dana in the eyes at that moment it melted my heart. It reminded me why he is here to begin with. Because I am in love with an incredible man who loves me for who I am and believes in my far more than I believe in myself. He stands by me through the storms and the rainbows and the big blue sky days. I am so blessed to not only have him in my life, but also little prodigals of him too. A little Kynan, a little Ava, and a little Eli. So blessed.

PS: I know I am missing alot of posts. Like one for Christmas, New Years, Kynan's Birthday and all the moments in between, but just for tonight I thought I would share this moment.

A Proud Mom

2009-12-21T13:46:00.000-06:00

Some updates of Eli...

Here's our Church Preschooler Production... To see a video go here

Kynan's School 'Snow Biz' Production...

Some Family Pictures...

Kynan Actually took this one of us... I think a making of a great photographer!

2009-12-11T15:59:00.000-06:00

I really want to post some pictures of all the things we have been doing, but there is no time. So you all will have to settle for a list post.

-Christmas tree is up after going to Moose Jaw tree farm. No reindeer this year, but some super friendly 'horses ate our popcorn. And yummy Deja Vu for lunch.

-The tree is adorned with our traditional handmade Christmas decorations, dating all the way back to 1981.

-Kynan learned to snowbird, and so did Ava. In the new year we plan to take them to the mountain.

-Bundling three kids up to walk to school in minus 35 degree temperatures as me seriously contemplating homeschooling. NO joke.

-I handmade over 100 Christmas cards this year. Again, no joke. Laundry is piled up and house is a disaster, but the cards are done. Ya, my priorities are dead on.

-Surprise visit from Uncle Bob made our week. We love company!

-I can't wait to start all our other Christmas traditions: movies, cookies, dinner with friends, caroling, playing in the snow, making crafts. I love Christmas.

He Smiles!

2009-11-23T13:17:00.000-06:00

Time seems to be flying so quickly. I can't believe my little monkey is already a month and two weeks old. And smiling! Soon he will be giggling, and drooling away as he crawls after the other two. I want to hold on to these precious moments when all he does is snuggle, nurse, gaze lovingly into my eyes, and sleep. He is my snuggle monkey and I want to keep him that way! Life with three is definitely an adjustment, more so I am finding then when baby number two was born. Basically, I am out numbered. And Ava is high energy, high need all the time. Elijah has been great as far as letting me tend to the others, as long as I hold him. LOL. He never wants to be out down. I am slowly trying to get him use to self soothing (that may scare some), but what I mean is that if he is really really really tired and he is changed and fed, but just won't close his eyes- I will lay him down and slowly walk out of the room. If he cried for longer than like 2 seconds, I go back in, rock him a bit, and try again. For the most part, he doesn't cry, he just closes his eyes and sleeps. It has been fabulous to know he can fall asleep on his own. And he even is starting to like his swing a little more. I still think we need to invest in a really good front pack of some sort, but that will have to wait a little longer. But getting back to the adjustment part of things. I usually love to be out and about. Am doing stuff all the time, like cleaning, baking, cooking, crafting, ect ect. I like to run errands and go about the town. But since having Elijah, I have turned into a hermit and only exit the house under extreme necessity and even then it is restricted to one or two children and no longer than two hours. Grocery shopping with three is impossible as I see it right now. And stopping at more than two stops in one outing is exhausting. So we stay home, Kynan plays outside, Ava and I do stuff inside. And basically hardly get dressed. It has been an adjustment, but one I am really enjoying. I actually think I have found the joy in mothering with baby number 3. Having Elijah has slowed me down, prioritize what is important and be more purposeful with my daily activities. I think more about how much attention the other two are getting, and so when we have time alone together we do more engaging activities. Because we don't have alot of time to do fun things or games, I turn those tedious chores into games and we end up getting nothing done! LOL. But still, the house seems to get cleaned, dishes get done, laundry gets put away, and life goes on. At my baby shower for Elijah a seasoned mom said to me: "Look at being a mom as your life ministry. What you are doing right now with your children is part of God's plan for you. This is His purpose for you right now. So, in the middle of the night when you are up for another feeding, or when you are folding the umpteenth billion piece of clothing remind yourself this is for His kingdom." I have to say, that it works and has put a whole different perspective on parenting for me. I have more patience, more energy, and more love for what I do. So no wonder we are all smiles.

Annoying

2009-11-16T14:23:00.000-06:00

Things that are annoying me today...

1. A husband who didn't flush...ewww! (Self explanatory)
2. A VERY slow computer (means loading pics an eternity which I don't have)
3. A stack of laundry to be put away. (means more chores to do)
3. A stack of mail to be sent.(means I have to go out at some point today)

And for good balance...
Things I am thankful for...

1. A great visit with a friend. (means I got to talk about something other than transformers or pony's)
2. Ice Cream and Pie (for obvious reasons)
3. 2 sleeping babes and 1 at school (again, obvious)
4. Clean underwear

Visit With Grandpa & Baba

2009-11-12T19:08:00.000-06:00

Moments Like These...

2009-11-03T01:22:00.000-06:00

There have been so many sweet moments over the last three weeks, but I wanted to share just a few with you as it is 1:30am and my monkey man is finally sleeping.

1. Last night Kynan was not wanting to go to bed when he was told, so he was sitting up with us. He asked to hold Elijah. Dana and I were looking at with such adoration, as he tenderly rocked his baby brother. Dana caressed Kynan's head and said, "One day you are going to make a great dad." Kynan replied with, "I know. Just like you, dad." No joke! Dana and I instantly teared up and started to spout full on waterworks. Dana looked at me and said, "He can stay up as late as he wants."

2. Ava, my darling princess, was needing some mommy time at 2am one morning this week. So I, exhausted, fell into her bed and almost cried, "Pleeeeease go to sleep, baby girl." To which she replied as she cupped my cheek, "Ok mommy. I just wanted to say I love you."

3. Elijah has been a little cranky this week with a runny nose. We were up for one of his feedings and he decided it was day time and it was time to talk. His wide eyes would not fade, until I started humming and then gently singing to him. He slowly was lulled to sleep by the sound of my voice. None of my other kids enjoyed being sung too, but Elijah LOVES it. And I adore that he does.

4. Tonight, I had alot of computer work to do. So I nursed Elijah and handed him to his capable father. Immediately Elijah starts to cry. Dana hands him back and I nurse again. Dana takes him. Elijah cries. I take him and rock him. He falls asleep. I know Dana is hurt at this point, asking me what he is doing wrong, but I secretly love that Elijah snuggles me. LOVE IT!

5. This is not really a 'moment' more than an epiphany really. Having three lovely children for three blissful (and sleepless) weeks has taught me a few things:
-there will always be laundry so don't sweat if your not 'caught up'. That term does not exist anymore.
-you can operate on 2 hours sleep, but your child may go out without matching socks or shoes for that matter.
-you may show up at church with your shirt inside out and most definitely your hair will not be washed for at least 3 days.
-tv is your friend (no matter how much you try not to use it)
-sleep when the baby sleeps is a fantasy
-you have no brain after kids. Seriously.
-you may find yourself calling your mom umpteen billion times in the course of an hour asking how to do simple mundane tasks because you simply cannot remember... again note the no brain comment.
-you are extremely talented and gifted if you can get dressed before 10am
-the love you have for your husband has never grown so fast and furiously over three weeks. I seriously look at this man, and think to myself, how did I ever get so lucky.
-That being said, there will be moments that you think to yourself, 'Do I have three children, or 4?' Especially when you find a pile of dirty diapers on the dresser, an empty toilet paper roll, him using liquid soap in the dishwasher and wondering why it's not working, ect....
-And then finally, you learn to laugh and relax because there really is nothing more you can do. Chores will be left undone, the laundry will always be a load (or two or three) behind, and the baby (or other children) will have to cry at some point. And that's okay. You can handle it because you are a mom.

It's moments like these that make me thankful to be a mom. Thankful to be a wife. Thankful to have a mom. Thankful to be a daughter.

Happy Harvest Time!

2009-11-01T15:09:00.000-06:00

Okay... so this is going backwards. But on Halloween, we went out twice. Once to the mall with some MOPS pals. And then again out around our neighborhood. Below is the kids basking in the glory of their loot! Thank goodness they have an insane father who will push the limits when it comes to trick or treating. Two hours in minus 12 temperatures with two toddlers....brave man.

Elijah's 'Boo' bum. Thanks Margaret and Shane... he wore your sleepers every day this week.

Ava dethawing in the sink after trick or treating. I literally had to run the warm water over her hands and feet to get her back to regular human temperatures. Again, thanks Dad! LOL!

Ava went in the evening as a lioness. She had the roar down pat. Here she is in all her bundled beauty.

Kynan decided he wanted to be a Monster Truck, so Dana made this awesome Monster Truck costume. Complete with working headlights. He even had these awesome trucker sunglasses at the mall, but it was too dark at night to wear them.

My friend, Marcella, made us a fabulous Halloween costume for Elijah. I love it. A lobster. He looked to delicious, I could have just ate him up. LOL.

So when deciding what to where to the mall, Ava vigurously went through our tickle trunk for a costume. I thought maybe a princess, or a singer... maybe even a dragon. This is what she pulled out asking for 'blood paint'. Only my daughter. What can I say, but she marches to her own drum. But she sure did make a scary vampire

On Friday, we had a fabulous fun family day and took the kids to the Hay Maze and then to lunch. It was so much fun. We had lunch at Applebees and then came home to carve pumpkins. In all years past, Kynan has loved carving but this year he didn't want to get his hands 'wet'. Ava on the other hand, was right in there and loved the slimy guts of the pumpkin. She degutted 3 pumpkins and laughed the whole time.

And I will leave you with my darling pumpkin, who has been such a cuddle monkey and I have loved every minute of it.

One Week of Sleepless Bliss

2009-10-19T23:39:00.000-06:00

Exactly one week ago, I was laying in bed, crying, complaining to Dana that I didn't want to be pregnant any more. Little did I know that I would wake up an hour later with startings of labor. Now, I look back on my week and am amazed with the family we have. A 4 year old boy who acts more like a little daddy than the preschooler he is. A 2 year old girl who keeps me on my toes and laughing all the time. And now a precious baby boy who snuggles me any time I want and nestles right into my neck to make me melt. Did I mention that I am married to the sexiest most amazing man to ever walk the earth? Bliss. Blessed. Beautiful. I am lucky.

Burrito Baby and Other Miracles...

2009-10-17T13:35:00.000-06:00

These are really a smattering of pictures taken over the last few days, but to start off with I want to draw your attention to the green sweet pea burrito baby above. For the last 4 days I think we have put Elijah down (not holding him) for a total of like 20 minutes... I love him so much, but this is not why. He does not like to be put down. He can be completely asleep to the point of 'konked out' (as I like to put it). I will creep him into his room, place him in his warm comfortable crib, slowly back out, and as soon as I may head hits my pillow- I hear him. I have been so tired, averaging about 3 hours a sleep a night, I really have been at my wits end. A friend reminded about the miracle workers that perform little acts of miracles for a small fee. We use to live closer to our very own miracle, who performed Kynan and Ava's very first miracles, but he is not accessible this week. So we called the chiropractor and loaded the van up for a family of 5 session with Dr. Ruben. A few other friends suggested that maybe he likes to be bundled and so we tried that too. Last night was the test run and Elijah..... passed with flying colours. He slept a whole hour in his own bed yesterday after his adjustment. And then, we started going to bed around 1am (sounds late, but this is actually early compared to previous nights). I nursed him, bundled him really tight, and tucked him in. From then on, he woke every two hours for a feeding and then went back to sleep in his own bed!!! Which meant, I got about 6 hours of sleep in total last night, which also means I am one happy mama of 3! Here is how we did it:

1. Adjustment from miracle worker (chiropractor) whom now I love and will be dropping off cookies for very soon.

2. Swaddle in receiving blanket.

3. Swaddle in knitted blanket.

4. Wrap in knitted cocoon.

5. Place hat on head.

7. Roll flannel blankets on either side of sleeping area.

8. Place hot water bottle in sleeping area while nursing burrito baby.

9. Place baby in sleeping area (CAUTION: remove hot water bottle first).

10. One final flannel blanket wrapped around whole set up for final cozy effect.

RESULT: Sleeping baby without being held... yay!

Some would think that either our burrito baby is sweltering away under all that, or that our house is an ice box but neither are true. In fact, Dana and I are sweating at night under our one blanket AND Elijah is perfectly warm with no sweat in sight. Go figure. Needless to say, I am super happy now that I am some what functional again (I am not a happy girl with no sleep).

The rest of the pictures are just a smattering of what has been going on here...

Ava news:
She is officially potty trained. We have very little accidents. She goes in the toliet! Only wearing pull-ups at night and on long trips. She got a baby stroller and diaper bag as a reward for her success and she loves it... as you can see her sitting in it above.

Kynan news:
Loves Elijah... he often wants to hold him, sing to him, comfort him. And is very demanding that I nurse as soon as he starts to cry. He has a real 'daddy's heart'.

Dana news:
The only thing I can say about this man is that I am so in love with him and so thankful for him everyday. He has been so helpful this week, not complaining for the lack of sleep he is getting too. He feeds me, makes sure I am hydrated, tries to give me 'cat naps' for as long as possible, and is being the best dad to our older two playing all day with them and never stopping with the pouring out of love. He amazes me and this week reminded me with every moment why I am so blessed to be married to him. I love you Dana-bear!!!

His Story...

2009-10-14T17:51:00.000-06:00

We would like to welcome our newest addition, our son, Elijah John McCallum. He was born at 9:16am Oct 13th at Regina General Hospital. He is beautiful, unique and absolutely precious. This is his story.

Dana and I headed to bed after watching some TV and relaxing. We talked for a bit. Mostly I cried, saying that I am so 'done' being pregnant and Dana consoled me trying to offer any words of encouragement to keep me going. We kissed and then went to sleep. Not long after I woke up (around 12:30am) with the starting of contractions. Thinking it was false labour, as the contractions were not very strong and about 15 minutes apart, I went back to sleep. I floated in and out of sleep for the next couple hours, until it was too uncomfortable. I started timing the contractions again and they were down to about 5 minutes apart, the same intensity as before though. I went and had a shower thinking maybe that would relax me and stop these 'false' labour pains, woke Dana up to message my back, and at about 4am Dana and I went for a walk. At this point, the contractions were still only 4 minutes apart, but much more intense. I was having to breathe through them. The fresh air felt so good on my face, and walking seemed to help. We came back inside, and put on a movie. What better movie to labour to then, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants... LOL. It didn't take long before it was too uncomfortable lying on the couch so I went back up to the bathroom, only for a warm bath this time. Dana started noticing that the contractions were getting a little closer together, but much more intense. That's when we decided, maybe we should go accessed at the hospital. I was still convinced that I was false labour. It was about 6:30am when we left the kids with mom, texted my friend and doula- Jen, and headed out. The labour and delivery ward was buzzing with other women labouring. Apparently, we picked one of the busiest weekends to have a baby. The put me in an assessment room and checked me all out... only 4 cm dialated. All night of labouring, that is not what I wanted to hear. BUT the nurse did say my membranes had ruptured and they would be admitting me, so I was happy to know that my baby was on the way. After the assessment the contraction got much more intense and frequent. We got into the delivery room and I was able to try different positions... I rocked on the ball, went in the tub and eventually squated on the bed to deliver. With only two pushes he was out.... it was fast once I got to the hospital. And he only took two pushes to come out. Basically, it went like this:

Susie; "I need to push!!"
Nurse; "No, no. You are only 7 cm. Let's breathe through this one."
Susie thinks... I hate you.
Next contraction...
Susie; "Okay, I really need to push... I'm sorry... I can't stop..."
Nurse; "No, no, you are not ready. Don't push... oh! There's the head! Okay, the heads out. Let's wait for the next contrac... oh, there's the shoudlers... okay, here's the rest.... It's a boy!"

I always find it utterly amazing that your body just knows what to do. We can say we know, but ultimately our bodies were designed to know better. And thus was Elijah. Perfect in every way. He looks so uniquely different with his round head and fuzzy black hair, but also familar- sharing many characteristics with Kynan.

We only stayed at the hospital for a total of 9 hours and then were allowed to go home. So I was able to have all the comforts of a hospital birth and still sleep in my own bed. It was great. Lunch and dinner provided, and then on my way to the comforts of home. I feel really good, so happy to have Elijah in my arms and not in my belly. This morning I enjoyed a nice nap on my belly for the first time in 9 months... yes, it was heaven. I have had 3 hours of sleep in 36 hours so I am exhausted, but utterly delighted. I have so much more to share, but right now Kynan is yelling at me: "Go get him! He's crying! You are too slow... go now." Elijah started crying 30 seconds ago. LOL.... bliss.

MIA... and Still Waiting

2009-10-10T19:51:00.000-06:00

Well, I have to apologize to my readers because I have been MIA for a few weeks. Hopefully you will forgive me, as I have been preparing to birth my third bambino and finishing up some renovations. Pictures all soon to come, as my little girl broke our card reader and we still have not got a new one. And I am not patient enough to figure out the camera cords.

So the basement is finally finished (minus the bathroom). It looks fantastic. The kids love it. And Kynan especially loves that he knows where all his toys are. Everything has a place and everything in it's place. I know I am geeky, but have been extremely anal retentive lately and even find myself day dreaming about labelers AND labour.....

Which brings me to the 'still waiting' part of my title. Yes, I have officially gone overdue for the third time in my life waiting for a bambino to enter the world. I know that baby's come when they are ready, everything in good time, a watched pot doesn't boil..... but cut a girl some slack already. Can't I just once be one of those lucky pregnant ladies who go into labour early or even 'on time'??? No such luck; however, I just finished the most relaxing message given by my husband. And am ready to settle in for the night. No real contractions, but here is to hoping that baby decides to come soon. Just thought you would all like an update, but I am going to run now and kiss my baby girl good night.

Snip Bits of our Life Recently...

2009-09-22T21:35:00.000-06:00

Guess Who Got Married...

2009-09-18T18:35:00.000-06:00

My little boy has finally grown up and tied the knot. It was an unconventional wedding held at our local Co-Op park. No one was invited except for his bride's best friend to witness. I am not sure what was said, or if rings were exchanged as we weren't invited. Instead, we were just told when he got home for dinner that he was married and we could come the next time. It's hard to believe that he's married!!! lol....

Sweet Moments Like These...

2009-09-03T23:08:00.000-06:00

Dana and I are heading to Saskatoon tomorrow for one final romantic getaway before baby is born. We figure after we have three little ones... romantic getaways will be few and far between. So we splurged and got a Jacuzzi Suite and plan to have lots of and lots of.... SLEEP! What did you think I was going to say????

But because we are going away for the weekend, we thought we should do something special with the kids. So we took them to the movies, Night at the Museum 2. The kids LOVE the first one, and they chose this one. So we got our popcorn and pop (sippy cups enclosed in bag) and went down the hall. The kids grabbed their booster seats. Ava insisted on carrying it herself... of course. The kids were great throughout the movie. They laughed. They asked questions. At one point, two characters were kissing on screen and I leaned into Ava and said... 'they must love each other'. And she looked up at me with her big beautiful eyes and said 'I wuv you mommy.' and then leaned into kiss me. How can you not love that? Especially coming from a girl who reserves her affection for random moments like these. After the movie was done, both the kids said thank you and then proceeded to take the boaster seats back to where they got them.... WITHOUT being asked. What??? Who are these kids. I wish I had a camera because Ava's seat was about the same size as her. Oh and did I mention that Ava went pee on the toliet twice while we were there. I mean, told me she had to go, held it until we got to the bathroom, and went on the toliet! Something she doesn't even do at home.

Tonight I am one proud mama as my kids sleep off to slumber land and I dream of my romantic getaway with lover. It's sweet moments like these.....

Go Riders!

2009-08-28T08:15:00.000-06:00

We have been told since moving to Regina, that we HAVE to go to a Riders game. There is nothing quite like it. The team is awesome and the fans are even better. Well, it turns out that Dana got given tickets (from his generous boss) and so we got to finally go. We arrived early, fought the crowds, and settled into our bleacher seats. The fans filled the stands and you could only see 'green'. People came in full gear, complete with watermelon helmets. It was quite a cool game. And it poured rain. The whole side of my face was frozen from being pelted with rain. It was actually alot of fun and I know Dana was in his glory. But, being pregnant and with an incredibly sore back, we ended up leaving in the 4th quarter. I just couldn't sit anymore. So we went for hot chocolate, but on the way to the coffee shop we listened to the last of the game. When all of a sudden the announcer said, "What's this... a crazed fan has just sprinted bare foot onto the field. Security guards are in pursuit...." Dana just looked at me as if to say, "I hate you!" We both laughed, but I know he would have loved to see that. The things our husbands do for us, eh? But I must give myself kudoos too. I hate watching sports, especially football. I am almost 9 months pregnant. It feels like I have a knife permanently in my back. And it was pouring rain. I think I put up with my share that day too. 'Go Riders!'

A Little Bit of Us...

2009-08-18T13:34:00.000-06:00

Chipped

2009-08-10T00:59:00.000-06:00

I have been trying to find the time to update my blog, so sorry for all those in waiting. Facebook is uploading pictures first... then blogger.

But tonight, I wanted to share a tale about a little girl who has a beautiful smile.... just a little chipped. Dana and I went for lunch after church today and after about an hour, Ava flashed Dana a smile when he noticed her front tooth had a little corner missing. Ava hadn't cried all day, did not fall, did not get hit in the face, but still this chip has alluded us. We figure she bit her sucker, and sucker chunk and tooth chip got swallowed together. Needless to say, her smile now looks a little crooked. But I will admit that it looks kinda adorable, and incredibly suiting of her personality.

Leaving in a Mini Van...

2009-07-17T08:09:00.000-06:00

I am on operation count down. In nine hours approx. we will be on VACATION! I am so excited. The destination.... Alberta. The goal.... fun in the sun. I thought I would leave you all with some pictures of us from Canada Day... I hope you enjoy. See you next week.

Odds and Sodds.

2009-07-06T13:12:00.000-06:00

Lately, I have been feeling an aray of different emotions. I am itching to finish projects and nest. Get creative. And sometimes (only sometimes) I get really emotional and bark orders that is usually followed by crying. That's just me lately. So I thought I would document some of it... the nesting at least. Below are some pictures of me getting creative, domestic and of course the kids.

I have been beading like crazy. To see what I have been working on, check out my etsy site: inspire2create.etsy.com

Some pictures of the kids for good measure...

Proof that I am not completely a black thumb.

My perennial garden... My attempt to grow something.

Ava's new bedroom furniture... Thank you Grandma and Grandma Hoblak!

MY very first quilt that I made for Ava. It's not quilted yet. I still have to do that, but eh??? Pretty good!

Curtains I made. I know! I am super talented. LOL.

My wall decals. This one is one my kitchen wall and I just love it. It makes me giggle every time I look at it. The other one is in our dining room and is from Carleen and Allan. I think it compliments our space perfectly.

A new do...

A better angle...

Belly Shot.... I am being brave and baring all.... well at least my belly band. LOL.

Smells like Bread...

2009-06-30T22:59:00.000-06:00

The kids are finally asleep, Dana went to bed early, and I just finished doing my last chore. The bread is baking, floors washed, dishes done. I'm done. I am listening to my iPod that I got for Valentines' Day for the 2nd time. Sad, I know, but oh so nice. And I am in the mood to write. Can you tell? So, I thought I would give an accurate and complete update of everyone in our home. Including funny anecdotes, new occurrences, and lots of love.

Let's start with Dana. He has been in bed since 4:30pm. No joke. He is not feeling well, and he rarely gets sick, but it always seems when it hits him it hits him hard. So we had soup and buns for dinner, complete with ginger ale and vitamins. He never left the room. But other than that he is doing great and really enjoying work. He is always coming home telling me something about how God used him that day. I have to say I enjoy his enthusiasm, especially at the end of a long day with the kids. He also is in a Men's Bible study that seems to be growing in numbers. They are going through something like "Attributes of a Man". I'm not sure, but they discuss everything from Accountability to Purpose. I usually hide in my room when they are over so I am not sure all of the goings on, but I do know that Dana really likes it. He also sings almost every weekend at church, and sounds quite heavenly if I do say so. I love watching him up on stage, leading others into worship, including me. I am so proud of this man, often runs through my mind. I am so thankful for Dana and all he has been to me. My rock, mt partner, my lover, my everything. Truly everything in the last little while. My back has been so bad, there have been days that he's come home cooked dinner, done laundry, took the kids to the park, bathed them, and given me a message. Slightly pampered, yes I think so. We lean on each other and depend on each other to give us strength when the other doesn't have it. I think of these times as great bonding adhesive. LOL.

As for the kidlets, which is probably who you want to here about, they are mischievous, growing, and determined. They always seem to be on the go, even when we stay at home all day. Always here or there in the house, doing this or that. Kynan is so big and reminds me everyday that he is a Big Boy. He is always saying "I can do it myself" and " Let me try" and "Can I help?" The only time this is frustrating is when you are in a rush, but other than that I welcome the extra help and encourage him to help (even if it makes a little more mess). He also says "I will be 5 soon", which makes me giggle... and choke. What do you mean 5! Where did the time go. Kynan enjoys running through the sprinkler, his water shark, freezies, riding his bike his Daddy sprayed for him (and found in a dumpster... don't ask), monster trucks (Still), puzzles, reading, church, friends, and singing praise songs at the top of his longs. Seriously, all the time, he is singing. I love it.

Ava is a big girl too, complete with a big girl room, big girl underwear and big girl potty. She is just as determined as Kynan, but even more forceful when she demands, "NO! I do it!" and yanks it away (whatever 'it' is). She is still working on the potty thing, but seems to be very interested in it and her new book called 'Once Upon a Potty' which actually shows all the proper parts. Ava now loves pointing out her bum hole. She has fallen madly in love with the book Jillian Jiggs and asks me to read it to her everynight. We even had to go buy our own copy so she would let us return the library's copy. I know the book off my heart now.... "A long time ago when she was quite small, Jillian Jiggs wore nothing at all!" Hay, maybe that's why Ava likes to run around naked! LOL. She loves playing baby, dress up, watching Kynan run through the sprinkler and ride his bike, she loves freezies too, and most food in general. She smiles and says thank you more and more. "Thank you mommy" is enough to melt your heart coming from her sweet lips. And oh, she loves getting her nails painted. And they have to match mine. I secretly love it too. This little girl keeps me on my toes, makes me frustrated one minute and completely melted the next. I'm hooked around her finger, but please don't let her know that.

As for me, I am going and growing. The days seem to blur into each other running after Kynan and Ava, that I sometimes forget about #3 inside. Who has taken to sitting on my tale bone and kicking my groin to get me to slow down. Can you blame them, but still.... COME on! It only seems to kick at night, or that's the only time I am still enough to feel it. My photography class is done and I did a mock photo shoot for some friends and their daughter's graduation night. It was fun, humbling and completely exhausting. I am no professional, for sure. But I will say, on the way home, after feeling completely deflated that things didn't go perfectly as planned or that I didn't have as much control over my camera as I would have liked, I did feel the holy spirit encourage me. Just saying, hang in there, continue to learn and grow and you will succeed. For me, that was big. As I tend to davel in a lot of interests and say I am going to many of them professionally, but I never follow through. I know it's a long LONG ways away, but maybe this is one that will stick. But that's really it. Nothing much else with me. Looking for Dana being home tomorrow and going to the beach with some friends.... that is if Dana is looking less green and more peachy.

Pictures of Ava's room, decorative touches, my somewhat growing garden (yay, I know), photo shoot samples. Coming soon.

Daddy Day

2009-06-23T21:36:00.000-06:00

On Daddy's Day we had a fantastic crepe breakfast, complete with whipping cream, peaches and special Summerland Sweets Blueberry Syrup. Kynan was so excited about the "Summerland Syrup", that he kept telling Dan all through breakfast that it came from Baba and Grandma town. Then we cleaned up and went to the park, one with a hill, as we discovered when and Al and Carleen were out that the kids love to roll and run down the hill. We had a fun few hours, then went garage sale'n for all of three seconds before the kids were conking out. Then Dana headed off to the church for the car show for the rest of the day. It was a fun morning, but busy weekend. Good thing for you... I finally have some pictures to liven up this blah blog.

Ice Cream for sale .... that will be 10 Million Dollars!

Daddy Day Portrait... Ava heard the ice cream truck.

Making Dana Work Out...hee hee... (truly playing with Shutter Speed)

The Spiderman Move...

The New Face...

Best Movie Ever!

2009-06-21T00:20:00.000-06:00

Okay I don't normally promote movies because everyone has different tastes, but if you live in the prairies OR know someone who does.... you HAVE to watch this movie.

It's a cute little love story starring Rene Zellweger and Harry Connick, Jr. and it's filmed in Winnipeg, Mn. Dana and I watched the movie and laughed hilariously at all the cold humor. Then we flipped to the special features only to find that it was filmed only 4.5 hours from where we live. Listening to the stars talk about the cold made me pee (I"ll admit it) laughing.

Watch it!

2009-06-19T14:28:00.000-06:00

I like Jen W's list idea, so I thought I would finally update in list format:

1. Ava pee'd on the potty 5 times last week, so we got all excited to start the training process. I ran out and got her little chick underwear from George (I hate princess generic girl stuff). She was so excited and wore a pair all morning and never had an accident. Then we went through the sprinkler and put a pull up on for nap time. And for the last several days, we haven't been able to stay at home, so pull ups were used and she digressed. Argh. I'm not frustrated with Ava, more with our schedule and I am trying to revamp it so that we have more lazy days at home. Trying, anyways. But yay for Ava for becoming a big girl potty trainer.

2. Big news in Kynan's world was Baba and Grandpa Al's visit recently. It was actually a wonderful visit and way too short. We had so much fun showing them our city and just spending time with them. Kynan spent two nights "camping" with them. I say that in quotations because Al and Carleen have a pretty sweet RV which I think bumps them out of the "camping" category and into the RVing one. But ever since their visit, he has been bugging Dana and I to go camping again. And counting down to the fall, when the baby comes, so that he can see all his grandparents again. It truly was a great visit and tearful goodbye.

3. Dana is going into an extremely busy weekend, with volunteering at our Church's Burn Out Competition called Holy Smoke. Catchy, eh? He's pretty excited about it. Cool cars, burn out competitions, food, and sun. What more could a boy ask for on Father's Day Weekend??? However, I am not. Looking after the kidlets for two straight days, missing my photography class, and doing it with an incredibly sore back. Not my cup of tea. But I love Dana that much... LOL.

4. Speaking of bad back, yesterday I spent laid up in bed after having shooting pains down my legs and barely being able to walk. Not fun. Dana forced me to stay in bed all day, no TV, no magazines, no books, no internet. Boo. But later in the evening, after seeing me almost cry trying to make dinner for the family (it hurt so bad), he called all around the city and found me a message therapist that could take me in 20 minutes. God bless this man. I had 30 minutes of bliss, after which she gave me some stretches to try at home, which helped even more. What love, eh? I am so thankful for Dana. I don't know what I would do without him.

5. Upcoming... not much. Hopefully a small weekend camping trip, but who knows. And hopefully a picture update. No energy right now to wait the hours it takes to upload photos to blogger.... sorry.

Have a Happy Father's Day Weekend. Hope you get spoiled or get to spoil your own daddy.

Pre-K

2009-06-02T15:17:00.000-06:00

Well, a few days ago we toddled over to the local school (which happens to be right behind where we live) to see if they offered a preschool program. We have been trying to find a spot for Kynan somewhere in the city, but would you believe that we have had zero luck. So, someone told me that sometimes elementary schools over such programs. So we walked (Kynan rode his bike) over to the school. As soon as we entered, a flood of memories came roaring back. The smells, the pictures on the wall, the sounds of children laughing and announcements over the PA. This was, of course, not my childhood school, but all these sensations were the same. And then it hit me. That Kynan, my baby, was registering for Pre-Kindergarten.

We met with the teacher, who was about the same age as me and expecting a baby in Oct too. So she explained that someone would be taking her place, but the curriculum would stay the same. She said they would be reinforcing colours and the alphabet, and working on letter recognition, numbers, seasons, and calendars. All the things they cover in Kindergarten, and of course lots of fine motor skills. This is exactly what I wanted to hear. Kynan loves his current pre-school, but just isn't being challenged enough (Kynan would also agree with that statement as he is the one coming home asking me to help him with his letters and demanding that we get him a clock for his room).

So come fall, my baby, my first born, my little man. Will be a Pre-K Kid. Three days a week for 4 hours a day. Strangly, I am not sad, but excited for him and all the wonder that awaits him, adventures to be had, skills to be learned, and friends to be made. I know he is going to do great at his new school and I am excited (and a little nervous) for this new chapter in our lives.

Bye Bye Baby...

2009-05-19T14:05:00.000-06:00

Today we celebrate the birth of my Lily Flower. She came into this world at 9:00 two years ago today. She was a much anticipated arrival. After being nearly three weeks past original due date, I was more than ready to meet her, and a little nervous of the pending induction. But, in true Ava fashion, she came in her own time. I remember the night before giving birth, I sat under the stars praying to God and talking to the sweet baby in my belly. I asked God for strength to handle whatever was to come, and I told the baby of all the people who loved her and wanted to meet him/her. I finally fell asleep at peace with whatever was to come around 1am. I woke around 5am with some cramping, thinking I was in false labour again. I had a bath, read a book, took a nap. Finally around 7am, the contraction were starting to be regular and about 4 minutes apart, I decided to treck to the hospital. Carleen came to watch Kynan. I didn't want to bother everyone, thinking I would be returning soon enough. Carleen took one look at me and said, "You are having this baby!" I assured I would be back within the hour. I was denial all the way to the hospital, checking in, getting evaluated, until finally my doctor told me I would be having the baby within the next hour. It was about 8am at that time and I didn't believe her. I mean, I was uncomfortable, but nothing in comparison to what I felt with Kynan's labour. Well, sure enough, the doctor was right and Ava came a short hour later. I loved her birth. I felt incredible during it and I still marvel at the fact that my body actually did what it was suppose to. And now, two years later, she is a vivacious and active little toddler... not even a baby.

Ava's first two years of life has been rather crazy with all the major moves and changes we have had. When she was first born, she was this incredibly docile little infant that slept through the night, nursed incredibly well, and was extremely laid back. Probably about 4 months later, things changed and this little fire cracker of a flower immersed. She started refusing to nurse, even insisting on holding her own bottle (yes, even at 4 months), she didn't like to be held for too long, she needed space and wouldn't sleep if there was ANY light or breathing body near her. She would scream at the dinner table until we finally gave up and let her try solids. She wanted to do EVERYTHING in her own time. And that really is how Ava is. She is incredibly sweet, funny, spunky, tender when she wants to be, a brute when she feels like, beautiful and incredibly unique little girl. She keeps me on my toes, and constantly makes me full belly laugh. She makes me want to pull my hair out, and then hug and kiss her all in the same moment. She is in an incredible blessing to our family and life would not be as rich without her. She is my joy, my Lily flower, my baby girl. Happy Birthday Baby!

A Sense of Relief

2009-05-13T16:04:00.000-06:00

On Monday I had a doctor's appointment and was relieved and bewildered to hear the heart beat of our little bambino within. I was so relieved that the doctor said it was a strong heart beat and that I was growing and everything seemed to be tickity boo (my wording not his). When I got into my car to race to my friends for dinner (running late as most doctors are), I tried to imagine our life as a family of five, but simply couldn't. I know some may think that is a sign, I don't. It just amazed me that at 26 (well soon to be 26), I have a husband and two children with another on the way. Life is funny how it works out sometimes. So I breathe a sense of relief and cannot believe how fast this pregnancy is going. I am already 19 weeks. Almost half way. Well, not entirely, I usually carry late so a little less than half way.

In other news, Dana and I have had a busy week with brunches to plan, retreats to mc, painting, packing, and moving.... I am finding it hard to get the motivation to pack with two toddlers untow. No family to claim the kidlets to prevent them from "unpacking" behind me. So it has been a bit of challenge. But we have been overwhelmed by our friends here in the Queen City. We have had over 10 people come out and help us paint and we manage to paint our entire town house in two days. And our care group offered up their services tomorrow for a "moving party". And Friday, we have at least 5 coming out to help load and move all our furniture. Our goal is that we will have everything moved by 2:30 as that is when my mama is landing at the airport. She will be immediately be put to work unpacking. LOL.... just kidding. We'll give her about a half an hour to settle in. We are not cruel people.

I am so thankful for our family and friends. Without them, this move would have been incredibly stressful even over the short distance. With me being unable to pack heavy boxes, paint or really move anything, we need all the help we can muster. Al and Carleen made a huge gesture and have relieved a huge pressure this week. Mainly because I don't know what I am doing. So a HUGE thank you to them. My mom, who was planning a nice relaxing visit with her grandchildren, will be unpacking and helping us settle into our new home. SO I am sure I will be taking full advantage of her presence while she is here. Thanks mom. Seriously, thank you. And to our church family, what a wonderful group of people God has blessed us with. They are truly like an extended family who love us sacrificially. One gentlemen was at our house painting last night until midnight. NOw that's love. We seriously couldn't pull all this off without their love, And hands, And trucks. So another HUGE thank you to them.

What can I say, we are blessed. Next post to be made from our new abode.

Uploaded Finally....

2009-05-11T13:53:00.000-06:00

A princess and her knight...

This was so cool. There was an Armed Forces Day out at the Moose Jaw base where they had all the planes and helicopters out, the snowbird simulator, and the snowbirds did a show. I didn't know this, but apparently Moose Jaw is the training base for the Snowbirds. It was so neat to see all the aircrafts, even those gigantic cargo planes. Kynan, of course, loved it. He even got to sit in an actual snowbird and talk to one of the pilots. It was pretty neat.

A surprize trip to North Dakota. An overnighter to Minot and we had a blast with the kids. Made me nervous for Edmonton this summer though, my feet were so sore by the end of the day. Do you think I could qualify for a wheel chair, lol?!?

While I was at the Woman's Retreat, Dana took the kids to the park. Our favorite park.

Me at my photography class... manual focus mode.

At the park on Mother's Day.

This is one Dana took, he was trying to be artsy. LOL. I actually really like it.

Kids Say the Darndest Things,,,

2009-05-06T17:18:00.000-06:00

When we were buying our van on the weekend, Dana took it for the test drive. While he was out the kids and I waited in the driveway of the couple selling us the van talking to the nice lady. She actually looked alot like my Auntie Angie and talked like her too. Anyway, she asked Kynan, because it was such a nice day, if he was going to play in his backyard when he got home. Kynan politely said "I don't have a backyard." The lady pressed, "Oh, the front yard then?". Kynan said, "No, i don't have one of those either. I could go play by the train tracks by our house, but I don't think mom would let me." A little startled the woman asked where we live and Kynan replied, "We live in a big brick building with a bunch of other people with not very many windows." I couldn't believe it. I was laughing so hard that I didn't even really explain what he meant by all that. Needless to say, I can't wait to move.

On the Ava front, today at MOPS, we were getting ready to go when an older boy came up to tell me Ava had to go potty (which she says all the time). I told him she has a diaper on and its ok. Then I went to go grab Ava from the hallway and put her in the van. No diaper. I asked where it was, when she said "pee in potty". She led me to the bathroom, to the stall, where she had taken off her pull up and bloomers, then pointed to the potty and said "pee in potty". Of course there was no visible evidence of this act, but the fact she new where to go impressed me so much. She then closed the lid and flushed the toilet. DO you think she's ready? Now if I can only get her to do it at home.

When It Rains It Pours....

2009-05-03T15:40:00.000-06:00

Most people use this expression with a negative conitation to it, but today I use it joyously. This weekend we have been blown away by the countless blessings that have been bestowed on us.

As many of you know, Dana and I have been looking tirelessly for a new, and bigger, place to live. However, we weren't having any luck, so we decided we were just going to buy something. We really can't afford the risk of that with our lot in Summerland unsold, but it would seem to solve all our problems. So we have looked a little bit, but most of what we saw wasn't that great. We were at the bank on Friday trying to get approved for a mortgage when we got the call from Argyle Park Co-Op. They told us they had a three bedroom townhouse available immediately if we want it. The amazing thing about this is that this is the first move out they have had this year, and we were 8th on the waiting list. Even the lady said we most have someone upstairs looking out for us because she never makes it all the way to the end of her list on these type of townhouses. We immediately went over and to scope the place out and it's beautiful. We have already picked out paint colours and designed the whole place in our heads. Our posession date it May 15, when we will start painting and then we will gradually be moving in over the next two weeks after that. My mom is in town during that time which is another huge blessing that we will have her help. I am SO excited.

Then the next day we got a call from a couple about our Mazda 5. We have only bought it a year ago, but we realized how small it is and it doesn't really meet our growing family needs. So we listed for sale a few weeks back and yesterday someone bought it!!! For full asking. Not only is this a huge blessing, but then we found a van (Chevy Uplander 2005) and bought it too. So tomorrow we will be sporting a new vehicle with extra change in our pockets.

Of course this weekend has been extremely overwhelming and I am bursting with excitement. It should go fast because we have a ton of stuff to do this month. Mother's Day, Spring Ladies Retreat, 3 Birthdays, 1 Wedding, 1 Anniversary, Moving and Painting. When it rains it pours, as is the way I like it when it's all positive.

God Bless you all this weekend too.

2009-04-28T11:53:00.000-06:00

This kids and I are inside today because I woke up to 3 inches of snow and still going. It's almost May PEOPLE!!! Urghhh! But we decided to make lemonade out of lemons and have an inside day. We did a craft (Kynan wanted to work on his letters, hence the Popsicle stick signs), we painted Ava's toe nails (then had a minor incident with her stealing some cuticle oil and dumping it on the carpet), had some nutritious KD for lunch, and now it is nap time (AKA: clean up time for mom). It's been a fun morning, but now I am wiped. Still so much to do.

As for the lot front, we have listed our property in Summerland, reducing it by $20,000 to $209,000. So if you know anyone wanting to build, at that price, it truly is a steal. And we are currently looking for house here. We still have our rental feelers out, but I think we may be better off just finding a small modest home to hand our hats.

On the worried belly front, my appointment is in 4 days and counting. Still no major movements, except last night I swore I felt a kick, but I could not be certain it wasn't gas. So I am still a little worried, but a little more confident that things are fine.

Here are the kids playing around with the bambino belly. Kynan is so tender and I love the shot with him. It really shows his tenderness towards me and the baby. While in the last shot, Ava is getting up to pile drive me in the groin. Needless to say, the belly shots stopped.

Here is my latest belly shot taken by a world class photographer, Kynan John. Please no laughing...

Here are some shots from Easter. The bunny brought the kids some cool toys and a little bit of chocolate and mama made Easter Bunny Pancakes. The looked more like black bunnies because I can't cook and the icing I put on them made them look like cats, but there was effort made. LOL.

Cravings....

2009-04-26T01:36:00.000-06:00

A good friend of mine just gave birth to her baby son, Trustin Emmanuel. He is perfect, she looks beautiful and I can't wait to see her next week. Last week, we were talking at our MOPS outing to It's a Blast. I laughed as we swapped stories of cravings. I shared that I have been craving a White Spot Chicken Supreme Burger for about a month now (only available in BC). She looked at me all serious and asked me to describe in detail. As I gave her a full description, both our mouths began to water and then we burst out laughing. I thought it was pretty funny. Outside my burger craving and the occasional ice cream craze, most of my cravings have been rather healthy. Like crispy veggies (no dip just the veg), chicken and lettuce sandwiches (seriously, I ate 3 in one sitting last week), and pickles (which is odd for me as I don't typically like pickles). My belly seems to be growing at warp speed. Some of you may be asking, why no belly shots yet? Well, while many of the moms-to-be have a tight perfect baby bump, mine is much more blubbery, stretch mark invested, with no belly button pop. I will work up some courage to do some bear belly shots. And soon I will post some other pictures.

Anyways, the biggest thing on my mind regarding the pregnancy has been heartbeat. I know this sounds silly and Dana has been constantly reassuring me, but ever since reading about another friend's worry of her own baby (which turned out great once she hit her 16 week appointment) I have been worrying. Laying extra still to try and catch a movement, being extra cautious in pools, and even getting Dana to put his ear to my belly. I know, slightly insane, but I worry. My next appointment is in a week, which seems like an eternity away. I just want to make sure everything is coming along ok. And is silly as this sound, with every day that I feel nauseous, I am thankful for that one little clue that things are fine. But please say a prayer for me and bambino anyways.

That's it. I'm out. It's 2am, Dana is snoring so loud I can hear him two rooms away, and I have to be up in 5 hours. So beddy by for me. Goodnight.

When Mom's Away... The Kids Will Play

2009-04-18T01:14:00.000-06:00

Tonight was 'Gir;s Night' so when 7 rolled around, I strolled upstairs for my weekly date with the gals. Of course, being the excellent wife I am, didn't think twice about leaving my rambunctious children, who were at the time in the bath, with my exhausted and extremely tired husband. When I got home around midnight, I walked into a dreary looking Dana. Then he spilled what had happened only a few hours before. Kinda went like this.

Dana said while the kids were bathing, he decided to call Telus and activate his new (but used) phone as his old one had kicked the bucket (for all you worry warts out there- he of course was keeping a close eye on the water babies). He said he heard splashing and went in several times with warnings. Five minutes later, a naked Kynan is spinning around the apartment with no Ava in sight. He shouted at Kynan to go back in to the bathroom and put the toys away and help soap of some of the water. To which Kynan, who has been a delight the past few days (heavy sarcasm), said a prompt "NO". Dana asked again, and Kynan told him he didn't want to go in the "dirty" water. Dana went into find Ava in the tub (totally content) in a big tub of poohie water. That's right, Ava pooped in the tub.

At this point in his story, I am laughing pretty hard. I feel a tiny bit bad Dana, but I am laughing at how udderly disturbing to Dana this is. I think about the many times I have cleaned poohie water, or pukie beds. It just makes me laugh.

Anyways, after cleaning out the tub and Ava, both this kids I guess refused to go to bed. Dana fought with them until 10:30pm. I guess he finally broke their will as they were sleeping peacefully when I got home. But I guess it just goes to show that when mom's away, the kids will play.

Needless to say, Dana crashed. And I am sure he didn't appreciate my laughing either, but who wouldn't given the circumstances.

Have a good weekend.

A Thankful Heart, Slightly Clouded...

2009-04-17T11:36:00.000-06:00

I thought I would post an update about our lives.... of course post about the kids is what you really want, but this is what happened yesterday.

We have been desperately trying to find an affordable larger place to live over the last few months, especially finding out about bambino #3. We have applied to several places, but as it is in most places, nobody is moving, and rentals are extremely hard to come by. We had a viewing of a 4-plex yesterday, which was my hope to be an answer to prayer. 3 bedrooms, good area, backs onto a green space, but we were sorrily disappointed. The lady who lives there know smokes and the entire place is carpeted. Somehow I don't think they will replace the carpet for us and smoke is a hard thing to get rid of. And we can't risk it with Kynan and his asthma. So I slugged back to the car, cried all afternoon, and felt rather hopeless. But I have to say that God is faithful and he always walks along side us in our sorrow... and always. We had caregroup last night where we talked about giving, and where are treasures are also. It made me ponder why is this SO important to me. We are all healthy, we have a roof over our heads, and food in our bellies. We are extremely blessed to have what we have. It made me have a new found appreciation for my sister-in-law who has been living in a one bedroom loft since before her son was born. It made me think of all the things I took for granted when I had them. Then the group prayed for Dana and I as a couple and I felt a weight being lifted. I came home, wondering where do we go from here. I called my mom, and I felt incredibly lifted after talking to her. She encouraged me to stay strong, and these hard times draw you closer to each other (and the Lord) if you let it, and that there are always options.

So today I contacted a realtor back in Summerland to start putting some possible prices together for our lot that will make competitive without us losing a ton. If we can sell the lot it will free us up to buy something here with sound mind. So I think there is where are efforts are going to lie for now. All other rental doors have been opened and now we just need to pray for patience, perspective in the day to day, and solutions. So if the mood swings you (and even if it doesn't) please please send a little prayer ups for our family as we wait upon the Lord to work.

Thanks so much.

a Walk in the Park...

2009-04-14T08:46:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I was feeling rather ill so Dana came home and took the kids for a walk in the park. It was plus 18 and felt like the beginning of summer. Kynan rode his bike and Ava walked. Apparently, they just loved it. Dana played photographer for the event as I was in peaceful slumber at home. I am so thankful to have an amazing husband that is willing to chip and rescue me. This kids like it too.

Enjoy the pictures.

Things That Make You Wanna...

2009-04-11T21:09:00.000-06:00

This week with talking to my sister-in-law, I was "encouraged" to start blogging again. I have to admit that I have missed just documenting the little treasured moments with my children. One thing about the internet is that it's always there. So I have decided to take it back up, but with less pressure than before. No pressure to write 5 times a week. No pressure as to what I am writing. And no pressure as to who is reading. After all, I am sure I have 'zero' readers after my sabbatical.

To get back into the swing of things, I wanted to share something that happened a few nights ago with Kynan. It was bed time, and we were getting all tucked in, when he took off his shirt, laid on his belly, and asked for a back "message". I smiled and commenced rubbing his back, when he quickly stopped me to remind me to use the lotion. I giggled to myself, and then started telling him how I use to do this all the time when we was just a little baby and how he loved it. He nonchalantly says to me: "I know. I liked it." Which makes me smile even bigger. When I was done and about to kiss him goodnight, he asked if I wanted one. Does he not just melt your heart? Kynan is definitely my lovey dovey son lately, filled with hugs and kisses. He often tells me he is going to take care of me and the baby, brings me cars when I am not feeling better (because those always make him feel better), and holds on a little tighter during our traditional afternoon nap together in Mommy's bed. It's things like this that make me want to blog again and share what amazing children I have.

Happy Easter and God Bless.

Final Good Bye

2009-03-10T08:47:00.000-06:00

I think that it is time to finally let go of my blog. I am always finding it a fight as to what to post and keeping it up is just taking too much time away from other things... like my babies. With this third pregnancy, I am finding my time to be very precious. Sleeping is a commodity. Doing laundry is a necessity. And chores .... well .... they can wait. It does look like a bomb went off in our apartment and I imagine it will stay that way for several months. With no family around to help in the little day to day stuff, I am finding my time precious. While I love to write, most of what I want to write about I think is a little too controversial for this venue. As for picture updates of my babies, you certainly can check out Facebook. So, it's been a swell couple of years. Thank you for the comments, support and prayers. Please keep the prayers up. They are always needed. And I will still be lurking in on some of your blogs. Peace Out! LOL! And God Bless!

Finding the Miracles in the Little Things

2009-03-03T09:59:00.000-06:00

This week was filled with little "God-moments". Last week, I was really struggling with nausea and the feeling of being closed in by an ever shrinking apartment. This week we had alot to celebrate:

1. I dropped off our application to the Regina Housing Authority, where they told me they then have to process our application and then will mail out our interview time. I was thinking I wouldn't get anything from them in weeks, but then the very next day what did I get in the mail, but the letter with our interview for the middle of March. I am very excited and still praying hard that this will answer some prayers.

2. Also, we got an interview for Argyle Co-Op Tonight!!! Again praying something will come through.

3. Dana and I got to spend the weekend alone and it honestly felt like we were just married. We spent the day just touring the city, going to stores you normally can't bring toddlers into. We found this really awesome modern furniture store and then when antique shopping. We went and looked at some show homes and then watched a high school basketball game. The best part was that it was all free. We did splurge and went for Indian food on the friday night and found our new favorite resturant in Regina. Looks kinda grungy from the outside, but the food was heavenly. Then on Saturday night we had one of our traditional "boxer" dinners and it was super yummy. Sadly by 10 we were in bed :) But oh so nice to have a weekend with my lovey, falling in love with him all over. I missed the kids like crazy, but when we went to pick them up... they were like "whatever". It seems as though they had a good time too.

4. I had a major headache and stomach ache yesterday, so Dana said I could spend the money and go get an adjustment. Dana had the car so I loaded Ava into the back pack and bundled Kynan in many layers and we walked to the office. The chiropractor is not that far from us, but combined with wind chill and snow I didn't think the kids would make it. Plus, my jacket broke on the weekend and no longer does up. BUT there was minimal crying and I was able to get adjusted. We practically ran home we were to cold, but then warmed up with a nice cup of coco.

5. Dana and I are really tight on finances this month, and so we were going to sign up for this financial workshop through our church, but couldn't really afford the weekly babysitting it would require. We got a call from some dear friends saying they were willing to help us out saying they felt it very important that we be there. Dana and I looked at each other and laughed, we were both thinking if God really wants you somewhere he makes a way.

6. Probably my favorite this week was last night, falling asleep with Kynan. He came out of our room after being tucked in and said he needed a friend to sleep with. Dana started to get up and get him a toy, when he said "No, I want mommy." Melt your heart or what??? SO we cuddled, talked and both fell asleep at 9pm.

What are some of your God moments?

Interview with Reporter Jen...

2009-02-18T19:52:00.000-06:00

I volunteered to be apart of Jen's little game, and here are the questions.... I hope you enjoy.

1) You have so many talents, from working with teens, to public speaking, to arts and crafts, I know you enjoy photography, which is your true passion?

My one true passion remains my family, Dana and the kids. I want to strive to be the best mom and wife I can be, and to be honest, sometimes it is hard to look beyond that. But I do find I am a better mom when I take time for my other passion, like scrapbooking, photography, friends, volunteering, ect....

2) Baby #3! Whee!! Do you have any thing that you think you'd like to do different with this one? Any things that you'd definitely like to do the same? Will this be the last baby? O.k. that was clearly more than one question but all somewhat related so that's totally allowed.

There is nothing that really springs to mind when you ask what would we do differently or the same. I have always tried to be the best mom I can be and this rollarcoaster ride is a constant learning experience. We are hoping to do cloth diapers again, which we didn't do with Ava, but did do with Kynan. And make our own baby food, which I did do with the first two. After seeing Kynan's dentist bill we are definitely pro-flouride no matter what people say. As for "last baby", I know people may think I am crazy... but I don't think this will be our last baby. Dana and I have always talked about having a big family... the number 5 has been tossed around, but we have even talked about more. I guess it depends on what life throws at us. But we are super excited about this little gem and can't wait to meet him/ her. And no, we are not finding out what "it" is.

3) I know you are happy as a clam being back here in Regina. What do you think it was that made you love it here so much? Are there any parts of Summerland, aside from family, that you think you'll miss?

There is something about Regina, a feeling we get here. More settled. Maybe space we didn't think we needed? I am not really sure, but we love the city, the people, the sunsets, the open prairie, so many things.... And of course the main reason why we chose Regina as our home is because we felt God called us here and we are just trying to be obedient to what God wants in our lives. As for Summerland, besides family, I will miss the small town of it all. The festivals I have gone to since I can remember, knowing EVERYONE, and just the familiarity of it all. And Homeside Video, where you can get virtually any title, especially the classics.... oh on Long John's from the bakery... mmmmm..... And the beach.... most definitely. But just like anything, there are things I cherish in each place, it's just our time to be in Regina. Summerland will be missed, but not forgotten.

4) Do you think you'll be a stay at home mom long term? I know you found your work at SADI very satisfying. Do you ever have the itch to get back out there?

I definitely see my time as a stay at home mom lasting a long time, until our kids our somewhat grown. BUT I get the itch almost daily. I don't think I would ever want to work full time away from the home again, and I think whatever I do would have to be something I love doing. I have tossed a few entrepreneurial ideas around. I think that would be a passion, working from home doing something creative. I have thought about starting my own photography business with a friend, I love weddings so I was thinking maybe I could be professional event planner, and even interior design has entered in my mind several times. Of course, I have a lot to learn before I pursue anything professionally, but one day opportunity may knock.

5) You & Dana are such a sweet, perfectly matched couple. What do you think is the strength in your marriage? What piece of advice would you give to a couple of brand spankin' new newly weds?

The strength in our marriage would have to be hands down, our commitment to one another above ALL else and keeping God the center of it all. We have been through some pretty rough waters, and knowing that I can count on Dana to be there for me and vise versa has kept me afloat many times. And you have probably heard this one.... communication. Dana and I talk everyday, even if it is for just 5 minutes and we ALWAYS discuss any major issues before they balloon. We are quick to forgive, which isn't always easy and usually involves swallowing a big portion of pride. And finally choice.... choose every day to love each other, physically, emotionally, and spiritually even if we don't particularly "love" each other. As for my advice to other couples, I could only say a whole lot of prayer. I pray for Dana every day and witness little miracles in our marriage everyday... and even just to tell God a big thank you for creating such a wonderful man for me. Other than that.... find someone you know who has been "happily" married for 30 plus years and ask what their secrets are.... you might be surprised, but there is wisdom to be found in our mentors.

Thanks for the interview Jen. I hope you liked my answers. If not, I will forgive you ;) LOL

A Graduate and a Family Day

2009-02-17T19:45:00.000-06:00

I could not be more proud of my husband. He has completed his GED and is officially a Graduate of Saskatchewan. Now he can move on to bigger and better things. Not only did he pass, but he got 99% on Math. He is the 2nd one to graduate in his family and he did it all on his own. Here are some pictures from his Graduation party we had on Sunday. We were going for "cheesy high school pictures". There were more people crammed into our small apartment, but by the end of the night I was pretty much done. But enjoy....

The next day was "Family Day" here in Saskatchewan, so the kids, Dana and I drove out to Moose Jaw to the Temple Gardens again. We went to Bonanza for lunch, which was disgusting in case you were wondering. And then spent three awesome hours in the pool. This kids each had their own water wings and often tried to swim away on us. It was so much fun.

Alot to Be Thankful For

2009-02-11T22:49:00.000-06:00

There are so many things we have to be thankful for, bit how often do we slow down and praise God for the little things in our lives? I know that this last week I have been stressing about finding a new home, missing my family and finances a lot. But God is faithful and even subtly answers prayers. For example, someone in our church emailed us unexpectedly and offered to give Dana and I a date night once a month by looking after our children for FREE! In a time where Dana and I are on a VERY tight budget, this is an answer to prayer in many ways. Not only for us, but for our children as well. Then, one day last week, I was crying over our situation with our apartment. I was feeling a little like we have been taking steps backwards in that area. Going from home owners to hardly affording to rent. Then out of the blue, a good friend called me and offered some encouragement and referred me to a website for affordable housing for families. It filled me with a renewed energy and hope for the future. And not to mention some dear friends offered to take our children for a full weekend, so Dana and I can retreat (to our apartment) for the weekend. We have plans to stay up late and watch movies, sleep in, go for a walk, go to a bookstore, and this special decor store for some added dreaming. Then we are going to try a new Indian restaurant for dinner. I am so excited. Even though we aren't going anywhere, it will be so nice just to hold hands and soak up moments together uninterrupted. While being so thankful for these big blessings.... I am also reminded daily how fortunate we are to have a roof over our heads, food on the table and clothes on our back. While we have so much, there are others that have much less. Are situation will always be relevant to what is happening with us, but as a good friend reminded me today: sometimes in the midst of our "struggles" we often look outward and see someone we can help. Someone who has less. For me, I certainly would love a new house, filled with new furniture. I would love to have a large kitchen to have dinner parties in or even a nursery that I could start getting ready, but God has blessed us in so many other ways and continues to do so daily. Are those things nice? Absolutely! But everything we have belongs to Him and everything we have is to be used to glorify Him. In everything I do, I strive to give it back to him. My worries. My gratitude. My praise.

It's All About the Bump!

2009-02-07T14:43:00.001-06:00

Well, I thought it was about high time that I share our little bit of news with the rest of my blogger readers. For quite some time I have been feeling a little "off" or not myself. Over-emotional, super sensitive, a wee bit nauseous, and extremely tired. Last Sunday, Dana and I found out that we are expecting our 3rd baby! We are beyond thrilled and so excited that our little family is quite quickly growing into a large family. Kynan has been saying for weeks now that I have "babies in my belly". Yes, he thinks we are having twin girls! LOL! I think it is so funny what kids say. Ava shares in our joy and smiles when we talk about the new edition, but I don't think she understands yet what it means. She will though. As for me, I feel great! A little tired and grabbing naps whenever I can. I feel like my belly has popped out even this week. Pants are fitting tighter and I look forward to when I can come home and put on lounge pants. It may be in my head, but I seriously feel like I LOOK pregnant already. I already started a pregnancy journal, which I did with our first two children. I am determined that each child will not have less than the one that comes before it. Each one is a blessing and a special gift from God and I want to make an effort to ensure they feel that way. One thing I want to do this pregnancy is a weekly picture log, so stay tuned for that. Anyway, I hope you all have a fabulous weekend and relish in God's little miracles.

Again...

2009-02-06T15:02:00.000-06:00

I am desperately missing my home. If only we could time warp back :(

A Little Emotional Today...

2009-02-06T13:08:00.000-06:00

Today, I am feeling a little overwhelmed and depressed. We got another nasty note written to us about our laundry room usage. It seems as though we are not allowed to ALWAYS be doing laundry and we are not allowed to leave our laundry in the room. Well, we know that, but we cannot do our laundry in two hours and sometimes we can't run up to the laundry room to grab it and truthfully sometimes we forget it is even there. I am so frustrated with our living situation. This tiny cramped apartment is busting at the seems, this kids leave their stuff everywhere, the laundry, our parking, ect ect ect.... There are so many things. And now with our recent news I am left feeling anxious and very twisted. Do we try and buy something with our lot unsold (which would be cheaper than renting) OR do we pay more in a rental and just live on a very VERY tight budget. I am so confused and lost and this is not at all what I was hoping this time around. If you think of us, please pray that God will open some doors and soon. Thank you.

A Fun Post....

2009-02-04T17:28:00.000-06:00

Where is your mobile phone? no idea... truthfully.
Where is your significant other? doing the dishes ;)
Your hair colour? brown... seeking change
Your mother? under appreciated
Your father? humble
Your favourite thing? fabric, crafts, food, friends, family, sleep in days, days with Dana ALONE, too many to name!
Your dream last night? Reconciliation
Your dream goal? To do something amazing.
The room you're in? Bedroom
Your hobby? sewing, crafts, photography, design, reading....
Your fear? heights, plane crashes, drowning, children getting kidnapped.
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy, Healthy, Living
Where were you last night? at home
What you're not? dishwasher
One of your wish-list items? A House
Where you grew up? Small BC town "where everyone knew your name"
The last thing you did? chase a little girl around the kitchen
What are you wearing? lounge pants... comfy
Your TV? Monster Mash
Your pets? none
Your computer? old
Your mood? anxious
Missing someone? my mom
Your car? clean
Something you're not wearing? underwear.... too much????
Favourite shop? Any Quilting Store.... AND ikea
Your summer? too far away
Love someone? incredibly so
Your favourite colour? green
When is the last time you laughed? this morning
When is the last time you cried? yesterday... watching a chick flick with a bff

The Perfect Day

2009-01-31T21:56:00.000-06:00

The Perfect Day started out not so perfect, as when I woke up, I didn't want to wake up, I didn't want to get dressed, and I didn't want to leave our little apartment. My head was fuzzy and it felt like one of those 'watch movies all day' kinda days. But Ava had gymnastics and it was my turn, Dana and Kynan had already started on their father-son activity for the morning....xBox (no judging...LOL). Anyway, Ava's class zoomed by and she wanted to go home and see Kynan, which I was rather grateful for as there were about 100 kids running around screaming in the play area and my fuzzy head was not liking it. When we got home, Dana wanted to go out and "do something" and suggested a walk (Shoot me now please... jk). So I suggested that we drive to Moose Jaw and visit the Temple Gardens Mineral Spa for the day (not really thinking my cheap husband would go for it) BUT he did. We had a wonderfully perfect day. When we got to MJ we had lunch at Subway (thanks Carleen and Al) and went straight to the pool. It was a beautiful facility and we literally spent 4 hours swimming, lounging, and laughing with our kids. It felt like we were at a resort. We even got smoothies and spread out on the loungers. There was this bridge you could swim underneath and go outside. The water was warmer, and mixed with the cool crisp air and prairie sunshine... I swear we were in heaven. The kids had fun running and sitting in the snow and then jumping back in to the water (I know... your thinking we are fabulous parents... no applause needed). It was literally the perfect day. We were told upon arriving at the spa that the water had healing properties in it and was great for the body. I would have to whole heartedly agree. I went in with my post pregnancy, flabby, dessert addicted body and after 4 hours came out with the body above. Seriously... it was that good. LOL. Just joking, but it sure was a great day. Thanks Dana for a perfect day.

If this doesn't melt your heart.....

2009-01-30T00:30:00.000-06:00

then you are dead... LOL. Just joking. Just a super sweet story of my boys.

Dana and Kynan were playing a video game this evening and Kynan looked up at Dana and said..... wait for it......

"Daddy, I wanna be just like you."

Now if that doesn't melt your heart.....

2009-01-29T14:40:00.000-06:00

We have some breaking news...

Nope... not pregnant! LOL!

Ava has officially given up her bottle. Bedtime and nap time are little touch and go, but mostly peaceful. My little baby is a little girl. AND she pee'd in the potty for the first time too. I have to say this occurrence is few and far between, but she seems to becoming more and more determined about becoming trained. Last night, she came in to the bedroom and said "I poohed." With dirty diaper in one hand and a new one in the other. What a sweetie, eh?!?!?

As for Kynan, his drawings are becoming a lot more clear. I wish I could say he is drawing people, but more so cars with wheels and steering wheels. He is also working on identifying and drawing letters. This has been a long time coming and is usually done with bribery.... yes, I am a fabulous mother. Thank you. LOL.

Anyway, speaking of mothering, I have a mountain of laundry calling my name.

Daydream

2009-01-27T13:57:00.000-06:00

What do you find yourself daydreaming about???

I daydream about so many silly things, just to name a few:
1. Fabric. All kinds of funky brightly coloured fabric. I could spend hours in a fabric store.
2. A day to myself to work on my photography. I am no way a professional, but one day I would love to be as good as Janice, Christy, Teena, and Robin.
3. Interior Design. I often find myself piecing together a room in my head. What colours I would use, what textures, any statement pieces. I love HGTV and Home Depot for this reason.
4. Vacations. I dream about vacations with my kids or just with my hubby. Mostly tropical lately because it is SO cold right now. But also all sorts of little places. I think my dream would be to just get in the car, have a final destination in mind, but have fun getting there. You know, stopping at all the little quirky places along the way. We did this once with my Aunt and Grandparents when I was in Grade 7. We went to Tofino, BC. We stopped at some pretty random places, and at one I saw a goat on a roof eating grass. I will never forget and I am pretty sure that was the highlight of that trip.
5. Owning a book store. Have you ever seen You Got Mail, based on the old classic. I love that movie and how it makes me feel and ever since seeing it I wanted to own a book store, with a special kids section.... mmmmm.... just thinking about it.
6. Weddings.... I have been married at least a 50 times..... in my head. I love thinking of different weddings, themes, colours, flowers, favors, cakes, ect, ect, ect.... If I could afford it, I would subscribe to all the wedding magazines.
7. This is a weird one. I sometimes daydream about having like a dozen children, like in the movie 'Cheaper By the Dozen'. I will admit that I may not be the worlds greatest mom, but I have always loved the idea of having a large family.

What do you daydream about?????

Priceless

2009-01-22T18:31:00.001-06:00

I wanted to share this before I forgot....

1. At dinner, Kynan was eating his food and paused to say. "Mmmmmm, mom this is good. I feel better now. I am going to grow bigger, and Bigger, and BIGGER." I then asked him what he is going to be when he grows up.... He pondered it a little and then said, "Oh, maybe I will be too high." What can I say put burst into laughter.

2. If I share a story about Kynan, I should really share a story about Ava. I was crying today (I am pretty emotional) and I was putting Ava's laundry away while she played. She heard me crying and came over gave me a real big hug, kissed me, and then told me "It okay". She continued to rub my back and tell me that over and over until I hugged her back and said thank you. Then she went back to playing dolly. What a heart hey?

I just had to share what wonderful and humorous people my kids are.

2009-01-22T14:38:00.000-06:00

My emotions overcome me and tears creep up in my eyes, as she sings a lullaby to her child. She is sharing her soul through her music, but does she realize how much she has touched me. Her song, her story, her heart.

On Wednesday, we had two ladies come in and share their music with us. It was very touching, but even their stories are miraculous. One lady touched me specifically. She has three boys and her and her family live in a small, northern, native community where there is 80% Unemployment and 80% Substance Abuse. One of those communities I heart alot about working with the Coalition, but never really felt personally touched my. Dara's songs often were inspired by her community and the children who live there. These children, start off with basically no chance to get out or change their surroundings. It is proven that most of these kids will most likely be part of the cycle. But Dara shared that when they moved to this community she had a choice, to close her door and protect her family from this obviously dangerous community. Or to "open her door" and open her heart. She chose the ladder and has since started a bible study for women and helped the youth start a small youth group called Y2Y. She was thinking one afternoon about what prayer request she had for the bible study and she decided to ask the other ladies to pray for her son's potty training as it was not going well. That night came and the ladies shared their requests and when it came to Dara's turn, she wide-eyed said she didn't have a request. She then shared with us that while her concern was relative to her life, the other's put her concerns into perspective. Some of the other requests were; abuse, alcoholic abuse, drugs, eviction, ect.... She shared some of her photos from this small community and these individuals who live in the middle of distress without hope of overcoming it, looked happy... at least for the moment that the picture was taken. As I looked closer there was one commonality in every picture, Dara.

What a strong mom this Dara. I don't know her two ways from Sunday, but I can visually see that God has put a calling on her heart. She is confident, seems to know what her purpose is and what direction she is going. Two of her boys came for the presentation and she seemed to be an excellent mom. It got me thinking about who I am to my children. Am I a strong mom? Do I provide a safe haven for them? Do they feel God's calling in my life? Have I taken the time to ensure that this is so. Do I look to my kids for purpose? Or to my Heavenly Father? These are all questions I asked myself while listening to Dara sing. Pretty powerful music to have such deep questions come to mind.

In the New Year, I wrote a list of things I wanted to do this year. Two of them were volunteer and learn. Last week I joined the Design Committee at church which basically means I am helping host once a week. I get to do some public speaking, spend some time learning about scripture in a small group, and volunteering.... Also, I am enrolling in a photography course in April. This will be my first college class since 2001. I am pretty nervous, but excited to be finally investing in myself for a change. I also looked forward to the fall, and if all goes well, I want to take the 2nd Photography Course and the first of three Interior Design course. I have spent some time creating some new things: bracelets, some earrings, scrapbooking, and quilting.... So I would say I am well on my way this year.... now if I could only shed a few pounds while I was at.

PS: I am wondering if there is anyone out there who still reads my blog. I average about 2 comments per post and I was just wondering if I was writing for myself or if there are others getting anything out of this blog? I like writing, so I will continue either way. I was just curious.

Plus ONE!!!!

2009-01-18T23:18:00.000-06:00

This has been a fun filled weekend with lots of fun moments. Like the kids in the bath. They love playing together and blowing bubbles.

When mom is away, the kids will play. This is Dana's influence of course, one night while I was out.

We went for a day of taboggoning because the temperature was PLUS ONE!!! That is unheard of in these prairies so we took full advantage. It was SO much fun.

Then I was able to get a little creative while the kids napped. I spent the afternoon creating and working on my scrapbooks. Check out my etsy site for some new creations.

Mommy Diaries: Growth

2009-01-15T00:23:00.000-06:00

In November I did a post to the first chapter in this book I am reading with my MOPS group. Today we did a group discussion on Growth (the 2nd Chapter). I actually hadn't read the chapter so I couldn't really relate to where the discussion was going. So I came home, took a bath, and read the 2nd chapter in my book. **Just a side note: I am reading like 4 books. I really am a slow reader, but not that slow.**

Anyway, I really identified with this chapter. It talked about how mothering makes us grow beyond our comfort zones, and stretches us as women. It talked about how God is truly the only one in control of our lives and how we become more of the woman that God wants us to be within the daily adventures of mothering.

In this chapter, one mom shared a story of how her and her daughter went boating one summer and were in the middle of this river. Her daughter and a few other passengers jumped into the cool depths and then looked back to encourage her to do the same. This was apparently out of her zone and she declined. Her daughter begged and pleaded saying that she would like it. But still she refused. She then wrote that combined with the look on her daughters face and the fear of losing that child like play with her children.... she jumped. She said it felt exhilarating and totally worth it. She said from that moment on she made an effort to say "yes" even to things that scare her. Because of her kids, she was pushed beyond her comfort zone and experienced things that she never dreamed she could do.

My own kids have pushed me in many ways. The one that springs to mind immediately is actually unexpected. They have pushed me to just be. In highschool, I was a very busy gal, always on the go. I had an insane schedule filled with sports, volunteering, leadership, and community involvement. I always felt that is who I am, busy. But my kids stretched me in the sense of just stopping and enjoying little pleasures. Like play dough on a cold winter day and how a globby can look like a dinosaur. How swimming in the bath can make me giggle. And when your daughter learns to say "Helileuia" at 19 months, it blows your mind. They have also stretched me to find myself amongst the chaos. To love myself beyond stretch marks and sagging boobs (too much info?). Granted this is a continual process for me, I am so blessed to have my kids unconditional love and support. God truly knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I need in this life, and who I need to grow to be.

So my question to you other moms is, how have your children stretched you? Made you grow? Has it been a positive experience? Or possibly challenging? Let me know if you identify with this chapter.

Happy Birthday Video!

2009-01-07T14:18:00.000-06:00

We had Kynan's Birthday Party at ChuckECheese this year. Kynan's choice, of course. It actually was pretty fun. I even got to ride a rollar coaster. Or at least an assimilated one. Kynan got everything he wished for. Transformers, a remote control car, neurf ball, stickers, and a cool truck. Chucke even made a private appearance just for Kynan (que screaming babies).

Even though this is an expense, there was no prep, no hosting, no clean up. The simplest party I had the pleasure of hosting.

Happy New Years!

2009-01-05T21:06:00.000-06:00

Favorite Moments of 2008:
* Completing our home renovations in Saskatchewan. It was the first home we lived in that felt like home to us.
* Vegas Baby!!!
* Witnessing two people exchange vows and share their love.... twice.
* Waterparks and Hot Family Reunions
* Driving home across the prairies with that beautiful Saskatchewan sunset in the rearview mirror.
* Starting a new adventure

Least Favorite Moments:
* Potty Training Kynan
* Redoing our Bathroom Reno
* Leaving Saskatchewan
* Telling our Families we are moving back to Saskatchewan
* Losing a nephew

Aspirations for the New Year:
* Lose weight!!! Of course.
* Maybe gain some baby weight???? LOL.
* Take a class the inspires me.
* Volunteer
* Read my Bible
* Be a better mom
* Create

What are yours?

Happy 4th Birthday Kynan

2009-01-02T23:33:00.000-06:00

I can hardly believe that my little baby boy is turning four! The time really does go by in a blink. After looking through four years of photos and selecting ones to share on this post, I reminisce on what a little character my son is. He has always had this little personality, filled with humor on love. While he loves to make people laugh and smile, he also has a real tender heart. He still needs his cuddles and hugs and movie star kisses. He likes when I kiss his boo boos better and give him eskimo kisses. He still sleeps with his baby and like to be tucked in.

But some things change, like he doesn't like me messing his hair up, touching his toys, changing his movie. He has particular foods he likes and he is not big on sharing them. He wants to do up his own jacket, tie his own shoes, and color his own pictures. He wants to learn how to use the computer and gets frustrated because he can't read. He wants to drive the car and get mad when we tell him "Only when you are older". He pretends to be transformers and elephants, and he likes to instruct Ava on how to do things. He LOVES to sing.

He is my baby boy growing up to be a caring, loving, and funny little boy. God truly blessed us with Kynan and the gift he is to our life is priceless.

Happy Birthday, Mr. K! We love you.

Happy 2009

2009-01-02T14:37:00.000-06:00

We hope that everyone had a very Merry Christmas and Happy 2009. We had a group pf friends over on the eve of 31st to ring in the new year. We played Cannasta and a little Cranium. It was super fun. All I can say is that the girls rocked the night, yeah! It was our first New Years Eve Party ever, and even though it was small, we had such a wonderful time.

It's hard to believe that 2009 is here already. Already so many BIG news to hit the airwaves. Particularly, my sister-in-law is expecting. We are so happy for her as we know it is a dream of hers to have a house full of children one day. And what a way to ring in the New Year with a bang. When she found out she was pregnant with Jaia, she told her husband on top of the empire state building. Both of these moments will be memorable.

As for Dana and I, not much has changed. We are looking to make some changes regarding our living situation. We are a little cramped in our little apartment so we are looking into some non-risky options, like possibly a co-op. So if you wouldn't mind praying for us we would appreciate it. In addition to that someone emailed us regarding our lot. This is great news and we are very hopeful.

Kynan's Birthday is tomorrow and we will be celebrating it at Chucke Cheese. Kynan is very excited and truth be known, so are we. However, it is hard to believe that our little baby is turning 4!!! Where does the time go? Pictures will definitely follow.

That's about it for us.

Some Yule Tide

2008-12-27T20:21:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. After going through our little photos, Dana and I realised that we didn't really photograph much this year. I hope you enjoy what we do have.

2008-12-19T14:10:00.000-06:00

To be truthful, I am feeling I need to post an update, but am unsure what to write. There are so many thoughts rambling up in my mind, and not one is striking as more important than the other. So I thought I would do a mind dump on you. Feel free to read on, or not... No pictures on this post as I cannot find my camera charger. Urgh!

The first thought... Ava seems to be growing up so fast. We went to Amazing Adventures the other day with a good friend. It's a play place, but also has Gymnastic Lessons there. Ava practically jumped the fence to join the little pre-school class. After, I talked with the instructor and she watched Ava climb over the play structure. She said that Ava would be great at Gymnastics and appears to be very ready. Since that conversation, Ava has been a little acrobat. Climbing over everything, jumping from couches, doing head stands, tight rope walking on my legs. So I think Gymnastics is in her near future. She also can count to three! She stands on my legs, and says "One, two, three... go!" and then free falls into my arms. Ava is very strong willed and at times can be challenging, but there are moments that I see her determination and strength as such great qualities. I love that her little personality is unfolding and with every new day something new emerges from her.

Kynan, on the other hand, is proving to be a little more of a deaf boy lately. Meaning he is not listening EVER! It seems like I have to ask a million times for him to do something before he even flinches. It is getting so frustrating. And he is starting to lie. I mean, I watched him rip apart the Sears Wishbook and when I asked him what happened to it he blamed Ava. If I hadn't watched him from the other room I would have believed it too. The other night we had a new babysitter watch the kids, who he told he was allowed to stay up as late as he wants and this mommy said it was ok. Before leaving the house earlier that evening, I specifically told Kynan to listen to Joelle and go to bed when told. I'm not really sure how to stop this behavior and am feeling a little lost. Kynan is usually so well behaved, but these are new phenomenons that have me bewildered.

Something that I have been thinking alot about lately, has been my deceased nephew, Calvin. Today I was driving in the car and a song came on the radio and I started to think of him and cry. Yesterday, I talked to my mom and she threw out some ideas on what she would like to do. She told me she was going to write a letter to let out some of those feelings we can't or don't talk about. It made me think that I don't really feel like I have properly mourned or let go of him. This sounds so strange because I never knew Calvin. I only ever saw him in his tiny white casket. But I can remember feeling him kicking Margaret's belly, sewing blankets for him, and decorating his nursery getting so excited to meet him and his sister. And now, I never will. The funeral is over, and I am thousands of miles away from his mom and dad and yet I still feel pain for them. Pain for him. Pain for my heart. So when do you get over a death? Or do you? Do you just learn to live with this memory? I know that Calvin is living his eternal life with Jesus, and what a beautiful life he will have in heaven. But I still miss him and think of him all the time. Little things remind me of him. And I wish he was here. My friend today said that I am at peace over where he is, but it doesn't take away from the anticipation or excitement we all had to meet him. That made sense to me....

With days to go before Christmas, Dana and I have been talking alot about the true meaning of Christmas. Especially where the kids are concerned. I am excited to see that Kynan is really into Christmas this year, knowing to write a list, that Santa is coming, getting excited over the tree and snow. However, sometimes I think that all that "stuff" overpowers the real purpose. How do we stop that from happening? On Christmas eve we are going to a friends house for a birthday party. No gifts, just cake. And a whole lot of thankfulness and love. We watched the Nativity Story with Kynan and Ava and have been reading stories. Kynan's preschool has been talking about the shepherds and wise man. But with all the Christmas hype around, do they truly understand this miracle? The birth of Christ. What a marvelous and incredible gift. I know this Christmas we will be spending alot of time reflecting on this and I hope you are able to too.

Well, that's it for now. My mind dump. Sorry if you fell asleep. I better go and be a good mom. Kynan's been asking for a snack for 10 minutes....

Merry Christmas!

A day in the life of....

2008-12-09T23:25:00.000-06:00

little Kynan boy. Lately he has really enjoyed stealing my camera and snapping shots from his perspective. Some of them are really good, others are hard to tell what it is, but mostly it is just interesting to see what he sees and what he finds photo worthy. Here are just a few. **The first shot is my picture of him. He asked me to take. He said that he is a puppy. Can you see it?

Thankfully Home

2008-12-03T13:24:00.000-06:00

We are finally home after two weeks of being in Summerland. I am so thankful to be in my own environment again. And my heart almost leapt from my chest when I saw Dana for the first time. I couldn't wait to make out with him like we were teenagers... yup... I said it! The kids were equally excited to see Dana. It may have been the four airports, three airplanes, and 6 hours of traveling that did it (thank Dana for booking our tickets), but I think they were just genuinely happy to see their dad. Kynan gave a running hug and Ava refused to let go of him. It was a long day of traveling, but couldn't have ended any better.

Today Dana took a half a day off to come home early and spend time with us. I am so excited. We are going to go grocery shopping and then come home bake cookies and decorate the apartment and the tree. I already have some apple cinnimon burning in the diffuser. It's snowing outside and looks like Christmas. I am excited for December and all that it brings. I am happy to be home.

I will make one promise. I am never leaving Dana again for two weeks at a time.

Saying Goodbye

2008-11-30T18:00:00.000-06:00

Yestderday was Calvin's funeral. The night before, the viewing. For last two weeks, I think I was too caught up in the "What can I do", and "How can I help" mode to really focus and allow myself to feel the loss of Calvin. It really didn't hit me until I was staring at his precious face, over his casket. I walked into the chapel and my brother was sitting at the front pew, it looked like he was just spending time with his son. I gave him a hug, and was about to look at Calvin when my sister-in-law came up behind me and asked if I would be ok. She then said that if I didn't want to look at him it would be ok. I really didn't understand. I wanted to meet him, to see him. So without a second thought I looked over at his tiny little peaceful body. He looked like he was in a peaceful deep sleep. I started to cry. I was doing everything I could to stop myself from caressing his check, tickling his toes, picking him up and patting his bum. Thinking that by doing that he would miraculously wake up and show me his beautiful eyes. I am not sure how much time had passed, but in the time I was there I cried, prayed, and cried some more. When I thought I was done, and went to walk out of the chapel. I couldn't move. I was frozen. I couldn't leave my nephew alone. I kept crying, praying that God would give me strength to collect myself and walk away, but I couldn't. He needed me. If it wasn't for Margaret stepping in, I think I would still be there. I burried my head into her shoulder and wept. Repeatingly saying sorry for her loss, sorry for emotions, and as I cried- she guided me out of the chapel. All I kept thinking is how incredibly strong she is. After all, this is her son, and she is guiding me out of the chapel. I couldn't even face the rest of my family. I had to run to the bathroom and collect myself. It was the single most hardest and most beautiful greeting and goodbye I have ever had. I was meeting my nephew for the first time, and in the same breathe saying goodbye.

The next day was the funeral. It was very beautiful. The flowers, the pictures, the people. I was grateful to have gone, but honestly Ava really didn't allow me to experience the funeral. Maybe she instinctibely knew that it would be hard and was trying to distract me. It wasn't until we were up at the grave site that I really felt the emotion sweep over me again. With family helping with the kids at that moment, I was really able to pray for Calvin's journey into the afterlife. And to spend some moments with God. In those moments I felt peace. I felt God reassuring me that I would see Calvin again. That I would one day get my chance to hold him when we will be reunited. And that he would love on him and care for him until then.

It's amazing to me how much my heart breaks for this little soul I didn't even really know. My heart breaks for his heart, his body, the strain he endured. My heart breaks for his mom and dad and siblings. For my family. He touched many lives even in the short days he lived. But in the midst of all this, I do feel peace knowing that he is with Jesus. Knowing that I will see will again all too soon.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

Psalm 139:13-18 NIV

The Mommy Diairies... IDENTITY

2008-11-26T12:52:00.000-06:00

I am reading this book with my Mothers of Preschoolers group and I thought I would share the process with my ever so few readers, as most of them are mothers or are one day going to be mothers. I believe we are all mothers at heart and always take moments when we are mothering a child, a spouse, a friend, a parent, or even a stranger. So I hope you find something in what I write, even if it is only to get to know me better.

This chapter was on identity and how many mothers struggle with who they after having children. We often put everyone before ourselves. "We celebrate our children's uniqueness with abandon, relishing each new feat of genius, every step of creative independace. We encourage them to chase their dreams, seek out ways to practice their talents and strengths, and enjoy their passions. Why is ot so hard to do the same for ourselves?" **Side note: I know their are some mothers who may not feel this way, but I feel that the large majority do. Many of the moms in my group could relate to this chapter.

At the end of the chapter filled with other mom's story on how they deal with their identity issues and how they learned to celebrate the woman they are, there are a list of questions that I will share my answers to with you. Please no judgement, I am just sharing my heart with you in hopes that you may get to know me better.

OWNING YOUR ADVENTURE:
1. WHAT SURPRIZED YOU THE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF ONCE YOU BECAME A MOTHER?

Three things surprised me. Number one was the amount of love that I had for this little sweet pea. In an instant, I would lay down my life for him and again with her. I was surprised by resilience. By the amount of sleep I actually needed. By the way my body changed to accomodate this little infant. And by my strength to endure such pain, challenges, and perseptions that came during and after child birth. And thirdly, how people, including myseld, viewed me differently.

2. DID YOU FIND PEOPLE LOOKED AT YOU DIFFERENTLY THAN BEFORE YOU A MOTHER?

Absolutely! I feel like I disappeared most of the time, and what was left was the kids. All people saw was the kids. No one saw me. Most of the time. Rarely someone would actually have a conversation with me about something other than the kids. But mostly it was about them. Which is ok to a point. I mean, I love talking about them too. They are the best kids alive no doubt :) But I am more than just my chiildren, I am a woman too. I will add that the one person who looked at me more fully, was my husband. There was a whole new level of appreciation from him. He knew I wasn't born to have babies, but rather they were a lovely addition to all our blessings as a married couple. I still feel that when he looks at me, he sees the woman behimd the mom. I am thankful for that.

3. HOW SO YOU FEEL YOU HAVE CHANGED SINCE MOTHERHOOD? HOW DO YOU FEEL YOU ARE THE SAME?

I feel like I have changed in the sense I am way less selfish. I have to be. It has become all about the children. And also my husband. Less about myself. That is ok, but I would like to learn how to find myself in there too. I am stronger since having children. More tolerant. Braver. Patient. But with myself, I have become reserved, less confident, and scared. If that makes any sense.

I feel like I am the same person under it all. I am creative, kind, compassionate, and outgoing. I love talking to others. I love learning about people, leadership, and virtually anything new. I am still that person under it all. I just don't always have the time or patience to let those qualities flow out of me.

4. ARE THERE PARTS OF YOURSELF YOU FEEL YOU'VE LOST AND YOU DEEPLY DESIRE TO REGAIN?

I have to admit that this chapter hit a chord. I have been searching probably since Kynan was born, for who I am and what my purpose is in this world. Not that having kids is not a purpose, I just don't believe that it is my soul purpose. I use to say when I was kid that I was going to change the world in some deep and meaningful way. I had no idea how. I mean, I am not an astronaut or a doctor. No major discovery will be made nor will I find some cure to some incurable disease, but I always thought it would be something. Now I look back on that and laugh thinking how nieve I was. But I would like to regain that enthusiasm. That hopefulness and drive. I find that now I am often fearful of the cost of what following my dreams would have on those around me. Financial, Emotionally, and most of all what if I failed?

5. HOW DO YOU DEFINE YOUR IDENTITY? BY YOUR KIDS? SPOUSE? CAREER?

Well, not surprising I usually identify myself first as a wife and then as a mom. Career? Ha! What career? I would like to get to the point where the first thing I think about is the fact that I am a child of God who was created specifically for a purpose. I was given specific talents and passions to help live out that purpose. But sadly I don't feel like I am there yet. If I were to be honest.

6. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU WERE CREATED WITH AMAZING POTENTIAL AND WITH GIFTS ONLY YOU CAN BRING TO THE TABLE? IF NOT, WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK FROM EMBRACING THIS TRUTH?

I do believe in this statement, it just usually is not the first thing I think about. Mostly I think because I may not reach that full potential. So what is holding me back is fear. Fear is satan's way of holding us back from who we truly are and it is sometimes really hard to shake him out of my head.

Well, there it is. Bare all. Open and honest. I will leave you with an excert from the book.

"As women wired especially to live our own lives, one-of-a-kind creations tailor made for significant impact, we owe it to ourselves and our families to fiercly protect our core identities. Our legacies flow from them, and they are what touch and move our children intimately . Cultivate who you are; seek out way to grow and to stimulate your true self. No one else can fill your role; no one else is prepared so perfectly to love your family, mother your children, live your live. You got what it takes. It's time to get going."

Please Untie the Knots

2008-11-24T11:49:00.000-06:00

I am in Summerland right now with my family as we prepare for Calvin's funeral. This has been a bittersweet time. Obviously I wish my visit was under different circumstances, but it still is nice to see my family- especially my new neice Georgia. She is perfect in everyway.

However, this experience of coming back and grieving with my family has been very hard. I don't think my stomach has untied since arriving and my eyes are red from crying so much. I am thankful for the family and friends who has been so supportive, but there has still been some unneccessary stress since arriving. Making this experience even more difficult than it has to be.

I really just wish that this feeling in my stomach would go away and that I would feel at least calm. Maybe not happy right now, but calm.

I miss Dana so much and really wish he was here. He truly seems to be the one person who knows just what to say to bring me back down. I try and imagine his hand on my chest, hugging me, but he seems so far away. I can't wait to return home.

Please continue praying for my family, especially Shane and Margaret. As we near Calvin's funeral I am sure things will be especially hard. Nothing can describe this pain, and I am not the parent of this lost child. I cannot imagine how they must be feeling. Thank you for you prayers and support, you know who you are, and God bless.